When it comes to relationships, are we destined to repeat our mistakes?
And will we always go down with the ship?
Lifestyle
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Ben Affleck reportedly wants to give things another go with Jen – not JLo, but Jennifer Garner, his other ex-wife. So are we destined to make the same mistakes? Or can we change these patterns of behaviour?
When Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez reunited in 2021, after almost 20 years apart, it felt like a fairytale.
The two exes, who had both moved on, been married and divorced, and had children with other people, found their way back into each other’s orbit – and realised, two decades on, they still loved each other.
It’s a story arc romcoms and best-selling novels can only dream of.
Beyond chemistry alone, timing was on Bennifer’s side too, and one year after the pair were first connected (again), they were engaged.
A lavish wedding and multimillion-dollar property followed. A new life, an old love.
Fast-forward four years and, as we know, even the 20 before it couldn’t cure their ‘irreconcilable differences’ – listed as the reason for their divorce.
But that hasn’t bothered Ben, who’s back to his double-dipping ways – but this time, with a different Jennifer.
Earlier this week, new quotes emerged from a source close to the Hollywood heavyweight about his other ex-wife, and the mother of his three children, Jennifer Garner.
“Ben Affleck ‘would love another chance’ with ex-wife Jennifer Garner,” the source told Page Six.
“[He] would definitely be open to giving things another shot with Jen if the timing is ever right,” they said. But, “At the same time, Ben knows it’s just not realistic at this time in their lives.”
Points for self-awareness this time around?
Another source told People that Ben "usually acts happy around" Garner, but has been "extra giddy lately, though, and much more affectionate. She doesn't seem to mind. She seems to enjoy spending time with Ben."
Her ex’s moves aside, Garner is reportedly not interested (good for her).
But Ben’s Jennifer dilemma got me thinking: of the 8 billion people in the world, why do we find ourselves going back to people we’ve known and loved, over and over again?
Even when things spectacularly fall apart, it’s not uncommon for exes to turn a blind eye to each other’s red flags, and throw themselves back into the firing line.
It begs the question: when it comes to relationships, are we destined to repeat our mistakes?
Much like Jennifer Garner, I too have experienced a past situationship re-emerging from the ether. Not one I share children with, thank God, but one with plenty of history and heartache.
Safe to say, when his name appeared in my inbox for the first time in more than half a decade, I screamed so loudly my housemate started yelling too.
But after the initial jolt to the nervous system, my body started to betray me.
Unlike the way I always dreamt I’d react if he found his way back into my DMs, I didn’t shut him down, or give him a piece of my mind. Instead, I replied just as I would have done back when I knew him all those years ago.
Then the next night, it happened again. His name appeared on my phone’s lockscreen, and instead of ignoring the call, I answered it.
When speaking to my friends about this poltergeist’s reappearance in my life, we deemed the universe at fault. Venus and Mercury surely had something to answer for.
Another friend suggested Karmic Cycles – a series of “repetitive events or emotions”, according to intuitive counselor and happiness coach, Kari Samuels. “This pattern is believed to be an opportunity for growth and healing, offering valuable life lessons.”
The idea is that life thrusts us back into the same situations, years apart, until we learn our lesson. And based on my response to this figure from my past, I hadn’t learnt mine.
When I ask dating coach Sera Bozza, founder of Sideswiped, why people come back into our lives, she’s of the opinion the universe is not at fault.
“The real question isn’t why they come back… it’s why you’d let them. Especially if the past already proved itself.”
Ouch.
She digresses – we go back to ghosts from our past “Because life is messy. We crave comfort and nostalgia is a liar. We romanticise the past, remembering the highs and downplaying the wreckage.”
And as for why they seek us out, she says “Sometimes, people return because they’ve changed. Other times, they haven’t, but their life is falling apart, and you are the last stable thing they remember.
“They don't come back for you. They come back for a version of themselves they lost when they were with you. Maybe they were more ambitious, more grounded, or happier back then. Instead of realising they need to rebuild that, they mistakenly believe getting you back will do the trick.”
In Ben’s case, he reconnected with JLo after a divorce, and many years of growing up. Perhaps finding his way back to her felt like being young again.
We all remember the photos of Sad Affleck outside Dunkin’ Donuts – maybe JLo reminded him of youthful romance and a lightness that he lost amidst substance abuse, mental health struggles, and the dissolution of a marriage.
As for his recent bid to reunite with Garner – after another divorce, and a tonne of public speculation – it makes sense that he’d look to the security of his home life for comfort and stability.
As for my ghostly situation – I’m 27 now, and I’ve been through some shit.
Beyond relationship turmoil, this is the first time in my life I’ve ever felt ‘old’ – not of spirit, but of body.
I can see fine lines appearing on my neck. I feel like I’ve been hit by a steamtrain if I don’t get enough sleep. Friends are buying houses and getting engaged. My little brother and sister are growing up – my parents are too.
