This is how likely it is couples get back together after divorce

Spoiler alert: the odds are slim

Roughly 13 per cent of lawyers observed a reconciliation rate of 10-20 per cent. Image: Getty

Even after separation reconciliation is possible, but the road for couples to navigate their way back to togetherness after a split isn't easy - or likely.

If you're looking for endless success stories of couples reconciling after divorce, we have some bad news for you. This isn't going to be the next big romantic comedy.

According to a recent survey of Australian lawyers conducted by the Australian Family Lawyers (AFL), the odds of divorce and reconciliation aren't great.

A staggering 84 per cent of the surveyed lawyers reported seeing less than 10 per cent of their clients getting back together after divorce, while roughly 13 per cent observed a reconciliation rate of 10-20 per cent. Only six per cent of the lawyers observed a slightly more promising rate of 20-30 per cent of couples rebuilding a relationship after divorce.

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Financial strain, concerns for their children's wellbeing, and lingering love between the parties involved were identified as the most common drivers for this unlikely reconciliation after divorce.

Financial agreements, it turns out, play a significant role in the decision to reconcile, with nearly a third of reconciling clients including financial terms as part of their reunion conditions. However, the majority, two-thirds, decided against incorporating these agreements.

Even when reconciliation is the desired outcome, the path to achieving it is not always easy. One surveyed lawyer said, "I usually wish them well, but tell them to keep my number handy." Eventually, two-thirds of these clients arrived at their lawyer's office, ready to restart the divorce proceedings.

According to Grant Dearlove, director of AFL, "Couples pull the pin on divorce proceedings only to find themselves unable to resolve the issues within their relationships and end up splitting in the long run.”

While reuniting with your ex-spouse is more of an outlier than the norm, it is possible, and there are models you can follow if you are both committed to rebuilding your relationship after divorce. We spoke with lawyer Cassandra Kalpaxis who helps couples beat these odds and give reconciliation a fighting chance. 

Despite reconciliation being the desired outcome, the path to achieving it is not always easy. Image: iStock

Cassandra Kalpaxis recommends the five steps below for successfully reconciling with an ex, whether you've already divorced but want to reconcile or are considering divorce. Here's how to reconnect and recharge as long as you are both committed.

1. Explore your ending

Cassandra Kalpaxis suggests that the first step is to investigate why the relationship ended and what factors contributed to the breakdown. It's important to remember that when you do this exercise, you're not changing yourself to fit the other person, but rather "focusing on what could be changed to better the way in you behave in relationships and how you operate on your own," she says.

"Working on being open, vulnerable but also respectful of boundaries is essential to understanding what could be different this time around," she adds.

You must acknowledge all the factors that contributed to the breakdown. Image: iStock

2. Commitment to yourself, and the relationship

Kalpaxis advises that being committed to loving yourself and showing up as the best version of yourself is a surefire way to win back an ex. You can only truly love others if you love yourself first, and she emphasises that "this energy is attractive to a partner." Confidence is essential, as is knowing who you are before getting to know others.

How have you gotten to know yourself in your time apart? Image: Getty

3. Future focussed thoughts and actions

According to Kalpaxis, being intimately aware and expressing why the relationship is so important to you can significantly help improve the relationship dynamic moving forward. As difficult as it may be to let go, she advises, "Forget the past, focusing on what happened previously will only continue to bring back the negative into the relationship."

It is critical that this be a mutual commitment. Both parties must be committed to ensuring they are looking to the future and willing to leave the past behind. "To do this, there must be a genuine commitment to move forwards," she says.

Getting back together with an ex necessitates a commitment to treating the relationship as if it is brand new and everyone has a clean slate. Kalpaxis suggests having an early discussion about both parties accepting the need to forgive and forget.

You must both agree to forgive and forget. Image: iStock

4. Two halves don't make a whole

Demonstrating that you can live independently of your ex is extremely appealing, with Kalpaxis stating that in so many cases, codependence suffocates a relationship.

Share how you've fostered or will foster independence in your relationship to rebuild it on a more stable foundation. She goes on to say that the type of relationship you both want to have in the future is one in which "you can live without your partner but choose not to."

This is because it implies that everyone will work harder to keep the relationship alive. So think about how you can reconcile as two independent partners who choose to be together and how you can structure your schedules accordingly.

What has changed in your time apart? Are you bringing your whole self back to the relationship? Image: Getty

5. Consciously create the new 

According to Kalpaxis, when you go back to an ex, you can unconsciously fall back into old habits and go on autopilot.

"It's easy to crave the familiar, and the mundane can take over it," Kalpaxis says. She suggests that you keep things interesting, such as planning new activities, ways to express your love, and ways to spend your time together. This will provide a platform for you to focus on creating new memories rather than falling back into potentially old habits and fights.

Australian Family Lawyers (AFL) is the nation’s largest specialised family law firm helping their clients reach better outcomes within the Family Law legal system. You can learn more about them here. 

Cassandra Kalpaxis is the principal solicitor of Kalpaxis Legal practising family law and surrogacy law. She is the author of Dignified Divorce, teaches a divorce program Detox Your Divorce and offers the Ignite The Fire Couples Retreat for reconciling your relationship. You can find more about it here. 

Originally published as This is how likely it is couples get back together after divorce