Sex experts share tips for successful open relationships

Open relationships are becoming more popular in Australia, with celebrity couples including Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith opting for one. See the advice from experts on the do’s and don’ts.

Across Australia and around the world, society is seeing a shift from the traditional partnership styles into more fluid relationships.

The 2022 Lovehoney Group Sex Trends report highlights a rise in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) where couples engage in relationships with others beyond their coupling.

Chantelle Otten, Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine director and respected psycho-sexologist, says Australia is starting to see dividuals challenging the societal constructs of relationships and instead choosing a style and structure of relationship that works for them.

“The majority of us have grown up in a society that saw open relationships as taboo and something to keep secret. They were misunderstood and still are to this day,” Otten says.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith have an open relationship. Picture: AFP

But she says a recent surge in popularity with celebrity couples, including Abbie Chatfield and Konrad Bien-Stephens and Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith, publicly speaking about their open relationships, it is bringing the issue into the mainstream.

Cam Fraser, one of Australia’s leading sex coaches, certified relationships counsellor and tantric yoga teacher, says despite many people having pre-conceived ideas of open relationships, they should be defined by the couples themselves — as there are many different formats and styles.

Here, our sexologists help you explore open relationships and the issues.

IS AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU?

He says: Everyone has the right to choose what their relationship looks like. No two relationships are the same and there are different iterations of styles and structures that work for different people. The most important part of ENM is the ethical part - meaning both partners have consented and are clear on each other’s wants, needs and expectations from the relationship.

The first thing is take the time to discover the type of relationship you want. If you’re interested in exploring an open relationship, read and research some of the different styles to find what you like and are most comfortable with.

If you discover that non-traditional relationship styles are not for you - that’s completely fine. It’s about your happiness and sexual wellness.

Abbie Chatfield has spoken publicly about her open relationship.

Chantelle

Firsty, I suggest taking some time to consider why you want to explore an open relationship, how you want to explore it and how you think your partner will want to. If they are open, explore these structures. Another thing to consider is if your partner isn’t on board - is this a deal breaker for you? What are your goals for your open relationship?

Ask yourself, why do I want to explore an open relationship? Do you feel that non-monogamy is central to your identity? Are simply seeking sexual variety? Wanting to explore sex with different genders?

Then consider the relationship structure you desire. Do you want a hierarchical structure, where one relationship (often a spouse or the person you live with) is “primary” and all other relationships are “secondary?” A loose network of casual lovers while living by yourself? A closed relationship with two, three, four or more other people? Something else entirely?

What if your current partner in your monogamous relationship isn’t on board? Is a closed relationship a deal-breaker for you, or can you quite happily remain monogamous if your partner isn’t comfortable with opening up? Are you actually open to any answer that isn’t a solid ”yes”?

Relationships are very personal - it comes down to what you want from the connection and the type of love and life you want. This could include new romantic or sexual partners, swinging, threesomes, a group dynamic (open or closed) and polyamory.

You can never have enough information, so educate yourself on different relationship styles, speak to friends or online groups or a professional. This will help you make an informed decision on what is right for you.

Open relationships have become more mainstream.

How to have a healthy open relationship

Cam

Open relationships require a lot of open, honest and vulnerable conversations with your partner(s). Discuss honestly together what your wants and needs are from the relationship. Both parties need to consent to and be fully aware of the structure of the ENM relationship, what the boundaries are and how you will navigate any issues or new feelings that develop during the relationship.

They also involve trust, both parties need to be aware of boundaries and respect them in order to maintain the relationship. Relationships of all kinds evolve over time and so will open ones, so consistently communicating and checking in with each other is a paramount.

Above all, talk. You cannot be in a non-monogamous relationship, or really any relationship, if you’re not prepared to communicate extensively and work on your communication skills until you can do it well.

Chantelle

Enter a conversation with your partner with an open mind. The most important element is consent, both you and your partner need to be honest and fully aware of what the other wants and needs. If their answer is ‘no’, you need to accept this - don’t pressure them or try to force them into going along with what you want. If they are open to exploring a non monogamous relationship, communication is vital and should be constantly evolving, be transparent and check in or ask questions about if this activity or structure is okay with them.

Understanding your relationship and being secure in your attachment with each other beforehand will help with going from closed to open. Having a safe and supportive space to come back to allows you to explore ethical non monogamy if you choose.

Collaborate on what an open relationship looks like for you both and identify what are some boundaries, then agree how you will respond if someone oversteps or if feelings are hurt. Also what “rituals” will make you feel safe in this open relationship. And ‘rules’ you might want to consider. However, these shouldn’t be set in stone, as all relationships will evolve and grow over time so having an agreement of how you will work together will be beneficial.

Chantelle Otten advises couples are honest with their partner.

What are the pros & cons?

Cam

Even once you have decided that this is the path you wish to go down, actually getting on and doing it can be hard to navigate at first.

Complexities aside, ENM relationships can present people with an opportunity to explore happiness, pleasure and sexuality in different ways as well as provide a level of freedom for a diverse array of erotic experiences. This may be part of your intention to open up your relationship, which of course is totally valid. If new sexual experiences is what you’re interested in, it may also help to invite your current partner to explore things with you. For example, sex toys are a great way to explore pleasure with partners, by enhancing the experience and sensations. A couples toy like the We-Vibe Chorus is a wearable device that fits between you and your partner offering stimulation for both - plus its hands free and has an app so can be controlled by your partner or another person.

Chantelle

People commonly tell me that they are in an open relationship, but that no-one can find out because of their job, children, family, friends etc. There is a huge mismatch now between how common open relationships are and how rare it is for an open relationship to be anything other than a secret.

This is a vicious cycle: The stigma incentivises secrecy, but the secrecy reinforces the stigma by giving the impression that open relationships are weird, strange and rare things that other people do. This societal stigma and the associated secrecy is probably one of the biggest “cons” people in an open relationship face.

That being said, most people that I know in an open relationship has confidence in the bond they have with their primary partner, the love/sex with others is fun and inclusive, plus support and trust is paramount in their relationship. They’re some incredible “pros”.

If there are any concerns, then these couples often try therapy to work out what they want!

There are no set rules for what an open relationship means.

The Do’s & Don’ts

While there are no automatic rules on what ‘open’ actually means, here are some of Chantelle and Cam’s top tips for making ENM work if both you and your partner/s are committed.

Do define what “open” means in your context. Think about why you want to be in an open relationship. Is it just the physical aspect? Do you wish to experience more people generally, or is there a specific type of sex you wish to try that your partner cannot provide? Or do you crave emotional openness too?

Do discuss what you’ll share with each other. Decide how much of each other’s “open” activities you want to know, is it everything or nothing at all? If you tell everything, then you need to be comfortable telling your partner that you have been with someone else and vice versa and possibly being specific about what you’ve done – sometimes couples even have to ask each other before engaging with someone else.

Do be honest with yourself. Don’t put yourself through unnecessary hardship – if you have any doubts about how much you can handle, perhaps the open relationship route is not for you.

Don’t be afraid to revisit your boundaries. Just because you started out on a certain set of rules does not mean they are set in stone. Your views of what you feel comfortable with and what you want the freedom to do may change over time as you grow into your open relationship.

Don’t get caught up in the opinions of others. Unfortunately you’re likely to receive some criticism or judgement. Just remember that this is your relationship and your happiness. Don’t let someone else’s opinion ruin that.

Originally published as Sex experts share tips for successful open relationships