‘Weak, sensitive and not tough enough’: Aussie icon reveals hidden health battle
Champion swimmer Hayley Lewis opens up about the pain behind her success, the family tragedy that changed her life and how she feels about her swim superstar son’s rise.
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She rose to fame fast and early as she dominated the pool as a youngster but at what cost?
Olympic swimmer Hayley Lewis opens up in a candid interview about the pain behind her success, the family tragedy that changed their lives forever and how she feels about her swim superstar son’s rise.
Lewis is now Queensland’s Mental Health Ambassador and passionate about helping others.
What does being Queensland’s Mental Health Ambassador mean to you?
It means the world to me. I had such a difficult experience as an athlete and I was often told I was “weak and sensitive and not tough enough” whenever I expressed that I was worried or felt pressured.
It was only after the death of my sister in 2004 (Toni, 34, took her own life after giving birth to her third child) that I began to understand mental health in greater detail.
It gave me a better understanding of how normal the feelings were during my swimming career and it gave me the opportunity to understand other people’s emotions.
Being a small-business owner (Coming up Roses in Balmoral) and being responsible for the welfare and safety of my employees, I realised that their mental health and wellbeing was a major component that I had to prioritise as an employer.
My employees were all there for me when my sister died and it then became a driving force for me to understand their lives and things they may be dealing with.
As part of my role as mental health ambassador, I have played a role in supporting Industrial Relations Minister Grace Grace’s new psychosocial code of practice.
The new code, which is the first legally enforceable code of its type in Australia, is designed to empower Queensland businesses with practical information and guidance to create mentally healthy workplaces.
I am proud to be in a position to encourage business owners and workers to be vigilant to the signs of mental health.
Can you describe the impact losing your sister had on you?
I cannot even describe how the death of my sister has changed our family as a unit and as individuals.
Toni was definitely my biggest cheerleader during my swimming career and she really was the rock of our family. Being the oldest sibling, the three of us really looked up to her and I especially was guided by her in regards to how I was feeling during my swimming career.
Toni would send me faxes and “hero grams” when I’d be overseas and her words were always supportive and caring.
Losing Toni 19 years ago still seems hard to believe. I still do talks reflecting on her death and I get very emotional. At that stage, mental health wasn’t spoken about so freely, so our family didn’t understand the gravity of how Toni was feeling.
We knew something wasn’t right but none of us would have thought she was suicidal. Fortunately now in 2023, mental health is becoming more commonplace to discuss and seek help for. Toni was the driving force for me to do a Bachelor of Psychological Science degree in 2018. I’ve now almost completed my first year of my Master of Counselling.
Apart from missing her every day, the biggest obstacle for me is worrying that whenever my loved ones are upset or down, I immediately start to get anxious that it may lead to suicide.
I’m getting better, but it’s a very conscious feeling that I have when I start to feel an anxiety attack coming on.
How do you relax as a family?
I work Saturday and Sunday every week in my store so most weekends are like a weekday for me.
Greg (Taylor) is also a small-business owner so our Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons are very special to us and because of Kai’s training schedule, he’s always sleeping.
Our eldest son Jacob has moved out and is now engaged but we try to spend time as a family. We usually catch up at a pub for an early dinner on a Sunday afternoon.
How do you feel about the rise of your son Kai in the world of swimming?
Apprehensive but excited. Kai has had a low-key start to his swimming career, which is the opposite to mine, which I’m thankful for.
He’s chipped away little by little in terms of his progression, which is a far better and more mentally positive way to have your swimming career unfold.
For me, being very good at such a young age, it was difficult to keep improving and the expectation was always to be better than what I’d done when I was young (which is almost impossible after winning five gold medals at your first international meet at 15 years old).
This pressure meant that I spent most of my swimming career unhappy and wishing I was doing something else.
I have an amazing opportunity to witness the passion and drive Kai now has as a 20 year old, and it makes Greg and I so proud and excited for him.
What role have you played in his swimming career so far?
