Love wins: Emotional messages from kids to their grandparents
Of all the things coronavirus has taken from people’s lives in recent weeks, not being able to hug grandchildren has been one of the hardest for many older people. The pandemic has also highlighted just how important grandparents are for families and society. JOIN THE CONVERSATION
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IT’S the simple things they’ve missed.
Waiting for the front door to fling open and tiny bodies to stampede towards them.
Kissing them goodnight as they fall asleep. Holding their hands as they jump in a puddle on an afternoon walk. Wrapping their arms around each other, feeling the power of unconditional love in a warm, tight embrace. Letting go of everything to fall deeper into each other’s arms because, in that moment, that’s all that matters. A tender, loving hug between a grandparent and a grandchild, so binding it’s stronger than any words could ever be.
Since the outbreak of COVID-19, grandparents have spent every day wishing they could be doing this with their grandchildren.
Of all the things coronavirus has taken from people’s lives – jobs, financial stability, health and certainty – for many, physical connection and interaction has been one of the hardest to take. And that’s particularly so for the older generation.
Most grandparents are in the age group at the greatest risk of contracting coronavirus, so social distancing restrictions prevent the over 65s from having contact with under 16s.
It’s meant families have cut off the physical relationship they have with grandparents indefinitely. A move made to help save their lives.
It’s a decision Brisbane grandparents Lesley and Peter Kowalenko, 66 and 68 respectively, clearly understand but have struggled to cope with.
The couple, aka Ma and Pa, haven’t been able to hug their four grandkids, Mila, 7, Alex, 5, Callan, 4 and Grace, 1, for more than two months. But theirs is a relationship that runs much deeper.
Lesley would normally care for at least two of the children three times a week in place of childcare, while the children’s parents, Sascha Kowalenko, 41 and Scott Leitch, 39, work.
Besides the added financial and emotional toll on the family, Lesley says she’s missing the purpose and joy the children provide.
“We miss the activities, the laughter and the enjoyment out of having the grandchildren in our lives, it’s a privilege,” says Lesley down the phone from her Ormiston home.
“The hardest part is not having that physical connection … We’re very loving and hands on and I miss that, I miss their little faces.”
Families who rely on grandparent care during the week are finding it difficult to cope and are feeling the pressure. Which means while the world navigates through the global pandemic, the virus has also shone an unsuspecting spotlight on the vital economic role grandparents play in the community.
In 2017, nearly 865,000 children were cared for by a grandparent for an average of 10 hours in a usual week in Australia, according to the most recent Australian Bureau of Statistics data.
Recent studies found their contribution was the equivalent of $328 million in childcare every month, or almost $4 billion annually.
Australian Institute of Family Studies director Anne Hollonds says the pandemic has created a shift in how we think about older generations.
“When it comes to how we view grandparents … there is a heightened sense of value now of these people who are there for you and supporting you,” she says.
“Grandparents are filling a lot of gaps, not only looking after grandchildren, but cooking meals and providing practical support.
“It has crept up on us that grandparents are a very important part of the family.”
Council on the Ageing Queensland CEO Mark Tucker-Evans echoes the sentiment.
“We are certainly seeing there are positive learnings out of COVID-19 and if one of those is more respect for grandparents, then that can only be a good thing,” he says.
“Older people tend to be the backbone of volunteer organisations … They are people who are minding the kids but also helping organisations like Meals on Wheels.
“It’s a substantial economic contribution to Queensland’s and Australia’s economy.”
But the kids who keep a close and loving relationship with their grandparent are the ones who are truly going to benefit.
Grandparents can have incredible influence on a child, says QUT research psychologist Trish Obst.
“An intergenerational connection is really important,” she says.
“It’s a way for kids to have a direct and personal connection with someone from another generation to hear those stories from and get their wisdom.”
We’re living through extraordinary times in history and coronavirus has impacted us all in various ways. But the impact it’s had on grandparents and families is particularly complex.
Lesley pauses as she reflects on the past couple of months. Her voice starts to waver.
Only now is she realising the emotional toll it’s taken on her: The fear of being in the “high-risk category”, the anxiety a trip to the shop brings, and the overwhelming sadness of losing the comfort of her grandchildren when she needs to feel joy.
Her emotions bubble to the surface and she begins to cry.
“My life was these gorgeous little ones,” she says softly, through the tears.
“You had such an impact in their lives and they were just beautiful and all of a sudden it was cut off.
“At the beginning, you felt really lost.
“I did have anxiety … mainly about the unknown of how it is going to pan out. Life won’t be back to normal; I think we will be dealing with this for a long time.”
Despite some restrictions now being lifted, there’s still no indication of when grandparents will be able to comfortably, freely and confidently hug their grandkids again.
Hollonds says it’s been a struggle for families to adjust.
“Grandparents haven’t been able to provide childcare but also families haven’t been able to support the older generation in perhaps ways they did before,” she says.
“That important role of a family for caring for each other has been disrupted.
“There has been grief at the loss of that relationship (grandparent and grandchild) in many cases. Whether loss of regular contact and regular caring role or not having a chance to catch up on a social basis … that is a loss for everybody.”
Lesley has found it particularly difficult missing family milestones, like her granddaughter’s first birthday.
“It was very surreal,” she says, describing the scene as she dropped presents from a safe distance outside the family’s home for her granddaughter Grace.
