Fran Whiting: My epic home school fail

Being a former primary school teacher, columnist Fran Whiting thought she would be brilliant at taking on the role of at-home teacher. How wrong she was.

It’s a roller coaster ride, this isolation/social-distancing thing, isn’t it?

One minute I am, not to be immodest, nailing it, channelling Martha Stewart (not the prison years, obviously) all over the place, baking slices and doing interesting craft projects, and the next I’m hiding from my children in the pantry weeping and eating Milo out of the tin.

And in between those wildly varying states, I’m just, like all of us, carrying on.

Anyway, for those of you who have your preschool and school age children at home with you, first of all may God be with you, and secondly, I don’t think any one of us will be complaining the next time teachers strike for higher pay, do you?

Fran Whiting: We will kiss and hug and laugh and love again

Fran Whiting: Why you cannot work from home in your PJs

No, in fact I’m pretty sure we’ll all be at the front of the picket line shouting, “Just give them anything they want, do you hear me? ANYTHING … GIVE THEM A LEAR JET TO TAKE THEM TO SCHOOL, I DON’T CARE, JUST GET THEM BACK IN THE CLASSROOM!”

In the meantime, let me share with you my own recent venture into home schooling with my daughter – something I thought I might be rather good at, given that I was once a primary school teacher, and therefore it would be just like getting back on a bike.

Columnist Fran Whiting at home.

It was not just like getting back on a bike, unless you mean the bike I rode into a small lake in the Loire Valley after a wine tasting.

9am Grade 6 school starts. “Right, let’s just log in to this website thingy and get you started, shall we? Why are you in your pyjamas? Please go upstairs, get changed and come back down ready for school, thank you.”

9.10am Waiting

9.20am Waiting

9.30am Still waiting

9.35am: Go upstairs to check on progress, daughter on iPad chatting to friends. Am apparently the only mother in the land expecting child to do work. Also, could I bring up a snack next time I come up? Tell daughter we will be restarting at 10am sharp, just as soon as I work out website thingy.

Columnist Fran Whiting.

9.45am Cannot start website thingy.

9.50am Still cannot start website thingy.

9.55am Check 875 emails from school to try to work out why I cannot start website thingy.

10am Discover 874 emails I should have read. Decide to crunch my eyes together very tightly so I can’t see them.

10.05a m Go upstairs to get daughter, still on iPad talking to friend. Tell daughter she has five more minutes, said in capitals, like this: FIVE MORE MINUTES, and go back downstairs for morning tea break. Teaching is exhausting.

10.15am Daughter comes down, looks at website, immediately opens link and starts working. I help by saying things like “Gosh, that maths is really hard, isn’t it? What’s an improper fraction? It sounds like a fraction with bad manners doesn’t it?”, until she says “Mum, I don’t mean to be rude, but you’re not really helping”. Nod and say “Right, I’ll just leave you to it, shall I?”

10.20am Head to pantry. Open Milo tin.

10.30 am Leave pantry, announce school is over for the day. Daughter has headphones on. Doesn’t hear me.