Erin Molan: ‘I thought I’d still be married with more children at 40’

Media personality Erin Molan reveals how turning 40 led her to reflect on her life as a single mum, and how she pictured her life very differently.

Part of the problem with being a single parent isn’t so much that you are one, it’s coming to terms with the fact that your life looks very different to the one you’d imagined. It’s a case of reality versus expectations, in a way.

I turned 40 this month, and it’s caused me to reflect on where I am, what I’ve done and where I’m heading.

It’s a milestone birthday, as every decade is, and I guess if you’d have asked me 10 years ago to predict what life would look like for me now, I’d have pictured it very differently.

I would have expected to have more children. Married, absolutely. Still married, without a doubt. Mum and Dad were together for over 50 years before cancer took Dad’s life in January.

My life was supposed to emulate theirs. I’m one of four and I always assumed I’d have multiple children.

I’m very blessed to have one beautiful and healthy child and I genuinely think that will be it for me. But I’m less certain that I’m actually ready to close that chapter.

There’s still an ache for more, but it’s duller now than it used to be.

Erin Molan with her daughter Eliza at home. Picture: Adam Yip

It’s been two years since I separated from Eliza’s dad and we seem to have the co-parenting thing down.

I’m constantly looking for signs that the decision to end our relationship is negatively impacting her but I’m yet to see them. I’m paranoid, though. I still feel guilty that she doesn’t have me there all the time.

I worry that moving between two homes will result in her feeling unsettled or insecure, but she doesn’t seem to be either of those things.

I remind myself constantly that she’s much better off in two happy homes than she is in one unhappy home, but who knows? I’m certainly not an expert.

I’m a bit better without her now than I was a year ago. I still get that sick feeling when she’s away from me, but I don’t cry as much anymore. I still wonder if I’ve failed and if she will have to pay the price of that one day. I hope not.

I truly believe the best thing for her is having her parents apart, but “mum guilt” is a constant nag – and I’ve been assured it won’t ever go away.

Sometimes I enjoy the peace and quiet when she’s at her dad’s because being on your own a lot with a five-year-old is exhausting – especially when you work multiple jobs – but then I feel guilty for feeling any kind of joy without her.

Read Erin Molan’s full column in this weekend’s edition of Stellar with Michelle Bridges on the cover.

It’s a ridiculous and vicious cycle … but a common one, I suspect, and one I wouldn’t change for the world. I work harder at being a good mum than I do at any of my media jobs – and I try bloody hard at those.

I’m constantly researching and trying to figure out how I can love her better to gift her the greatest opportunity at navigating this rough-and-tumble ride called life.

Her peace and joy motivate me like nothing else does. I want everything for her and more.

I’m much better at looking after myself these days, too.

I’ve learnt that my ability to love her in healthy ways is dependent on my own health and harmony. I try to fill my cup as often as possible so I’m better equipped to fill hers.

What I do know beyond any doubt is that my love for Eliza is greater than any other emotion I feel and, along with a willingness to keep trying, that’s always going to be enough. For her – and for me.

Erin Molan is a Sky News presenter and co-host of the Hughesy, Ed & Erin radio show on 2Day FM.

Originally published as Erin Molan: ‘I thought I’d still be married with more children at 40’