Ask Agony Uncle: How do I beat my neighbour’s double standard?

So, your neighbour likes to take up a little too much space when it comes to street parking? Fear not, our resident agony uncle Darren Levin has just the solution.

Dear Darren,

My neighbours are good fun but they have a real blind spot when it comes to parking and space is at a premium in our street. They put a DO NOT park sign across their driveway, but then take up an extra space on the street themselves.

How do I deal with this?

Sincerely,

Matthew, 41.

Dearest Matthew,

There’s really only one way to settle a neighbourhood parking dispute, and that’s with a can of spray paint and tyre slashing machete.

But if you’re not up for going to jail this week perhaps you should explore a more, shall we say, legal path. So dust off your Bic pen and get out your Spirax notepad – it’s time to write a passive aggressive letter.

The first rule of passive aggressive letter writing is to make sure your neighbour doesn’t know it’s coming from you. That’s important because you may need to borrow their pressure hose one day. Writing the letter with your other hand generally does the trick. Alternatively, you could ask your child to write it and teach them a life lesson about diplomacy.

Anonymously taking down your neighbour requires effort and planning. Picture: iStock

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I’d suggest an opener that makes it seems like you’re their friend. “Salutations Fellow Street Dweller” makes it sound like you’ve stepped out of a silent movie, so “Dearest Neighbour” or just simply “G’day” should do the trick. In boxing terms this is called a sucker punch, and the principle here is the same. Lull them into a false sense of security with some neighbourly language and then BAM! Blindside then with something that cuts deep.

“The STREET is not YOUR personal car SPACE” – absolutely no one wants to mess with someone who randomly capitalises letters – “but I’m sure you’re far more important than Mr Johnson, a 94-year-old decorated war hero who now has to walk an extra 800m to his house with his Zimmer frame.”

Placement is everything so make sure you wedge it into that sweet spot between the driver side wiper and the windshield.

Just don’t set off the car alarm. Rookie mistake.

Originally published as Ask Agony Uncle: How do I beat my neighbour’s double standard?