David Campbell on his wife’s grief ahead of Mother’s Day

Ahead of Mother’s Day, Today Extra host David Campbell pens a heartfelt tribute to those - like his wife - who have lost parents.

“Grief is the tax we pay for love.” I’ve heard this saying a lot recently and I find it extremely poignant – especially today, being Mother’s Day and all.

For many of us, it’s a great celebration of the women in our lives who shape us, and we buy into what we should “buy” for Mum. It’s a mass-media event across old and new platforms, and it consumes us in many ways: Have I booked a restaurant for lunch? Did I get the flowers she loves? Can I organise the kids to handle breakfast in bed? Which photos look the best for Instagram?

However, for many of us, it’s a bittersweet time, when our emotions aren’t as simple as the airbrushed nuclear families in all the supplements and ads.

I’m lucky to still have all my parents around. As I near my late 40s, I’m acutely aware of how rare this is.

“Grief doesn’t check your calendar to see if it’s a convenient day to visit. It doesn’t call ahead and ask: ‘Is this a good time for me to pop by?’” (Picture: Instagram)

My wife, however, has lost both her parents. With no other immediate family members, she’s the top of her family tree.

Now, while I’m always there for her, and we’ve filled our home with love and laughter, this constant, this loneliness, is a part of her. And as we’ve travelled through life together, I’ve also learnt to love this part of her.

It makes her who she is; on some level, it contributes to how she parents our children and informs how precious our life as a couple is.

It took me a long time to work out how to handle this. You see, days like today are so complicated for those who have to deal with the loss of a parent.

Grief is just there, waiting. Grief doesn’t check your calendar to see if it’s a convenient day to visit. It doesn’t call ahead and ask: “Is this a good time for me to pop by?” It comes out of nowhere – uninvited and unwanted.

When my wife and I were first together, I confess that I found it extremely hard to understand. My limited experience prevented me from helping her. I’d struggle to empathise, not because I was an awful person, but because I was putting myself in front of her pain.

My Knight in Shining Armour complex was extremely misguided (at best).

Yet learning to listen, to engage in her grief and allow it to happen taught me more about the randomness of grief than I’d ever known. I’m grateful for the trust she has put in me with this issue.

I’m relieved for the small tells I’ve learnt about her after years of putting in the effort to allow her to grieve, and for sometimes letting it get in between us for a short time so we can learn together to move on.

It then passes and we wait for the next time, when it’s less foreboding; we’re prepared and closer because of the sharing.

David Campbell features in this Sunday’s Stellar.

I see the joy in her eyes at being a mother. Our three children are the centre of her universe and she beams with such pride at just the sight of them. But on Mother’s Day, I also see the sadness behind her smile.

The thwarted wish of wanting her own mother to see the amazing life and humans she has made for herself; for someone who has known her since birth to feel pride. A wish so simple; one that I wish I could grant.

So while we’re raising our glasses to the heroes in our lives, maybe reach out to someone who has lost a mum. Check if they’re OK. Let them know they’re not alone.

David Campbell co-hosts Today Extra, 9am Monday to Friday, on the Nine Network.

Originally published as David Campbell on his wife’s grief ahead of Mother’s Day