The best (and worst) lessons Sex and the City taught us about relationships

#1. Fall in love with your friends 

On the 25-year anniversary of Sex and the City’s first episode, we’re taking a look back at the most enduring lessons Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte taught us about relationships – for better or for worse.

For a generation of women, and then some, Sex and the City was the Bible. 

Watching four very real and slightly dysfunctional women out on their own in New York City was eye opening for many, and it dared to touch topics that had up until then been swept under the rug. 

Working, dating, having brunch, having sex (and not being ashamed of it), navigating divorce, moving postcodes and birthing children – there was almost no topic the show didn’t dare to touch, and it set the tone for a new millennium. 

Sex and the City wasn’t just ahead of its time, it was its time. It asked questions no one wanted to talk about on a public scale, but were all having conversations about in private anyway. It opened up the doors to female sexuality without shame or euphemism, and questioned the relationships we find ourselves in. 

Of course it wasn’t always perfect. Some episodes aged less than ideally, and in the harsh light of day (read: 2023), there are moments of queerphobia, body shaming and racism. 

But we can appreciate it for what it is – ahead of its time in some ways, behind it in others, but with key messages that are worth taking note of, especially when it comes to love. 

25 years since the show’s very first episode, and a few weeks off the launch of season two of And Just Like That…, we’re taking a look back at the most important lessons the ladies taught us about relationships – from friendship to romance and everything in between. 

1. Your friends are probably the loves of your life. Image: Sex and the City

The best lessons

1. Your friends are probably the loves of your life 

Relationships come and go, even the good ones. That is, of course, true of friendships too. But people who are there to put you back together after you’ve been thrown out with the trash are ones worth the time. 

Carrie and Big break up about 200,000 times throughout the show (and the films), he even leaves her on their wedding day. She gets dumped on a post-it by Berger, has her love of tiny hats insulted (also by Berger), and is slapped across the face by the Russian. Each and every time, Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha and Stanford are there to love her back to life. 

Even when Carrie and Big get back together, and she pashes bloody Aiden in Abu Dhabi, the girls are there to guide her. 

The female friendships you foster throughout your life are often the ones that stand the test of time, so treasure them. 

2. If your body is telling you something isn’t right, listen to it 

Remember when Carrie found the engagement ring Aiden bought her and threw up down the sink? Or how about when she’s dancing with The Russian in a pink Oscar de la Renta dress before fainting? 

No matter how hard we try to pretend something is right or a situation feels okay, if your body is reacting that strongly, it’s probably not. 

As Carrie monologues at the end of Season 2, Episode 18, “Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed”. When it came to Aiden and Petrovsky, her body knew that long before she did in those relationships.

Carrie knew the second she put these overalls on that it wasn't going to work out. Image: Sex and the City

3. Playing the part will not make someone love you 

Le French Fry was a favourite scene for many in Sex and the City, in part because of “le big mac” making a cameo on the silver screen, but mostly because of Carrie throwing actual boxes of food at Big’s head while wearing a beret. 

Try as she might, for much of SATC, Carrie could not get Big to love her in the way she desired, and as much as she twisted and turned herself to fit certain moulds, it never worked. 

It’s the same for Carrie’s other great love, Aiden – she wore his tighty whities and walked Pete the dog, but pretending to be a country-loving, wholesome gal ended with her screaming for a “Cheeseburger, please, large fries and a cosmopolitan” out the window of a pickup truck while plotting a return to the city. 

In short, you can play any role you like, but feelings will always see through it in the end.

Playing the part will not make someone love you. Image: Sex and the City

4. You can love someone without loving everything they stand for 

Charlotte has questionable beliefs about gender roles, Samantha talks about “funky tasting spunk” at brunch – in some ways, they never should have been friends. But despite sitting at opposite ends of the scale at basically every turn, they love each other regardless. 

You do not have to love everything about a person, or love all the things they think and feel, to love them at all. The Venn diagram of Samantha and Charlotte doesn’t have a huge amount of overlap, but even when they don’t understand each other, they love each other. 

Take season 1, episode 10, when the women attend a former party girl’s baby shower, only for her to announce she’s stolen Charlotte’s baby name. When push came to shove – also known as Lacey denying it – Samantha came to bat for Char like no one else.

5. Long-term, monogamous relationships aren’t right for everyone, and that’s okay 

Samantha is of course the cover girl for this point – she moves to the beat of her own drum, loving and bedding men (and briefly, women), as she sees fit. It’s a glory to behold, even when she lets Smith Jerrod go, which frankly hurt our feelings. 

A character that societal expectations as much as Samantha did was virtually unrepresented on screen, and the impact of watching her in a time when gender roles were still so prescriptive can’t be understated.  

5. Long-term, monogamous relationships aren’t right for everyone. Image: Sex and the City

The worst lessons

1. It’s okay to ask someone to change their appearance 

One episode of Sex and the City I can never forgive is Charlotte being so repulsed by an uncircumcised penis – she even goes so far as to call it a shar-pei – that it drives the man she’s seeing to get a late-life circumcision. 

Charlotte, again, makes unkind comments about appearances when she starts dating her ultimate husband Harry, implying, and actually just straight-up saying that she’s out of his league, and should consider polishing up. 

It’s okay to have high expectations from someone or to wish for them to be the best they can be, but the second you ask them to adjust how they look you’re out of bounds. Anyone watching SATC now should keep that in mind.

2. Talking about dating all the time is fine 

In one notable episode, Miranda declares she’s had enough of never speaking about anything but dating. 

“How did it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends?” she asks. “It's like seventh grade with bank accounts."

Ironically, later in the episode, Miranda apologises for being unsympathetic. But while we want to have empathy for our friends, Miranda’s point was not untrue – the women rarely speak about anything but their boyfriends, and what’s more boring than that?

Not letting your romantic relationships define you isn't easy for everyone, but it's important. 

2. Talking about dating all the time is fine. Image: Sex and the City

3. On-again, off-again relationships are worth the time

Carrie and Big may have ended up together (until an unfortunate incident with a Peloton), but that doesn’t mean they should have. 

For six long seasons and two films that man treated her like crap and she let it happen: watching him marry other women, cheat on them, refuse to introduce her to his mother, move away, let her move away, only to come crawling back in the one city that makes that seem romantic: Paris. And even then he still left her at the altar. 

Long story short, if someone isn’t sure about you, you shouldn’t be sure about them. It’s a miracle (and the beauty of screen writing) that relationship panned out – but it probably shouldn’t have. 

The second season of And Just Like That… premieres on Binge on June 22. Watch it here. 

Originally published as The best (and worst) lessons Sex and the City taught us about relationships