What is 'pocketing' and how do you know if it's happening to you?

Dating in the dark

Pocketing is the latest dating trend you need to know about. Image: Pexels

Hard launching a relationship is a big step, knowing when to let other people know can create a certain kind of pressure. The biggest obstacle, it turns out, is when someone doesn't want to take that step, often referred to as 'pocketing'.

Lately, it feels like every other week there’s a new dating ‘trend’ cropping up – and if I’m being honest, it can get a bit exhausting.

But I recently stumbled upon one that put a name to something I’ve unfortunately experienced a few times while dating throughout my twenties: ‘pocketing’.

Pocketing is when the person you’re dating refuses to introduce you to their friends and family or post about you on social media. Sometimes it’s all three of these things, and sometimes it’s only one or two – either way, it doesn’t feel good for the person on the receiving end. 

Often, when people pocket someone it’s because they aren’t sure how they feel about the relationship, or whether they see any long-term potential with the person. There are, of course, darker motives for pocketing, like cheating. And if you’re queer, there’s a potential the person you’re dating could be pocketing you because they’re not fully out to their friends and family yet.

To find out more about how to figure out when pocketing is happening to you (and what to do about it), I spoke to sex and relationship therapist Mim Kempson. 

How do you know if you’re being ‘pocketed’?

Figuring out when to introduce a new partner or someone we’re dating to friends and family can be challenging, and, as Mim explains, there are often many factors at play when people are making these decisions. “It’s something we'll all carry different feelings and opinions on.

These could be influenced by cultural or religious views, past experiences, and the sort of relationship we have with our biological and chosen families. Like anything, there are no universals here,” she says.

According to Mim, communication is crucial when it comes to pocketing. “Talk to each other. Discuss how your values and views may differ, especially around the pace, commitment, and terms of your relationship.”

Keeping all these variables in mind, is there any such thing as a ‘healthy’ amount of time for people to wait to introduce partners or the people they’re dating to friends and family? Mim tells me that what makes it ‘healthy’ will really come down to intentionality, transparency, and shared meaning.

“Have you discussed why meeting friends and family is or isn't significant to each of you? Are you both clear on why you're introducing them? Is it because it's convenient and unavoidable (such as when living with parents)? Is it because you're wanting to take things slow and see how you each fit into each other's lives? Is it because you're both certain about a future together and want to share that news with your loved ones?” she shares.

How could 'pocketing' impact the progression of a relationship?

Clearly, pocketing is something that can have adverse impacts on the way a relationship progresses. If you’ve been dating someone for months and have yet to meet a single friend or family member, it’s fair to feel uneasy about it. Meeting the people who are close to the person you’re dating is important if you want to understand them on a deeper level.

The people they surround themselves with can reveal a lot about what they like and dislike, the energy they like to be around, and how they enjoy spending their time. When I ask Mim how you can tell if pocketing is becoming an issue in a relationship, she says it all hinges on having honest conversations. “Pocketing is only an issue if people aren't having honest conversations as the relationship progresses.

If you feel someone is hiding you from other people in their life, ask yourself, what sort of relationship have we agreed to and is it clear? Then talk to them about it. If you find out you're on completely different pages, it then leads you to talk about and reflect on whether that relationship really is a good fit,” she explains. 

What to do if you're being pocketed

So what advice would she give to someone who's currently on the receiving end of 'pocketing' in their relationship or dating dynamic? “Get clear on what exactly you want first. Reflect on where you draw the line and what you can be flexible on.

The reality of dating is that the other person doesn't owe us anything. It's important that both people are honest with what they want, what they can offer, and what they can't.

Broach the question either with a matter-of-factness – that these are simply important need-to-knows when dating anyone – or, lead with your feelings and share what you're hoping for as you get to know each other rather than putting it on them to go first.”

Originally published as What is 'pocketing' and how do you know if it's happening to you?