‘Why I only last two hours max at parties’

When my two-hour limit for socialising is reached, I’ve been known to wait for my wife in the car and even toot the horn to get her to leave, writes Phil Brown. But my leaving is best for all concerned.

I went to lunch at a friend’s house recently and lasted for two and three quarter hours.

That’s 45 minutes beyond my limit.

My wife was asked how long I would stay and she told our hosts “two hours maximum”.

So everyone was surprised that I persisted but to tell you the truth I was having a good time. At least I think I was. It’s hard to tell.

Being teetotal my social life is usually truncated. I have a friend, also a non drinker, and he can last one and a half hours maximum.

He says ... “A little bit of me goes a long long way” and it’s the same with me.

I don’t like to wear out the welcome and would rather leave on a high.

Now when I say I don’t drink I mean I don’t drink alcohol.

Of course I do drink liquids ....mineral water, sarsaparilla, tea, coffee, the occasional lemon lime and bitters.

Phil Brown. Picture: AAP/ Ric Frearson

My teetotal friend was once approached at a party by a drunk who said to him (because he was holding a glass of orange juice) ... “So you don’t drink?”

“What do you think this is? A f#@@!ing sandwich?”

I think he made his point.

The thing is that with senses unmarred by alcohol social situations take a different lustre and if everyone at the table is half-cut and you are stone cold sober it can get a bit tedious. That’s when I start looking at my watch a lot.

Of course I usually have a good excuse for exiting.

Recently it was ...“I’m sorry I have some work to do” which was only half true. I did have some work to do but it wasn’t urgent.

Occasionally I will use that old standard ...“I’m sorry I have to go home and wash my hair.”

Often my wife and son are less eager to depart so what I will do is go out, sit in the car and wait.

Phil Brown. Picture: AAP/ Ric Frearson

Sometimes I will even toot the horn which doesn’t go down well. I usually have to go back in and read them the riot act to get them out.

You might wonder why I go anywhere in the first place and, to tell you the truth, I do wonder that myself.

But I’m told I can be quite amusing, for an hour or so.

After that I go off and leaving is best for all concerned.