Kylie Lang: Why women stay in abusive relationships
Women stay in abusive relationships for a variety of reasons, and it happens far too often as a horrific case in Brisbane highlighted this week, writes Kylie Lang.
Opinion
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If your partner slashes you with a knife, drags you around by the hair and threatens to kill you, you better believe he’s serious.
None of this “stand by your man” bulldust American country singer Tammy Wynette won acclaim for – you get the hell out of Dodge.
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But a young woman has thought otherwise, turning up to Brisbane District Court this week to support her abuser, a 34-year-old grub with whom she has a child.
The abuser, from Moreton Bay, was sentenced to 2½ years in jail after pleading guilty to three counts of common assault, one count of assault occasioning bodily harm, one count of threatening violence and one count of unlawful wounding.
Knowing our injustice system, he’ll be out on parole in a matter of weeks provided he promises to play nice.
We can’t tell you his name, to protect his victim, but if we ever can name him it will be because he has killed her.
Apparently, it was jealousy that triggered the April attack.
The abuser told police he “saw red” when he thought his partner had been unfaithful, judged by evidence on her phone. So he pushed her into the baby’s cot and when she tried to get up he pulled her down again by her ponytail, the court heard.
He dragged her by her hair into the kitchen and slammed her face into the bench before asking her “if she wanted to die” and saying he would “kill her” if she called police.
He reiterated the vile ultimatum: “If you call for help, I’ll kill you.”
Why anyone would stand by such a man is beyond me, but it happens all too often.
Domestic violence researchers Jaclyn Cravens, Jason Whiting and Rola Aamar have identified key reasons women remain in abusive relationships.
Distorted thoughts is one.
Being hurt and controlled can be traumatising and give rise to doubts and self-blame.
A victim can be so worn down they believe they deserve the abuse, or somehow triggered it.
Fear is another.
The threat of physical and emotional harm is powerful, and female victims are more likely than male victims to be terrorised and traumatised, they say.
Some women hope to save their partner, by loving them enough to “fix” them and teach them kindness.
Mothers can sacrifice their own safety to protect their children from abuse, or because they think it’s vital their kids have a dad present.
Family expectations and experiences factor in too.
If a woman saw her father beat her mother, that can normalise the abuse.
It’s what love looks like.
Others stay for financial reasons, including debt racked up in their name by their hostile partner.
Some women, the researchers have found, are threatened by isolation.
After being deliberately separated from their family and friends by their controlling abuser they wonder if they can ever rejoin their loved ones.
While we can never fully know what goes on behind closed doors, when a woman is thinking any of these things then you can bet it’s not pretty.
Add substance abuse and things become even more dysfunctional.
As domestic violence survivors have told me, often multiple of the above factors apply.
Brisbane woman Samantha Cooper put it like this on Thursday: “I couldn’t do anything right, and within two months I just was flat out spelling my own name.
“I just felt crazy.
“I just couldn’t figure out what was going on and was just stuck in this consistent cycle of just wanting to be loved and wanting things to go back to where they were.”
Ms Cooper was choked and slapped by anti-bullying charity founder Conan Visser, her then boyfriend who became possessive, controlling and jealous.
Visser was convicted of assault occasioning bodily harm and common assault, and sentenced to community service.
When there are red flags, you don’t hang around.
You don’t sit in court supporting him.
You don’t wait for him while he serves whatever paltry sentence he’s been given.
And when he’s threatening your life, you don’t stand by your man. You run like hell.
Kylie Lang is associate editor of The Courier-Mail
