Grieving father Kevin James helps strangers find support after losing son to suicide
After losing his son to suicide 13 years ago, Kevin James has spent 33 hours helping others through their darkest moments as a grief support volunteer.
After 33-hours on the phone with strangers, Kevin James has heard the same desperate plea again and again: “I just want to talk to somebody who understands it”.
The 74-year-old Mount Duneed resident knows the pain of suicide grief all too well, after he and his wife Denise lost their son Mike on Mother’s Day 13 years ago.
“When you’re going through grief, it’s just like a black cloud that’s over you,” he said.
“So many people think that it’s like other things, where after three weeks you should get over it.
“But, 13 years after Mike’s death I’ll see something about basketball and still think of him and maybe shed a tear.”
Mr James was desperate for help in the wake of his son’s death, but after scouring the internet and speaking to professionals he was left disappointed by the lack of local support options available.
“Geelong just didn’t have any suicide grief support at all, which is crazy for a place this size,” he said.
After attempting to establish his own support service which ultimately “fell in a hole”, Mr James discovered a national organisation called Roses in the Ocean.
Unlike crisis hotlines which provide immediate intervention, Roses in the Ocean offers a “warmline”, which is a call-back service where trained volunteers with lived experience can provide peer support.
“I’ve done nearly 33 hours of talking to people now,” he said.
“Most of the time it’s somebody who just wants to sit and talk to somebody who’s been there.”
A recurring theme during the conversations is the guilt associated with losing a loved one to suicide, something Mr James said he also continued to battle.
“When you’re going through grief, you struggle with your own feelings of guilt or feelings of not being good enough,” he said.
“My thoughts of guilt were that I must not have been a good enough father because I was there, so why didn’t Mike talk to me?”
Despite seeing a counsellor for many years, Mr James said it was difficult to feel a sense of understanding that could only come from lived experience.
“You just cannot understand suicide grief unless you live through this experience … unless you can speak from the heart, it just doesn’t connect with you,” he said.
The retired teacher said his background of helping people translated to his work with Roses in the Ocean and he couldn’t see himself giving up volunteering anytime soon.
“I have no reason to stop,” he said.
“As long as people continue to see me as someone who has been through it rather than just some old fogie, that’s what I’m hoping will allow me to keep going for the minute.
“It’s just such a personal reward to know that you’re helping people through such a tough time in their life.”
To access a 48-hour call-back service for people with lived experience of suicide call Roses in the Ocean’s Peer CARE Companion Warmline on 1800 777 337.
If you or anyone you know needs immediate crisis support, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
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Originally published as Grieving father Kevin James helps strangers find support after losing son to suicide
