As someone who’s lived through not one but five long-distance relationships – and survived to tell the tale – I’ll be the first person to tell you that, quite frankly, they suck. 

But do I regret them? No. And was it the distance that ultimately spelt the end? Again, no. 

As they say, nothing in the world worth having comes easy – and let’s not forget all that hot welcome-home sex! 

The two types of long-distance love affairs

When it comes to giving advice for long-distance lovers, relationships coach Stephanie Rigg says you can break down these relationships into two types. 

“As a starting point, you can delineate between relationships that are long-distance from the outset – so if you met someone while you were travelling and you were always going to be long distance – as opposed to a relationship that you're already in and for whatever reason circumstances dictate that you need to be long distance for a period of time, or perhaps in an open-ended way,” she tells Body+Soul.

If you’re in the latter situation – an already established relationship and you have to be apart for a time – Rigg says it can almost be easier. 

“Because you already have a baseline foundation of intimacy and knowing each other so you might have a bit more in the tank to sustain that time apart,” she says. “Whereas it might be hard to create that level of intimacy, connection and depth of knowing another person when you live apart and you're not involved in each other's lives on a day-to-day basis.

“You don't have insight into all of those everyday things that can create intimacy and connection, and that can be really hard.”

So, before you agree to go the distance – whether you’ve just met an overseas pen pal or your lover is headed for the departure gates – here are five things you need to know. 

#1. You’ll have to work harder to connect 

One of the biggest problems, Rigg says, is that people in long-distance relationships often underestimate how much intimacy and connection comes from just physical proximity. 

And not one end of a FaceTime call. This means you’ll need to carve out that time and space to connect, even if it’s just over the phone. 

“You really do have to be a lot more deliberate about it, and that's not to say that you can't be, but just to say that it will be more challenging by virtue of that,” the relationships coach says.  

“People should really be aware that they're going to have to put in more effort to get the same baseline level of connection that they might otherwise have somewhat effortlessly if they were in the same place and spending more time together incidentally.”

#2. It’ll be easier if you have an end date in sight 

Life will be a lot better if there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

“Knowing that there’s a horizon where you’re going to have the opportunity to be together again can be helpful,” Rigg explains. 

“For example, in a previous relationship of mine, my partner and I had been together for about three years, and then he went overseas to study and do his masters in the UK for about nine months.

“So we knew ahead of time that he was going to go but we also knew that he was going to come back, so it was much easier against that backdrop to navigate the long distance – even when it was challenging – because we knew there was an end in sight.

“Whereas I think had it been an open-ended change, I don't know that we would have been up for that, and I think that can be true for a lot of people.”

#3. Regular planned visits are a must

Punctuating your time apart with time together is really vital to sustain your connection.

“It can be really helpful to have planned visits, so like, ‘I'm going to see you in six weeks’ time and then after that I'll be seeing you in two months’, whatever it might be,” explains Rigg.  

“The in-person connection is so important and valuable because we communicate so much through the body.

“Obviously physical intimacy and affection is one piece of that, and that's a really important piece, but even just with body language. And you can miss out on a lot when you're not physically together.”

#4. You need to both be on the same page 

“It is really important in these circumstances that you're both on the same page because otherwise, it's going to be challenging,” Rigg says. 

Especially when it comes to expectations, what each of you need in order to feel connected and having very clear and direct communication around all of that so that those expectations are managed and tended to in advance. 

“As much as possible, be proactive in managing those expectations and needs, and certainly put out any spotfires early because if they do snowball into full-blown conflict or big ruptures in the relationship, it’s going to be much more challenging to work through them when you aren't together.” 

#5. There are positives for long-distance lovers

Yes, you read that right. For some people, a fly-in fly-out lover is ideal. 

“I have seen long-distance relationships working for people who have really busy jobs that take up a lot of their day so they don't have heaps of capacity to be in full-time relationships,” Rigg says. 

“So if you're both very career-focused or have other things going on and very full lives and you really value your independence and not being accountable to someone for your movements or time, then a long-distance setup might really work for you.”