Jetstar wrecked my holiday plans. And then I got to Melbourne | Peter Goers

There is currently no expletive in English sufficient to describe my experience with this airline, writes Peter Goers.

We need new swear words. The old ones are worn out and meaningless. Here’s a new one – Jetstar.

Weeks ago I booked to go to Melbourne, which is never the best idea but I wanted to see a very special show so I booked to go to and fro within 24 hours.

I booked the cheapest available tickets – a 7.15am Jetstar flight on Monday and a 9.05am Virgin return flight on Tuesday.

I’m a notoriously heavy packer but I strictly limited myself to the requisite 7kg of carry-on luggage. I stood on the scales at home holding my bag several times.

I set my alarm for 5am in order to get to the airport in good time.

I woke and blearily checked my phone to find that the Jetstar flight had been “cancelled due to operational requirements”.

What does that mean? It meant panic for me. My plans were now wrecked and I needed another flight.

Jetstar offered me a replacement flight.

What’s a four letter for Jetstar? Picture: File

I could leave Adelaide at 12.30pm and (hopefully) arrive in Melbourne at – are you sitting down? – 6.30pm – via Sydney. I declined this offer as I’d rather have a root canal filling or watch the Crows win a Showdown – and hastily booked a Virgin flight at 9.30am at the cost of $280.

The original Jetstar flight was $80.

If it seems too good to be true – it is. Jetstar has promised me a refund within seven days but I’m not holding my breath.

Jetstar is Qantas’s budget subsidiary and you can spend hours online reading complaints about Jetstar – late flights, no flights, cancelled flights, passengers stranded, passengers waiting for reimbursement, passengers confounded that the 7kg carry-on luggage limit also includes handbags and people having to pay iniquitous amounts for excess carry on luggage.

Carry-on luggage sounds like an old English comedy but it ain’t funny.

I loathe inefficiency and bad service but Jetstar seems to take the cake. Virgin is good. My two Virgin flights were tickety boo.

And so to Melbourne. Eventually.

Towards the end of their lives, Gough Whitlam was asked to describe his former opponent, Malcolm Fraser, in two words. He said: “Much improved”.

In recent decades this is how I regarded Melbourne, but not anymore.

People in Acland Street at St Kilda in Melbourne. Picture: NewsWire / Luis Enrique Ascui

Naturally, it was a grey day – but Melbourne is dirty. A drunk screamed abuse at a tram stop in St Kilda opposite my hotel. Welcome to Melbourne.

I love shopping and I asked a Melbourne friend what there was to buy in St Kilda and he replied, “heroin”. He was right.

I window shopped the famous cake shops in Acland St and had the worst cake of my life, with mock cream. I had to clean my own table at McDonald’s, St Kilda. Luna Park was closed.

There were four good things about this trip to Melbourne. In 24 hours I saw only one cyclist. How wonderful. The tram system is breathtakingly good. The show I saw at the grand Palais Theatre, St Kilda, the Victorian Opera production of Follies was magnificent. Finally, I learned never, ever to book a Jetstar flight again.

So, sing with me: Twinkle, twinkle Jetstar/ How I wonder where you are?/ Up above the world so high/ Like a diamond in the sky/ Twinkle, twinkle Jetstar/ How I wonder why you are?

Marianne Faithfull. Picture: David Redfern/Redferns

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Originally published as Jetstar wrecked my holiday plans. And then I got to Melbourne | Peter Goers