Opinion: Teenage boys need better education on sexual relations

Let’s not demonise teenage boys for demanding violent sex with girls, but rather ask how we got here, writes Kylie Lang.

Instead of demonising teenage boys for demanding violent sex with girls, look at how it has come to this and what can be done to instil respect and restore notions of healthy relationships.

Boys are definitely out of line if they are coercing, assaulting or raping girls, but when the link is being made to them watching violent pornography, then what are parents, educators and policymakers doing about it?

Clearly not enough.

Boys aren’t born to this abhorrent behaviour.

If blame is to be laid, it’s on a society that is failing not only its males but also its females.

Several top schools have been named in appalling allegations of sexual abuse by their students, prompting an online petition calling for consent to be explained and drilled into young boys.

Leaving any such education until they’re 16 is too late because children are viewing porn much, much earlier. From age 11 or even younger, they’re accessing vile sexual content online so by the time they do have sex, their minds are warped by damaging ideas of what intimacy looks like.

I don’t believe for a minute that this is a uniquely private school issue. It’s widespread and insidious.

Even with the best efforts of parents to supervise online usage, the fact is most kids have phones that never leave their sides and porn can be downloaded without any safeguards. Watching seemingly innocent YouTube videos can also link to unsolicited explicit imagery.

Rachel Hinds, who heads Queensland’s Top Blokes ­school-based health program for boys, says the Government should urgently regulate the online porn industry, introducing firewalls to protect impressionable young minds.

But this is just the first step of many.

I was sickened to read, among the thousands of anonymous testimonies that led to the online petition, that girls are being violently gangbanged, they are being slapped, choked and anally raped, and they worry not performing pornographic sex acts will see them dumped.

One wrote: “I am constantly living in fear that my partner will leave me if I don’t do one of these pornographic sexual acts ... pornography teaches men that’s what women want and asking them if that’s what they actually want doesn’t cross their mind.”

Conversations around respectful relationships must start early.

Ms Hinds reckons sex education should be mandated as part of the curriculum from primary school onwards.

“If schools are left to teach whatever they want about porn, consent and other issues, then it’s likely little will be taught because it’s an uncomfortable subject to talk about, and if you’ve trained as a maths teacher you’re not going to feel qualified to have a whole classroom discussion about porn.”

She has a point. Plus, it’s not as if teachers don’t already have enough on their plate.

But schools, like it or not, have evolved from purely academic institutions to playing an important role in turning out well-rounded individuals.

Ms Hinds, herself a former teacher, says money should be spent “building the capacity of teachers” as well as funding specialists to go into schools to have those difficult conversations.

The way I see it, it also falls to parents to lift their game.

Raising well-adjusted, confident young people happens best when home and school work together.

Mums and Dads should not be afraid to broach the subject. In fact, it’s imperative that they do, according to Harold Koplewicz, president of the Child Mind Institute.

Dr Koplewicz says kids are accessing online porn 24/7 and they need to know porn stars aren’t meant to look real.

“Many of those bodies are surgically exaggerated, and further exaggerated by the way they’re styled and photographed.”

He says porn sex isn’t real either.

“It’s fantasy. Real sex usually comes with real emotions, which are intentionally absent from porn.”

Culture isn’t changed by one person or one school doing something. It comes when a community unites and takes action.

Our teenage sons and daughters - and the adults they will become - deserve this at the very least.

Kylie Lang is associate editor of The Courier-Mail

BEST (AND WORST) OF THE WEEK

LOVE

■Qantas reintroducing mystery flights, a welcome flashback to the 1990s. Right now, anywhere is looking pretty fantastic.

■ The patience of lollipop people who have to deal with distracted drivers and exuberant children.

■ Prince Harry standing by his wife, and determining he won’t let her suffer like his late mum. Good on him.

LOATHE

■ Outrage over the scrapping of six Dr Seuss books that perpetrate racial stereotypes. This is not cancel culture, it’s inclusive culture.

■ Queensland Health keeping people in the dark over public hospital wait times. Bad as they are, we have a right to know.

■ Twenty new McDonald’s stores to open across Brisbane. One on every corner isn’t already enough?