$100K fight to save her kids: Mum cops decade of DV abuse

When Jenny finally left her controlling husband, she thought that would be the end of it. But it was the start of more to come. And she’s not alone.

Following years of verbal, emotional, and financial abuse, and crushing coercive control, Jenny* hit rock bottom.

She packed a small suitcase, loaded her three children into the car, and arrived at her parents’ doorstep, crying, broken and exhausted.

But the fight to escape her husband’s control had only just begun. Over the next 12 years, the 45-year-old would be subjected to a new kind of abuse, one where her children and the family court system were used against her in a way that’s largely invisible to the outside world.

It was small actions at first. He’d send the children home from weekend visits dirty and exhausted, returning their items unwashed, and mixed with his own dirty underwear.

Experts say perpetrators are typically in the stronger financial position.

When he began a new relationship, her ex-husband threatened to take away her children.

“(He’d make) false applications to the child protection department and police, saying our children were in danger in my care,” she said.

“He started to place contravention applications against me. They would always be outlandish documents of lies, defamation and false allegations.

“We would go to court, I would be threatened I could go to jail or lose custody of the children, so we would always settle on some parental arrangements to try and move forward. It never worked.”

For 12 years, Jenny was dragged through the family law system, costing more than $100,000 as she fought to clear her name and keep her children safe.

The Australian Family Lawyers’ Justin Dowd says perpetrators use the vulnerability of the victim.

According to Justin Dowd from The Australian Family Lawyers, post separation abuse can range from small controlling actions to devastating manipulation of the family law system.

“Arguing about child support, or simply not paying a sufficient amount, or on time, is a controlling action,” he said.

“The perpetrator will always have a good idea of how to use the vulnerability of the victim … very often involving interactions with the children.

“This can include telling false statements, turning up unexpectedly at school or extra-curricular functions, being unreliable in terms of timing with the children, demanding variations at the last moment, (or) involving the children in activities that the victim doesn’t approve of.”

At the other end of the spectrum is the use of the family court to inflict trauma, such as making multiple court applications, refusing to comply with orders, or requesting mediation or court reports, which can be both emotionally crippling and financially devastating.

“The perpetrator is typically the person in the stronger financial position,” Mr Dowd said.

Pip Rae says post separation abuse is on the rise. Picture: Sam Ruttyn

Post separation abuse is on the rise, according to Pip Rae from Upstream Investigations, an organisation that supports those navigating the family law system.

“Post separation abuse is also lasting longer as family court is backed up with cases for three to four years before a hearing,” she said.

CEO of Women’s Legal Service, Nadia Bromley, said abuse of the family court system was an increasing form of post-separation abuse, often part of a pattern of coercive control.

* Name changed to protect victim.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic or family violence, you can contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or through online chat.

Originally published as $100K fight to save her kids: Mum cops decade of DV abuse