David Campbell: Forget the Terrible Twos. What comes next is worse

“MY twins decided to collude against me and hit their next milestone as loudly as possible”, writes David Campbell. “Nothing can prepare you for The Threenager.”

David Campbell: “There is no rhyme nor reason for the storm and it hits hard and fast.” (Pic: Nigel Lough)

IT was the best of days, it was the worst of days. Strike the first part. It was the worst of days.

I had just completed a very hectic schedule of work and was about to hit a massive Ninja Warrior-style curved wall, face plant and slowly crumple at the bottom. It was a new level of exhaustion and, not unlike the now scientifically proven man-flu, was much worse than anything anyone had ever experienced in human history.

Of course this meant that my twins decided to collude against me and hit their next milestone as loudly as possible. Enter The Threenager.

Campbell with his children Leo, Billy and Betty (aka Terrible Twos/Threenagers), and wife, Lisa. (Pic: Instagram)

Terrible twos with twins is not pretty but nothing can prepare you for this. This is an attack on all you hold dear, orchestrated by two little people. There is no rhyme nor reason for the storm and it hits hard and fast. Sandbagging doesn’t help. Duck and cover is useless and so you and your partner end up bickering, losing your cool, and eventually huddling together in bed in combat helmets.

On the third day of the attack we rallied ourselves, checked our equipment and headed to preschool in our all-terrain Daddy tank to pick up the dual dissidents. What I saw that day would change me forever. I had seen a lot in my 44 years but I was about to witness a new level of toddler espionage.

The first school photo arrived. I overheard my wife tell the school bursar, “Wait, I will show this to my husband and he will cry right here and now in public.”

I turned and marched over like Patton. Nothing could break my cool exterior. This was war, dammit.

David Campbell’s column is in today’s Stellar magazine.

And there they were, in their little school uniforms with their tiny faces cheek to cheek, their little arms around each other and their gorgeous tiny, little smiles on their faces. I was gone. Wiping away tears, a wave of endorphins rushed over me. Look at them! They are just so perfect!! I ADORE them. Stuff it, let’s have more.

I was hypnotised, brainwashed, in a Manchurian Candidate-like haze. They had won and I didn’t care. The white flag had gone up. I was a parental Patty Hearst. I could not even recall the headache-inducing battle to get them to school that morning, when I was convincing myself I had failed as a parent and have no idea how to handle them, let alone raise them.

My wife looked at me, shook her head and headed to the car. I followed behind my two new masters with their tiny backpacks. They were holding hands, no doubt knowing this battle had been won. Sweet victory was theirs and it smelt like babycinos.

David co-hosts Today Extra, 9am weekdays, on the Nine Network.

Originally published as David Campbell: Forget the Terrible Twos. What comes next is worse