Nadia Bokody: Sex dwindles at Christmas, but you can save it

You’d be forgiven for thinking couples get it on more than ever at Christmas, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Here’s how to fix it.

About a month ago, my girlfriend brought me home to meet her parents.

The trip did not go well.

Stress and sleep deprivation bubbled over into a terse exchange during lunch, and ultimately, a not altogether discreet argument.

My ineptitude at moderating my emotions in tense situations meant that, instead of putting my best foot forward, I quite likely left her family with the impression our relationship is more problematic than an episode of And Just Like That. (I loved the original SATC as much as anyone, but its culturally tone-deaf writing should probably stay in the noughties. Also, WHY HAS MIRANDA TURNED INTO A KAREN??).

Stress caused by Christmas can ruin our sex lives, says Nadia Bokody. Picture: Instagram/NadiaBokody

Of course, we aren’t perfect.

I cry often over small things, have a propensity to be unnecessarily dramatic (if you haven’t texted me back in 13 minutes, I’m already holding a focus group) and routinely exhaust all the available toilet paper (don’t @ me, I like extra padding when I wipe).

My girlfriend can be snappy when she’s in a bad mood, consistently leaves clusters of long black hair in my bathtub, and says “I love you” when we’re sitting together on the couch – at which point, I usually turn and realise she’s speaking to her dog.

Regardless of our flaws, we’re very happy most of the time. Blissful, even. Which makes it all the more frustrating that, for the few short days we were with her family, we were the least palatable version of ourselves.

That’s the thing about stress, though. It has a habit of bringing out the worst in us, and it’s usually our intimate relationships that bear the brunt.

The real deathblow? This often translates to a drop-off in physical intimacy. (Or, you know, your SO telling the dog they love them while YOU’RE SITTING RIGHT THERE. It’s like you have to have four legs and a shiny coat to get any affection around here. But I’ll leave that for my next therapy session.)

But there’s a simple way you can reignite a stale sex drive. Picture: iStock

I got to thinking about this recently because, with arguably the most anxiety-inducing time of year upon us, research shows we’re all feeling more frazzled and less amorous than ever toward our partners – women, especially.

A Stanford University study that looked at over half a million women’s annual sexual activity logs confirmed there’s a steep decline in our interest in sex around Christmas.

And it makes perfect sense.

After all, who wants to get it on when they’re still fuming about the fact they received an ironing board cover instead of the necklace they explicitly circled in that conspicuously left out Michael Hill catalogue??

Thankfully, there’s a cure for festive sexlessness, and the specific kind of anxiety that comes with wanting to reassure your girlfriend’s parents their daughter isn’t saddled with a neurotic argument-monger (or, you know, at least not the latter).

Connective acts like holding hands, extended eye contact and kissing are all linked to decreased cortisol and a boost in the feel-good, calming hormone oxytocin (which, incidentally, also helps us feel more bonded with our partners and less likely to want to reach across the Christmas table and strangle them with the ugly jumper Uncle Bob got us again this year).

Nadia suggests non-sexual acts like holding hands to boost arousal. Picture: Instagram/Nadia Bokody.

Ironically, the more of these non-sexual activities you participate in, the greater likelihood there is you’ll end up getting it on under the mistletoe after all. Because the calmer we feel, the easier it is to become sexually aroused.

All that said, on what is supposed to be a day of peace and love, we should also probably cut our partners some slack if they’re not exemplifying Christmas cheer. Hell, maybe even suck back those tears and remind them we have the capacity to be slightly less neurotic around their families when they need us to be.

And maybe, if you’re as lucky as me, you’ll turn to look lovingly into your bae’s eyes as they reassuringly mouth the words “I love you” from across the table over lunch. Only to find they’re not talking to you, they’re talking to the dog.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, TO ALL MY BEAUTIFUL, LOYAL READERS! Thanks for tuning in to my crazy, chaotic sexual misadventures this year. See you all back here in 2022.

Follow Nadia Bokody on Instagram and YouTube for more sex, relationship and mental health content.

Originally published as Nadia Bokody: Sex dwindles at Christmas, but you can save it