Jetskis, tattoos, going sockless and other pests I’m not going to miss | Peter Goers

There are some things in this world to which I cannot wait to say goodbye. I’ve put together a list, writes Peter Goers.

I have a little list, I think you’ll get my gist, of things that won’t be missed.

Here goes – jet skis, tattoos, fireworks, South Rd traffic, cyclists who oppose the registration of their bikes and break the law by not having a bell or other warning device as it weighs them down, reverse parking, young men who go sockless, golf (boring), cricket (even more boring), celebrity chefs (except for Rosa Matto) and politicians who, when the going gets tough, retire so they can spend more time with their families.

What’s on your list of things that won’t be missed?

So, you’re having a lovely day at the beach with the soothing susurration of the gentle waves, the merriment of kiddies, the giggles and gasps as people tentatively enter the briny, the sizzle of sunburn and the cooing of old ladies with their skirts tucked up as they walk through the shallows.

To slip, slap, slop, search and slide we can now add scream.

The screaming noise of bloody jet skis.

The other day on Glenelg beach there were eight jet skis dangerously harrying each other and creating appalling noise and unwanted turbulence for all. The amenity of the many is sacrificed for the selfish pleasure of a few hoons.

Is there a more pointless machine than the jetski?

The only thing you can do on a jet ski is hoon up, down and around.

Ninety per cent of all jet ski owners are idiots and jet skis are sound and fury signifying nothing.

They are noisy, disruptive, dangerous, appallingly bad for the aquatic environment and pointless. They have very limited use for water safety and surveillance. They are just motorbikes on water but unlike motorbikes they serve no purpose other than to scream around. They are an expensive thrill.

Jet skis must keep 30m away from each other. They don’t. They must keep 60m away from people. They often don’t.

They scream around at up to 100km/h and cost up to $30,000. They are rich boy’s toys. Jet skis kill and maim people. They are appalling at beaches and even worse on the River Murray.

Ban jet skis altogether or build a lake at Tailem Bend for the exclusive use of water hoons.

Remember when only old sailors and even older prisoners had tattoos. Now they are ubiquitous. A permanent fashion.

Getting a tattoo is like eating chocolate – one is never enough and people don’t stop getting marked until they are literally blue in the face.

Enough already with tattoos.

You surely loved your nanna but do you really need her death date in Roman numerals as a tattoo?

You surely love your children but do you need their (generally bizarre) names tattooed on your person?

Are you sure the Chinese characters tattooed on you are some sage wisdom or “Number 23, Chicken and noodles”.

Recently I saw a tattoo of a woman vomiting on a man’s shoulder. Why? Would tattoos really be missed? When the fad fades, the tattoos won’t.

Fireworks are fun but why are we spending fortunes on flashes in the night sky during a cost of living and housing crisis?

Let’s register bikes and finally make cyclists accountable on roads we share. Ban cyclists on walking paths.

So you’re a groom in a schmick tuxedo and your wedding photos will forever show you sockless.

Ban socklessness.

Glenelg beach is a dry zone. Two fat chaps standing in the water drinking beer and minding a toddler clearly didn’t get the memo.

I was tempted to go and tell them but I would never have been heard over the demented noise of jet skis.

South African businessman Elon Musk arrives at the Tenth Breakthrough Prize Ceremony at the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures in Los Angeles, California. Picture: Etienne Laurent/AFP

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HOT/NOT

HOT

Elon Musk turns his back on Nigel Farage. Somebody had to.

Melania Trump – so warm, compassionate and generous. Not!

The 400th comedy night at the Cranker – Tuesday, Jan 21.

Government funding for Alberton Oval – the home of football.

NOT

The price rise in petrol for the holidays.

Queen Mary of Denmark seems to wear upholstery fabrics.

Originally published as Jetskis, tattoos, going sockless and other pests I’m not going to miss | Peter Goers