From the moment we learn what it means to ‘pop your cherry’, life is filled with sexual pressure. Whether it’s over losing your virginity, having a one night stand or keeping your partner satisfied. Even if you’re not doing it, there’s pressure to be doing it. 

According to the Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census, 47 per cent of people have felt pressured to have sex in the past. This breaks down to 38 per cent of men and 56 per cent of women, while millennials represent the biggest generation feeling the strain with 57 per cent. 

Even when in a relationship tensions are still simmering with 46 per cent of survey respondents saying they feel a pressure to have sex with their partner when they haven’t had it for a while. While this was almost equal for men and women (45 and 48 per cent respectively), millennials were again the most affected at 55 per cent. 

Worryingly, those who answered the survey also say that there is a lot of pressure for young adults to engage in less safe sexual activities with 61 per cent agreeing, including 67 per cent of Gen Zs.

So, where does this pressure come from? 

“From social, cultural, family or religious influences about sex and relationship expectations,” sex therapist and educator Vanessa Tarfon tells Body+Soul. “And these pressures can come from a partner’s view or your own internalised views and expectations.” For example, a woman may feel pressure to have regular sex with her partner to keep them loyal but her partner might not have actually put any pressure on her. It’s just coming from her background and views.

“Pressure might also fulfil a need to feel emotionally connected, a need for sexual pleasure or satisfaction, or a desire to control a partner by using sex as a method of manipulation, such as the typical ‘I’ll go elsewhere’ infidelity scenario. That’s a controlling pressure.” 

Then there’s the pressure to meet others expectations, like being the same as your friends. “It’s like thinking that everyone is doing anal so you need to as well but a lack of sex education means you don’t understand the misconception,” the sexual wellness specialist says. “Or there’s reproductive pressure from family. In many cultures, a baby is expected shortly after marriage but a lack of sex education means these couples don't actually know exactly what to do or that it can take a long time.”

What should you do if you feel pressured to have sex? 

“Raise your feelings with your partner outside of the bedroom,” Tarfon suggests. “And if you aren't sure exactly what to say, it's best to write down your thoughts first so that you can understand for yourself what the issue is and where this influence is coming from.”

The relationship specialist recommends using ‘I statements’ to clearly communicate why you feel pressure and what your sex expectations and boundaries are. “As I said, some pressure is actually internal, so by opening the conversation you might discover that your partner doesn’t want you to feel pressured and stressed and has an opposing view to you,” she says. 

“Then depending on the reason for the pressure, discuss with your partner how you can fulfil the need in sexual and non-sexual acts so that sex is no longer a source of stress but something you both engage in for fun and connection.” 

You might also find out that one or both people in the relationship need some sex re-education to understand facts vs myths, because there are a lot of misconceptions about sex within relationships that causes pressure. “These types of conversations can feel awkward to start with and that is normal if being open about sex is new for people” Tarfon explains. “But the benefits will be worth the initial awkwardness.”

When should you call it quits?

While sexual pressure is clearly a complex case, sometimes it’s necessary to end the relationship over it. The sex therapist says there are several signs to look out for for when to call it a day. 

“If your partner disregards your feelings when you try to talk about feeling pressured or gaslights you and your feelings, then these are signs of an unhealthy relationship,” she says. “Another red flag is if in the moment they ignore your consent removal and continue to engage in a non-consenting act. Another flag is if the pressure is due to a partner trying to control or manipulate you. Sex is about showing love, affection, attraction and connection. It shouldn't be used, for example, as a threat for infidelity or harm to yourself or someone you love.”