The little girl with 15 siblings

When it’s a case of now or never, more single women than ever are turning to donor sperm to fulfil their dream of becoming a mother.

In a playground in Brisbane’s north, five-year-old Grace Clark is asked if she has any siblings.

“Yes, I have 15 of them!’’ Grace replies, before happily skipping off.

As a child conceived to a single mother using donor sperm, Grace is perfectly correct. She has 15 half siblings spread across the world.

Her mother, Melissa Clark, 41, is a single mother by choice – a growing cohort of women choosing to go it alone by accessing fertility treatments such as sperm donors or donated embryos.

Single mum Melissa Clark with her daughter five-year-old Grace who was conceived with donor sperm. Picture: Richard Walker

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The Queensland Fertility Group, part of Virtus Health with clinics in Queensland, Victoria, New South Wales and Tasmania, says 50 per cent of donor sperm is now accessed by single women.

City Fertility, one of Australia’s largest privately owned IVF clinics, reports an almost 10 per cent increase in 2020 on the previous year of single women undergoing IVF or insemination with donor sperm.

More young single women are also undergoing elective egg freezing procedures. Virtus Health has seen a 25 per cent increase in single women under the age of 35 undergoing this treatment from 2017 to 2020.

Clark, an early childhood teacher, of Lutwyche in Brisbane’s inner north, went through a marriage breakdown at age 30 and, still single at 35, decided to have a baby with donor sperm.

She chose a 27-year-old American college graduate donor and fertility doctors used intra-uterine insemination (IUI) during her natural cycle.

Grace was born with a full bill of health in September 2015 and started primary school this year.

“Kids bring so much to your life and I couldn’t imagine my life without her,’’ Clark says.

“There are a lot more women who have decided to do this by themselves. It’s embracing the fact there are now so many types of families – divorced, same sex parents, single parents. Families are all different and society is much more accepting that there are so many more ways to be a family now.’’

“Children are a lot of work and one on my own is enough. I’m tired, of course, but I definitely haven’t regretted it for a minute.’’

Clark, who remains “happily single’’, has made a simple book for Grace filled with the supplied photos of her donor – him as a baby, as a young boy, a teenager and two adult pictures – and other supplied information including his extended family, medical history, education, interests, hobbies and even his favourite author. “If people ask Grace she says, ‘I don’t have a dad, I have a donor’,’’ Clark says.

Sunshine Coast single mum, Nicole (who prefers to just use her first name), gave birth to her only son Nate, now 13 months, using a donated embryo when she was 44.

Never married and single for six years, Nicole decided to seek fertility advice when she was 43.

Nicole’s ovarian reserve was tested to be extremely low and she also had been advised to have a hysterectomy “sooner rather than later’’ because she carried the BRCA II gene (her mother died from ovarian cancer). She was also single.

Doctors advised her best option was to try for a baby using a donated embryo.

Sunshine Coast single mum Nicole with her 13 month old son Nate who was conceived with a donor embryo. Picture Lachie Millard.

After undergoing counselling sessions, she was then able to see two basic donor profiles, choosing the couple, she says, who seemed most similar to her in terms of physical characteristics.

Nicole became pregnant after the first embryo transfer, a process where the embryo is placed directly into the uterus without the need for sedation.

After an uncomplicated pregnancy, she gave birth to a healthy baby boy in January, 2020.

“I knew I was very much at the tail end of my ovulating life. I just wanted to know what my options were,’’ she says.

“I had a couple of miscarriages in my mid 20s and it just never happened after that.

“I have always wanted to be a parent, always. If I had met the man of my dreams I would have loved to have a child that way but it just never happened.

“It was a case of now or never and I feel I was very lucky to have Nate. Families come in all shapes and sizes and I got my miracle.’’

Sunshine Coast single mum Nicole with her 13 month old son Nate who was conceived with a donor embryo. Picture Lachie Millard

Melissa Clark joined private Facebook group Single Mothers by Choice – that was created in 2018 and now has 1200 members – and then put a call out to set up a local playgroup in Brisbane.

