We're in an era of 'backsliding' – here's why you never should

Experts and your friends say stay away

Thinking about getting back with an ex? Read this first. Image: Getty

Thinking about getting back together with an ex? Firstly, NO. But more importantly, read this first.

When you’re fresh off the back of a breakup, there’s one cardinal sin that friends, family and dating experts all agree you should never, ever commit. 

Worse than talking sh*t about them on the internet, worse than sleeping with their friend (both bad) – the very worst thing you can do with a former partner is get back together with them. 

It’s a move celebrities seem to favour – with couples like Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck recently reuniting after a 20-year break, and Stormzy and Maya Jama finding their way back to each other after individually working on themselves. 

But it’s not just A-listers who are crawling back to the past. While the term ‘backsliding’ has been around for a while, the actual act of going back to a former partner is having a resurgence – but it’s a move that dating experts and psychologists warn against. 

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What is backsliding?

Backsliding refers to the process of going back to a former relationship, and rekindling the spark. 

While ‘don’t go back to an ex’ has been a stalwart in breakup bibles for the past 10,000 years, the move is creeping back into the foreground – of TikTok storytimes, Instagram carousels, and conversations over brunch. 

Just as Bennifer reunite over another highly papped Dunkin Doughnuts run, so too are young people bewildered by a dating scene that thus far, isn’t really serving them. 

It’s a truth that’s evident, no matter which way you look. There’s been a surprising turn back to old school dating books and ‘rules’ that people haven’t followed for 20 years. But in a landscape that seems increasingly confusing, and more importantly fruitless, young people are turning back to sources of truth amidst the chaos. 

And what’s more real than someone you’ve already dated? 

Why do people backslide? 

Familiarity and reliability is a key reason people find themselves going back to what they know. It’s easy to romanticise the idea of a former partner – and that’s what dating coach Sera Bozza, from Sideswiped, says is exactly the problem. 

“When it comes to the present, we discount the positives and dwell on the negatives instead. But the past? We do the opposite. We stupidly (and shockingly quickly) remember only the good, and conveniently filter the bad,” she tells Body+Soul.

“When it comes to ex-relationships, we swap out the fights and the ‘I can't stand you’ moments with the comfy silence, how they knew exactly how you liked your coffee, the cuddles and inside jokes. Nostalgia is one hell of a drug. It’s ‘Better the devil you know,’ you know?” 

So after a particularly bad date, or the unexpected emptiness on the other side of the bed, it’s all too easy to fall back down the hole – to become re-addicted to your past, and allow yourself to dive back in. 

“The modern dating scene can feel like a post-apocalyptic wasteland,” says Bozza. “And if that door to your ex is even microscopically cracked open, it's tempting to want to kick it down. 

“So, when you’re swiping through a sea of faces, the tedious small talk and awkward first dates, your brain starts to serve up the good ol' days highlight reel with your ex. With slow-motion montages and soft lighting… But remember that you’re directing that film with a hint of amnesia. Memories are like that. But IRL, you’re kidding yourself if you think you can cherry-pick the happy moments and leave the rest.” 

Many people return to exes because it feels easier than finding someone new. Image: Unsplash

When I ask real people whether they’d get back with an ex, their answers are varied. 

For those who did reunite, their reasons range from “I didn’t feel like we were done yet” to “I was so in love with him” to “I invested so much in the relationship”. 

On the flip side, those who hadn’t were adamant that once they were done with a relationship they were done for good. “I’m too stubborn for that”, “I cut people out” and “I said he’d never see me again, and I have too much of an ego to go back on my word”. 

I’ve been a member of both camps, but without a doubt, it was the returning to a former partner that did more damage than it did to cut them loose. 

Many moons ago, I had a relationship with someone who I thought the world of, but we never got it right. After months of mess and hurt we called it quits and left each other’s lives for a while. Then after one sad year had passed, he came back. 

I was sceptical, yes, but at the risk of painful cliche, it felt different the second time around: kinder, more gentle, and marginally more grown up. 

