Sam’s 12-step guide to surviving December 25

SELF-confessed Christmas tragic Samantha Armytage reveals the secret to maintaining goodwill to all amid the stress of the silly season.

Samantha Armytage: “Unlike you, Santa only works one day a year. He judges from afar the other 364.”

AS I mature, I’ve acquired a greater appreciation for three things in life: oysters, coffee and Kate McCallister. Remember the mother from Home Alone? She banished Kevin to the attic the night before their Christmas vacation in Paris, and then her completely overworked, frazzled, festive brain totally forgot him.

Right now, I’m feeling decidedly Macaulay Culkin-ish, and I don’t mean the cute eight-year-old version. I’m the one circa 2012: my face is tired and drawn, my hair dishevelled and I can’t put together a decent outfit. This is not the aftermath of a drug addiction (I’m too attached to sleep for one of those), it’s because I’m trying to organise Christmas at my place.

It’s the time of year when you’re supposed to be joyful and grateful and all I want to do is punch everyone in the face. I am mentally arranging bodies in my house. No, not Charles Manson-style, I haven’t killed anyone (yet). I’m trying to work out where the multitudes will sleep.

I’m trying to plan what we will eat and when I’ll have time to visit Woolies. I’m trying to think of a colour scheme for the tree/table that will be ignored by my male relatives and admired for its genius by the womenfolk. I’m wondering when I’ll blow up the inflatable Santa, hang 30,000 fairy lights and weld together that $12 LED solar-powered reindeer.

Because I LOVE CHRISTMAS, GOD DAMMIT! And yes, I’m bringing this on myself, because my name is Samantha Armytage and I am an over-achiever. So, here’s my 12-step plan to sanity this Christmas if, like me, you hover between Martha Stewart and Kim Jong-un on the Richter scale.

Samantha Armytage’s column features in Stellar magazine.

1. Remember, unlike you, Santa only works one day a year. He judges you from afar the other 364. No-one likes a lazy, fault-finding bastard.

2. Lower your expectations. Taxis will not turn up. Ubers will constantly be at surge prices. People will be vile. The traffic will be foul.

3. Learn to delegate. Pick all the jobs you really hate... and get your mother to do them. Manipulate her by telling her how hard you work all year.

4. Do not spend time on excessive self-reflection. Your mistakes this year are made. Move on. Look forward to making more on NYE.

5. It’s “all about the kids” but I suspect most realise the elves are not slaving away at Apple HQ all year round, and are playing along because “if you don’t believe, you don’t receive”.

6. Always keep a stockpile of batteries in the cupboard, the size of which Elon Musk would be proud.

7. Australia has flies. A hot ham on a 35 degrees celsius day will attract lots of them. Do not have a tantrum when said flies turn up and drive you bonkers.

8. Little kids and drunk people tell the truth. If you don’t want to offend anyone, gag the children.

9. Realise that the sibling who lives overseas will swan in and be the favourite for a fortnight, even though he/she makes absolutely no effort with your parents the rest of the year.

10. Know that the trinkets in the crackers will be crap, the jokes will not be funny and even Elle Macpherson doesn’t look hot in a paper hat.

11. No-one has a “normal” family. Remember this at all times.

12. Drink lots. Alcohol is a (short-term) pain eraser.

Oh, and don’t forget to have a Merry Christmas!

Samantha co-hosts Sunrise, 5.30am weekdays, on the Seven Network.

Originally published as Sam’s 12-step guide to surviving December 25