This is how she met Belinda Wilson, a single mum by choice, who has a daughter Layla, 5, also conceived using donor sperm.

The two families have become firm friends, even holidaying together.

Single mums Melissa Clark (left) and Belinda Wilson with their five-year-old daughters Grace and Layla who were conceived using donor sperm. The families have become friends since connecting on Facebook. Picture: Richard Walker

Wilson, 43, of Norman Park in Brisbane’s east, says she always wanted to be a mother but the stars never quite aligned – she had a broken engagement in her early 20s and spent several years working and travelling overseas. She dated but didn’t find the “right guy’’.

At age 37, with her “biological clock screaming’’, she finally sought fertility advice and decided to use donor sperm. Layla was born in 2016 when Wilson was 38 years old.

“I always wanted to be a mother,’’ Wilson says.

“But I always had to fulfil these goals in my life, I was always chasing things. As soon as I had Layla, I knew this was what I am supposed to be doing.

“Motherhood has changed me and my heart has never been so full. Layla is the absolute light of my life, she’s beautiful. It’s cliched but she completes me.

“For me, it was taking control of my life. I’m so happy to be a single mum by choice. It’s empowering and it’s just been a beautiful journey.’’

Single mum Belinda Wilson with her five-year-old daughter Layla who was conceived using donor sperm. Picture: Richard Walker

Both Wilson and Clark tried unsuccessfully to have another child using their same donors but are ultimately happy with their one little miracle.

Clark says this makes contact with Grace’s genetic half siblings even more important and she has made contact with other women who have had babies from the same donor via a program set up through the American sperm bank called XY Connect. She has found 15 other children born from the same donor (who has now retired). Grace’s genetic half brothers and sisters live in America, Canada and the UK, with two others in Australia.

Incredibly, one of her donor siblings lives just a couple of suburbs away in Brisbane’s north. She also has a sister in Perth. One of her siblings, a younger sister who lives in Nova Scotia, Canada, looks uncannily similar.

The families have set up a closed Facebook group to share photos and videos of the children. They also do Facetime chats.

In October 2020, Clark planned to travel with Grace to the United States to holiday with six of the donor sibling families, meeting at Niagara Falls. However, it has been postponed due to COVID-19.

“Grace seems to take it all in her stride,’’ Clark says.

“The kids all know they are donor siblings. From the beginning I’ve been very open about Grace’s story and how she came to be. There are absolutely no regrets and we are very happy.’’

Five-year-old friends Layla and Grace who were both conceived with donor sperm. Their single mothers Belinda Wilson and Melissa Clark have become good friends since connecting over Facebook. Picture: Richard Walker

City Fertility specialist Dr Simone Campbell says the trend of single women accessing fertility treatment showed no sign of slowing.

“The number of single women accessing fertility treatment is certainly increasing and our numbers support that,’’ she says.

“I am seeing a lot more single women coming through my clinic at an earlier age – in their early to mid-thirties – than we have seen in the past.

“Many women in the past missed the opportunity to become a mother as they didn’t think there was another option without a male partner.

“Now single women understand they don’t have to be partnered to have a baby. So when their biological clock is ticking and they want to be a mother, they have options as a single woman to achieve this.’’

Fertility expert Dr Simone Campbell who works at City Fertility in Brisbane.

COVID-19 has caused a reduction in the number of available donors as well as increased patient demand and, consequently, there is a limited amount of donor sperm currently available to Australian women.

Queensland Fertility Group has gone from between 30 to 40 available sperm donors to about six. In Victoria and NSW, there are now waiting lists to access donor sperm.

QFG medical director Associate Professor Anusch Yazdani says the average Australian family no longer consists of a biological mother, biological father and biological child.

“The majority of Australian families are blended families of one sort or another,’’ he says.

Associate Professor Anusch Yazdani, medical director of Queensland Fertility Group.

“You don’t have to have a biological mother, a biological father, it’s absolute rubbish. That’s not how families look. Thankfully, we’ve moved beyond these thoughts.

“What’s important in a family is the relationships between the members of the family. How they are biologically related to each other is important but it’s not the determining factor. And I think people are seeing that more and more.’’