As a parent, you’re there for them no matter what; picking them up and dropping them at training, cheering in the stands, buying the best food and vitamins etc, encouraging them, consoling them when they’re sad.
I think my husband and I play very different roles in regards to Kai’s swimming. Greg is definitely the organiser of all of Kai’s equipment and training needs, whereas my role is being there for him to keep things in perspective.
I don’t give advice, it’s probably encouragement, care, perspective and understanding. He’s in such a great swimming program at St Peters Western with Dean Boxall and with the support team from QAS (Queensland Academy of Sport), so he honestly needs no advice from me.
His older brother probably gives him the best advice about staying calm, but my husband and I learnt many years ago that giving advice doesn’t always go the way you think, so we try to encourage more than anything.
What emotions do you have watching him race?
Both boys have been hard workers, so to watch them compete knowing the level of commitment they have put in is the reason I probably act the way I do.
I spent 95 per cent of my swimming career with anxiety, so a large part of me hopes that Kai doesn’t experience this moving forward.
It was extremely surreal for both Greg and I to sit in the stands at the Fukuoka (at the world championships in July) and watch him walk out in his green and gold tracksuit.
We just kept saying to each other, “is this really happening?”
To see him walk out for the heat of the 4x200 freestyle on the first day of the meet was almost too much for me to deal with.
At the peak of your swimming career, what were your biggest mental health challenges?
The expectation that came after the 1990 Commonwealth Games. I so desperately just wanted to swim and I couldn’t understand the interest the public and media had in me.
I certainly developed an introvert personality to the point where I felt anxious going away on swimming camps, going to public events, socially with people I didn’t know, and even socially with people I did know.
I really just wanted to go to swimming training, which I actually loved but I started to not enjoy competing as much because if I didn’t swim well, things were often written about me that were extremely difficult to read.
My coach was also very open with speaking to journalists and would often expose personal things which were also embarrassing and hard to read. Looking back, I can’t believe I actually kept swimming for as long as I did.
What helped you cope?
I didn’t cope. I developed anxiety and self-esteem issues that took many years to repair; in fact I’m still a work in progress.
The only thing keeping me going was the thought of a life after swimming that I was excited to start.
My life definitely started the day I arrived back in Australia after the Atlanta Olympics. Greg picked me up from the airport and we went straight to our house and started our life together.
Reflecting on things, I wish I had started to see a psychologist from about the age of 16.
Decades on, how do you reflect on that time in your life?
Proud of myself for getting through it but sad that I didn’t have the emotional support that I obviously needed.
I see the level of support Kai has from a mental health perspective and I’m just so grateful that he has a sports psychologist and a coach that really understands the enormity of a swimmer’s mental health.
Dean has been there for Kai at times when he’s been away from home. I’m just so grateful that Swimming Australia also has a better understanding of the wellbeing of swimmers.
My old teammate and great friend Linley Frame is the athlete wellbeing and engagement manager and does a fantastic job of looking after the swimmers.
Can you share your best tips to cope when life gets challenging?
Exercise, exercise, exercise! For me, when I feel healthy, I generally feel less stressed. Being consistent with my exercise has definitely helped me feel more calm and my mind less busy.
Being a small-business owner open seven days a week, studying and being a mum is pretty full-on so to have an hour of the day to sweat and push myself makes me feel like I can cope with the things I need to.
I think being in retail and on my feet all day requires a level of fitness and mental strength to keep calm and ready for the day ahead.
Also, when I started seeing a psychologist eight years ago, it completely changed my life. I understood things about my experiences that really made sense in terms of the way I thought and reacted to things.
What can we all do each day to be more mentally healthy?
Maintaining good mental health is essential for overall wellbeing, and there are daily habits we can all be doing to promote mental health – making sure we’re getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, keeping hydrated, taking breaks to avoid fatigue and, of course practising mindfulness.
As part of my role as Queensland’s mental health ambassador – I’m really focused on promoting the benefits of mentally healthy workplaces.
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