‘Last breath’: Heartbreaking moment Lindt Cafe cops can’t forget

The police officers who stormed the Lindt Cafe, ending a 16-hour standoff with a terrorist, have revealed the huge toll it has taken on them as they commemorate a decade on.

“It is absolutely not your fault.”

Those six words just won’t sink in for hero cop Ben Besant, who sat in the rubble of the Lindt Cafe after shooting dead the terrorist, holding hostage Katrina Dawson in his arms, locking eyes as she took her last breath.

Even though those words came from his best mate and fellow Tactical Operations Unit member – who sat beside him as he cradled Ms Dawson in the aftermath of the horror – he can’t believe them.

“Yeah, that’s the one thing I would say I have found most difficult to deal with in my entire life,” Mr Besant told The Sunday Telegraph, in an interview alongside his mate Gus, who has never spoken publicly of the tragedy.

“Gus was there with me when I found Katrina at the end. She was in the back corner under some tables and chairs,” Mr Besant recalled.

Gus and Ben Besant this week. Picture: Justin Lloyd

“She was face down with her face in her hands and I rolled her over so she was sort of on my arm and I could tell the breathing was getting less and less. I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew Gus was on my right. I knew he was there, which was good.

“But I just couldn’t take my eyes off her. We were literally looking into each other’s eyes and she took her last breath in my arms. And that, for me, is the one moment that I couldn’t process or deal with.”

Despite Mr Besant’s extensive work with psychologists and psychiatrists, the guilt still consumed him.

“I’ve had a lot of people, including Gus, including all my mates, including pretty much everyone who’s spoken to me, saying I shouldn’t blame myself. But on a personal level I still blame myself to this day. I can’t not,” he said.

“I know when you look at the facts that I probably shouldn’t, but, within myself, I know I shot the most rounds so chances are, it more than likely came from my bullet. And, I have to live with that fact.”

Gus strongly disagrees.

“I was there and so I’ve seen what it’s done to Besant and the grip it’s had on him for all these years,” he said.

“But you’ve got to fight your own demons. There’s only so much we can do. I tried to help and so did so many people but I suppose he had to figure it out in his own head and he’s done that now, but I know he’s still going to carry it for the rest of his days. We both will.”

On December 15, 2014, Mr Besant was on shift when the urgent call came in.

Gus was just starting his annual leave and got called back to work.

As Mr Besant and his Alpha team prepared to storm the Lindt cafe, Gus and his team were ready to engage from another entrance. “We had come to the understanding that we probably weren’t going to come out of there once we went in,” Gus said.

“That changes your thought process. You start thinking about things, your family and your friends. I knew Besant was there on the other side, so it was full on, but you’ve got to focus.”

Both men may have survived but those ghastly minutes inside the cafe, seeing the body of Tori Johnson who was shot dead by gunman Man Haron Monis, watching Ms Dawson die and rescuing the badly injured Louisa Hope, changed them forever.

“As soon as I got out of the cafe I felt just so claustrophobic that I couldn’t breathe,” Mr Besant recalls.

“It was just the adrenaline, and I was just completely emotionally overwhelmed … I just needed to rip my helmet and my balaclava off because I couldn’t really breathe and it was a lot. It was a lot to take in.

“So much had happened in such a short time, and it was such a traumatic scene inside. There was blood everywhere, screaming hostages and Louisa in her bad condition when I had dragged her out earlier and I saw Tori in his state and then obviously Katrina, so yeah, it was a lot.”

Gus, who has since left the force and has his own PTSD battle, says he’s lost a lot of memory of the horror 16 hours with a ranting gunman.

“I later learned that that’s part of PTSD, where your brain only focuses on restricting different parts of your body for survival,” he said.

“The footage people see on TV, it doesn’t even feel like that. The sound alone would be 10 times more intense.”

When asked how society could better support these real life heroes, Mr Besant said the problems were complex and the solutions multi-layered.

But he said open conversations were the place to start.

He tackled his own PTSD like a “new threat” and believes he has a lot to offer other cops and first responders who are too stubborn or afraid, like he was, to seek proper help.

“It’s my journey of hell and I have essentially beat it to the point that I can now definitely live with it. My sole focus now is to get out there and share my story with as many people as I can.”

Originally published as ‘Last breath’: Heartbreaking moment Lindt Cafe cops can’t forget