Fran Whiting: My McSmugface method of gardening

I achieved something in the backyard and feel like they should give me a gardening show right now, writes Fran Whiting.

Young woman arranging plants in her rooftop garden; generic gardening

Look, I don’t mean to sound smug – actually that is not true, I do mean to sound smug.

In fact, remember years ago when the British government decided to let the good people of Britain – via an internet poll – name a new, multimillion-dollar polar research ship, and the clear winner by hundreds of thousands of votes was Boaty McBoatface?

Well, call me Smuggy McSmugface because I, my friends, have grown a camellia. In fact, I’ve grown several camellia sasanqua, which is, by the way, the Latin name for the flower, and yes, thank you, I have now reached peak smugness.

As I write this, I am looking out my window where I can see dozens of small, red, hot pink, pale pink and creamy white camellias sprouting from my sasanqua bushes, and frankly why someone does not give me a gardening show, I do not know. They are magnificent, and I, Smuggy McSmugface, grew them.

Well, technically someone else chose the correct spot for them, planted them, fertilised them, and put in a watering system for them, but I have not killed them.

This is a major victory, and can I just say, looking out my window at the dozens of camellias blooming in my garden, ad victoriam spoilias, which is Latin for ‘to the victor go the spoils’, and yes, I really am quite unbearable.

A gorgeous camellia

But bear with me, because as a serial plant killer, someone who has murdered hundreds, perhaps thousands of plants in her day, this is a major achievement. I am not proud to say I have killed indoor plants, outdoor plants, hanging plants, plants that allegedly ‘required no watering’, friends’ plants that I was allegedly looking after and one plant that I am fairly sure was artificial but managed to kill anyway. I do not know why – actually this is another lie, I do know why, it’s because I never read the little instruction tag they give you with the plant that gives you very specific instructions on how not to kill it.

These include where to put it, how much sun it needs, how much water it needs, when to add fertiliser and when to prune it, instructions I have generally ignored by bunging it into a corner and hoping for the best. But no more. Now I have seen the wonder of the camellias in my garden, now I have witnessed them unfold from tiny, green buds into glorious showgirls of colour, I understand the privilege it is of watching something grow.

By the way, because I know many of you will ask, Boaty McBoatface is indeed a real vessel, and currently enjoying a life at sea as we speak. But not as a polar research ship.

No, after Boaty won the poll, the party-pooper British government decided it would simply not do to give such an important research ship such a frivolous name. So instead they gave it to a smaller, robot submarine, and now Boaty McBoatface lives much of its life below the surface.

At first, everyone was cranky that Boaty didn’t win the competition but when it was revealed that the polar research ship was instead named the RSS Sir David Attenborough, everyone calmed down, and cheered. Because, Sir David Attenborough. Who nobody would mind if they renamed Earth after. Because he has spent his entire life trying to save it.

Fran Loves:

Camellias. Did I tell you I grow them? I did? Oh, well then can I encourage you to do the same. They are magnificent, and surprisingly easy to grow in the right spot. Who knew?