Relationship advice: How to stop walking on eggshells with your partner

Constantly putting your partner’s needs above your own? We reveal the hidden dangers of being too accommodating — and how to start putting your needs back on the agenda and fix your “eggshell relationship”.

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Imagine this scenario: you’ve had a rough day at the office so you ask your partner — who’ll get home before you — to prep dinner.

After a long commute, you walk in to find your other half watching Netflix on the couch and no dinner in sight. Do you:

A) admit you’re a little annoyed and ask if they could order take-away B) kick off a two-hour-long fight about how they don’t take responsibility for anything or C) accept their apology, tell them to rest up and head to the kitchen with a smile?

Are you in an “eggshell” relationship?

While option A sounds like you’ve got a pretty good handle on your emotions and B indicates you’ve got some pent-up anger, C sounds like you’re walking on eggshells.

PLAYING IT SAFE

While the adage may say ‘you can never be too nice’, when it comes to relationships, that’s not always the case.

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If you’re constantly walking on eggshells around your partner to avoid conflict, or self-sacrificing to the point your own needs are never considered, your acts of kindness could be setting you — and your relationship — up for trouble further down the track.

“If your partner is having a particularly stressful time — maybe they have a looming work deadline or a sick parent — then of course it’s nice to cut them a break,” explains b+s psychologist Jacqui Manning.

“That said, it’s not very healthy to consistently put their needs before yours. Eventually, you may begin to feel resentful or exhausted because you’ve set up a pattern where your needs don’t matter.”

THE BALANCING ACT

According to Manning, one of the key signs you’re in an eggshell relationship is if you consistently dismiss your own needs.

“If you forget about your needs, think they don’t matter or try to be needless and wantless, that’s a problem,” she explains.

“A relationship should be shared and you should be checking in with each other regularly.”

Is there more give than take in your relationship? You can change that.

While you may avoid arguments because you’re a non-confrontational person, your self-sacrificing habits could have deeper roots.

“It could be because during your childhood you were expected to be the helper or, if you’re a woman, it may be because society praises women for being helpful and kind,” explains Manning.

RECLAIM YOUR VOICE

Quit walking on eggshells with these five simple steps...

1. Get clear about what you want

If you’ve spent the better part of your relationship putting your partner’s needs before your own, it can be tricky to speak up.

Every relationship needs to be worked on and cultivated. Picture: iStock

To help you communicate your wishes more effectively, get clear about what you want by writing down your triggers or anything that overwhelms you.

“Saying ‘I need more help’ won’t always work because your partner may not know how or when to help you,” explains Manning.

“You know why you’re stressed, but they may not, so by writing things down and creating a list, you can voice things more clearly.”

2. Say ‘no’

“If your partner asks you to do something and you don’t feel like you can take it on, say no,” says Manning.

While it may cause some discomfort at first, it can also create a bit of breathing room and allow you to do things from a loving space rather than feeling like you have to do it.

3. Schedule a time to talk

Instead of bottling your emotions up until they randomly explode, pencil in some time to chat.

“Tell your partner that you’d like to talk through a couple of things and make a time to talk. It’s also a good idea to make it a regular thing — maybe it’s every Sunday or once a fortnight,” tips Manning.

By checking in with each other and talking things through regularly, you can address any tension before it becomes a problem.

“Some couples resist this strategy because it sounds formal, but it doesn’t have to be — and it works,” Manning assures.

The cover of the October 27 issue of body+soul, inside The Sunday Telegraph.

4. Stay true to yourself

To better voice your emotions, you need to be assertive, but this doesn’t mean you need to argue.

“Be honest with your partner,” tips Manning.

“Tell them that you’re nervous about bringing up your feelings, but that you have to. Give them context, because it can lower your anxiety.”

She also advises using ‘I’ statements like ‘this is something I need’, which seems less aggressive than saying things like ‘you’re not helpful’.

5. See a counsellor — together

If you know that you’re walking on eggshells but just can’t seem to find your voice, give couples’ counselling a try.

“Some people think you need to be broken to go to therapy, but that’s not the case at all,” Manning explains.

“It’s a chance for you to get another person’s perspective and to come up with solutions — it’s a form of coaching.”

HAVE YOUR SAY

Are you a conflict avoider? Tell us at bodyandsoulmates.com.au

Originally published as Relationship advice: How to stop walking on eggshells with your partner