Ultimately, I ignored the internal warning signs (and my friends’ very real, verbal warning signs). How could I not? I was so over the moon that the person I had these feelings for had enough for me back that they deemed it worthy to return, so I let them. 

Fast forward another few months and low and behold it had fallen apart again. It felt worse the second time around. 

Backsliding usually comes from a place of fear. Image: Pexels

Is backsliding always a bad idea?

“Backsliding is like going out, getting smashed, and then, instead of doing the responsible adult thing when you get home (chugging water, scrubbing off your makeup, taking pre-emptive painkillers and electrolytes…) you crash, because your bed is calling your name,” says Bozza. “You tell yourself that future you can deal with the consequences. Which is basically a hangover from hell.” 

Unlike the explosive pain and sadness of many first breakups, the second time a relationship ends is charged with another feeling: regret. Because for most of us, it was a lesson we’d already learnt, we just thought we’d get by unharmed the next time. 

From my experience, revisiting relationships from the past never gives you the answers you think it will. Retracing your steps doesn’t yield the same feelings it did once, only muddles the memories, making it near impossible to decipher what was then and what is now. 

According to Bozza, it isn’t as clear-cut. But the only way to make it work is if you change the script. 

“Einstein said that insanity was doing the same exact thing over and over but expecting a different ending. Newsflash: If you're just rewinding to the good parts and skipping the scenes that made you want to tear your hair out, you're not queuing up a romantic sequel; you're setting the stage for a rerun.

“And let's be honest, reruns are only good for background noise while you're cleaning your apartment.” 

Yes, most of the time getting back together with an ex is a bad idea. Image: Unsplash

The cost of backsliding

The bad news is that while it may feel fun to return to an ex in the moment, it can actually have a knock-on effect on your psychology as a whole. 

If the backsliding doesn’t go to plan, as in you break up again and it leaves you worse off than it did the first time, then it’s a slap on the wrist, or your heart, and you move on with your life. 

But if you make the same mistake time and time again, “Your brain begins to believe that love always equals loss, and that every 'happily ever after' has a hidden trap door,” says Bozza. “Don’t turn a single backslide into an epic saga of romantic doom.” 

What may surprise you is that while humans are drawn to the feeling of comfort, returning to what’s familiar but often dead and gone, is actually not in our nature. 

“We humans are wired for forward momentum, for that uphill climb, for the blood, sweat, and tears that come with chasing something that makes our hearts beat faster. We biologically crave the climb more than the summit,” says Bozza.

“We like shiny new toys, sure, but the shine wears off quickly. What really gets our gears grinding is the hustle to get those toys, the hustle that makes us feel alive.

“So when you backslide, you're essentially giving evolution and that primal urge to level up—the whole thrust of human drive—the middle finger. You’re not breaking new ground; You're agreeing to reruns of your own history, binge-watching the ghosts of relationships past.” 

And god, who wants that? 

Oscar Wilde once said that you should “never love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary”. Breaking up with someone only to disregard all that pain and reunite presumes that you’re both ordinary – that your love is not worth holding onto, and that once it’s let go it can be easily reacquired. 

Read this before you decide to backslide. Image: Unsplash

Going to backslide anyway? Here’s an expert’s warning

If, like me, you tend to hear advice and say thank you and then do it anyway, then we suggest heading the following warning. 

“Backsliding is like raiding your fridge for leftovers because you're too scared to cook something new,” Bozza says.“It's clinging to the crumbs of what was because of the bright, shiny possibility of what could be feels like a minefield. It’s rooted in scarcity: the whole ‘I’ll never find anyone else’ spiel, the terror of being swiped left and the dread of being single.” 

But that sort of fear comes with a cost. You’ll know, deep down, what it is you’re running away from – be it commitment, or just fear of the unknown – by heading back into the archives of your dating past. 

“But if you're the kind of masochist who needs to touch the stove to remember it’s hot, who needs to re-break your heart to get the message, then by all means, backslide,” says Bozza. “Just make sure you've got the number of a damn good therapist on speed dial for the aftermath because you're going to need it.” 

Originally published as We're in an era of 'backsliding' – here's why you never should