‘My partner’s son hates me. What can I do?’

A woman says she’s at a loss after being “rejected” by her partner’s adult son, who is “hurtful and cruel” to her despite her attempts at building a connection.

Clinical psychologist Jo Lamble answers your questions.

Question:

My partner’s adult son completely rejects my presence in his father’s life. It feels like just a blanket hatred for no obvious reasons that I can work out. I’ve tried every avenue to make things pleasant: patience, generosity, kindness, turning a blind eye – and shameless sucking up.

But nothing works and he is quite scathing, hurtful and cruel.

It affects me deeply. What’s your advice for trying to manage and even nurture this relationship so that our future can be positive?

Jo’s Answer:

Do you have any idea why he rejects you? Does his other parent have a problem with you? Were the circumstances behind his parents’ split difficult for him, or is he grieving?

Clinical psychologist Jo Lamble says empathy could help heal the relationship. Picture: iStock

In other words, if you can start with trying to understand his pain, you may find it easier to cope with his rejection. We tend to take things less personally when we come from a place of empathy. Obviously it’s really hard for you, too.

Being a step-parent is really challenging and it doesn’t necessarily become any easier when the step child becomes an adult. You’ve clearly tried many ways to make this relationship work. The one strategy I recommend above any other is to try to find some common ground with him. Is there anything at all you share?

Is there something you can do with him or talk to him about – something that he doesn’t share with his dad or his other parent?

Have a chat to your partner and see if you can both come up with an idea of something you could share. It may be a genre of film, a sport, a comedian or a way of cooking. If you stumble across an idea, carefully plant the seed by bringing up a topic and patiently see if that seed grows.

This article originally appeared on Body and Soul and was reproduced with permission

Originally published as ‘My partner’s son hates me. What can I do?’