I have to worry about things like weight, mental health, vitamins and whether I have enough functional strength to lift my suitcase into the overhead locker on a plane. Do I want children? If I do have them, will I regret them? Is my too-soft mattress causing irreparable damage to my spine?
They’re things I’ve never cared about before. Certainly not when I was in my early 20s.
And while it’s an undeniable privilege to grow up – to live, to love, to experience all that changes as we move through the decades, it scares the shit out of me.
Back then, it was a totally different ballgame. I was young. So young in fact, I had no idea what impact this specific toxic relationship would have on me for years to come.
Back then, the biggest issue in my life was whether I would pass Introduction to Statistics without attending 40 per cent of the lectures. I lived for college parties on Wednesdays and trying to tightline my eyes with a kohl pencil before a night out.
Falling back into my old ways made me feel young again. And then it made me feel awful.
Repetition compulsion
Discussing this pull towards exes in particular, Bozza mentions Freud’s ‘Repetition Compulsion’, which “explains why we replay the same unresolved emotional wounds like a bad movie sequel, hoping the ending will be better this time.”
“It’s the brain’s version of trying to ‘fix’ the past by unconsciously seeking out familiar but painful dynamics, often attempting to gain control over something that once made us feel powerless.”
With concerning levels of accuracy, sparking a look of abject horror on my face, she ploughed on.
“Maybe your ex reminds you of a childhood dynamic, they validate a deep insecurity, or perhaps you just miss the dopamine rush. Either way, you’re not missing them – you’re missing the version of yourself that felt loved, wanted, or significant in their presence.
“A relationship isn’t just about who we love – it’s about who we were in that relationship. If you felt most confident or seen in that relationship, your brain latches onto it like an emotional bookmark, as if going back to them means reclaiming that version of yourself.”
She also reminds me that it’s no coincidence that people come back into our lives in times of flux.
“This is why people in crises (divorces, career collapses, midlife existential spirals) suddenly reach out to exes from a decade ago,” says Bozza. “It’s not about rekindling love; it’s about stability.
“Do you miss them, or do you miss who you were when you were with them? If it’s the latter, that’s your work to do… Not theirs.”
While Ben may be seeking comfort amidst times of great change and public fixation – hearing this ‘source’ give comments about his bid for a reunion only made me think of how Garner feels in all of this.
Garner has a new partner, and she’s raising three children, while also operating under the Hollywood microscope. Does she really need a temperamental ex-husband telling the world he’s keen to give it another go?
I don’t know the woman personally, but based on the way she’s spoken about their relationship in the past, I reckon she knows the difference between a love worth rekindling, and one that meant the world at the time, but has since been put to bed.
“I didn’t marry the big fat movie star; I married him,” she told Vanity Fair in 2016. “And I would go back and remake that decision. I ran down the beach to him, and I would again.”
“He’s the love of my life. What am I going to do about that? He’s the most brilliant person in any room, the most charismatic, the most generous. He’s just a complicated guy. I always say, ‘When his sun shines on you, you feel it.’ But when the sun is shining elsewhere, it’s cold. He can cast quite a shadow.”
I think Garner is wise enough to know what Bozza tells me too: “You can’t control who tries to re-enter your life, but you can control who gets a second audition.”
How to break out of toxic relationship cycles
Celebrity or not, we all have patterns of behaviour – “Some are learned, some are inherited, some are self-inflicted,” says Bozza. But while it often feels like we are “destined” to make the same decisions over and over again, the power actually lies with us.
“The difference between people who keep making the same mistakes and those who grow is simple: awareness and action,” Bozza continues.
“Patterns don’t break themselves. They need a conscious decision. A moment where you say: ‘Not this time. Not this person. Not this cycle again’.”
But that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy. Choosing to deny the drama isn’t always the fun option, and as Bozza says, “Chaos will feel like home”. But that’s our oxytocin-addled brains feeling the consequences of our withdrawal.
Her advice? “Stick with it.”
“Want a different outcome? Make different choices. Are you destined to repeat your mistakes? Only if you refuse to learn from them.”
Destiny and decisions
So, if you’ve found yourself in a Ben-Jen situation – either as the zombie, or the one being haunted. The good news is, the universe isn’t out to get you, and ‘destiny’ is actually in your hands.
“History doesn’t repeat, but it sure as hell rhymes,” Bozza tells Body+Soul. “And whether you take this new opportunity to change things is on you.”
All that requires? “Making the uncomfortable choice to leave what’s familiar and step into something better…It’s not about ‘getting over’ someone. It’s about becoming the version of yourself who wouldn’t choose them in the first place,” she says.
So forget the notion of closure. Forget making sense of the past – that’s what therapy’s for. “You just need to accept that the version of you that once tolerated that relationship is dead and gone, and that’s a good thing.”
As for my old flame. After speaking for a week, he did the exact thing he always did: he vanished.
But unlike the crushing weight of disappointment I felt back then, this time I knew better. I didn’t spiral. I didn’t plot methods of making him pay attention to me again. I didn’t post song lyrics on my Instagram story or cry to my friends.
I let him leave, and this time, I locked the door behind him.
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