“The kids were looking out their gate, especially the second one, Alexander, it was like he was looking out from jail or we were looking in.
“There was his little face and his hand was sticking out the gate and you could just see him thinking ‘what’s happening?’. It was very hard to do.”
It’s been a common sight across the world and one that’s had the ability to simultaneously shower feelings of warmth and heartache.
Children waving from afar as grandparents wave back from balconies or front doors. Tiny hands against glass windows and their elderly grandparent staring lovingly back from inside their nursing home room.
The older generation have done it particularly tough but the human spirit cannot be locked down. Love has no physical bounds and that’s proven to have risen above all else.
The unique and special grandparent and grandchild bond has only gained strength, as many have uncovered beautiful and heartwarming ways of staying connected.
“Hello chickadees, how are you today?” says Peter Kowalenko down the camera.
He’s dressed in a well-worn shirt and shorts with boots and socks, an outfit he reserves for gardening. He holds up a pair of loppers in his hand and continues, “I’m going to cut down this fig tree because the bats are getting into it, trying to get the fruit … you can watch me.
“Then, I have to go to the dump and I’ll probably take Ma to the dump but I think I’ll leave her there,” he smiles, it’s a classic grandpa line, surely met by a fit of giggles from the grandkids.
Lesley is filming what seems to be an ordinary day in the garden at the Kowalenko household. But it’s far from it.
Under normal circumstances, the kids would’ve been running rings around them in the back yard, watching Pa tear apart the tree. So Ma films it for them instead.
“I wish I had some kids here to carry all my bits and pieces,” Peter continues in the video, “All right, here we go … are you paying attention, Mila? Alex, are you still watching? Callie, sit up.”
It’s one of the many gorgeous exchanges this family have had during the isolation period and they’re not alone.
From letters in the mail, drawings or handwritten messages of love, short videos or a FaceTime story, it’s enough to shed light on the darkest of days.
Especially for 85-year-old grandmother Eva Dargusch, who lives on her own in Silkstone, in Ipswich.
With five grandkids and five great grandchildren, Eva, or GG, relies heavily on her family for social interaction.
She couldn’t believe it when she discovered a “hug” in the mail from two of her grandkids, Emma and Patrick.
They sent her a paper drawing of “Emma”, a cut out of a girl with bright blonde hair drawn in yellow markers, big eyes and outstretched arms, long enough to be wrapped around GG’s body.
On the back was a handwritten poem.
“To GG, we miss you when you’re far away, we’d love to see you every day but since we can’t come over to play, we’re mailing you a hug today,” the note reads.
“So, although it may be quite a sight, wrap Emma’s arms around you tight, repeat each day and smile bright, until we get to reunite, from Emma and Patrick.”
Eva says she’ll always hold it close to her heart. “I was cheered up, all right,” she laughs softly down the phone.
“I’ve got it on the back of the couch and I can look at it all day; it makes me smile when I look at it.
“I think it’s beautiful.”
For Pam Longland, known as Nana Peach, 69, the pandemic led her closer to her family.
As news of a “lockdown” hit, Pam’s son and his wife invited her to come and live with them in their family home in Coorparoo with her two grandchildren. They would ride it out together.
“I’m usually a very social person … I think that’s the reason they approached me, even before they realised the situation, they knew it might be difficult for me,” she says.
“There is a guest suite here which is empty and it’s very easy to slot in.
“I do love the company.”
With the parents working full-time, Pam was a blessing. She’s helped homeschool the kids, cook family meals and relished the precious time with her grandchildren.
“It’s absolutely wonderful,” she says.
“The children have got the support they require and I got the benefit of learning lots of lessons from them,” she continues, “I learned how to use the iPhone differently.”
Coronavirus is the worst pandemic in history and the biggest global event since World War II. And it’s the first event of its kind in this era where we have had technology to better bind us together.
Seasons Aged Care CEO Tracey Silvester says it’s been a joy watching her 800-plus elderly residents across the state (average age: 86) embrace technology.
“A lot of our residents have been
communicating with iPads, Skype and messaging and that’s helped,” she says.
“I saw a lady in her 90s do a video call at the community at Mango Hill and she was sitting there talking to her daughter on FaceTime.
“It was amazing to see the look on her face, she couldn’t believe she could see her daughter, it was just so foreign.”
Seasons residents Anne, 71 and Stuart Sudholz, 72, who live in the Waterford community, haven’t been able to leave their complex in two months but have stayed in touch regularly through innovative ways.
“They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, you certainly can,” laughs Stuart down the phone.
“It’s a different world totally now and we’ve been FaceTiming the grandkids and talking to them about school work and what they’ve been learning at home.
“We’ve been playing games (on the phone) … it’s a lot of fun.”
The couple were days away from their retirement as pastors at Citipointe Church in Carindale when the pandemic hit. They’ve used the time in isolation to reflect and be grateful for the love around them.
Alongside many around the world, Silvester says she can’t wait for the day children can visit their grandparents again.
“As you get older, you lose a lot of your senses but one of the senses you maintain is touch,” she says.
“I’d like to think there will be a day very soon our residents can have their grandchild come in and give them hugs, there is something very therapeutic about a hug.”
When this is all over, as it will, and grandchildren run into the arms of their grandparents, as they will, they will feel a stronger love than ever before.
They’ll squeeze a little tighter, fall a bit deeper into each other’s arms and never want to let go.
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