‘Violently ill’: Why you shouldn’t jump into the Brisbane river

Thinking about jumping into the Brisbane river? Here’s what happens if you do, Frances Whiting writes.

The Brisbane River at Queen's Wharf. Picture: Richard Walker

I once saw a cow floating down the Brisbane River. A Cow. At least I think it was a cow, it was during one of the Great Floods we’ve had - I can’t remember which one - it feels like there’s been so many.

Anyway, the cow - if indeed it was a cow, it could have been a refrigerator - was alive, as far as I could tell and doing the breaststroke. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

The brown snake. Picture: Richard Walker

I also once knew a man who jumped into the Brisbane River when he was attending a party on a boat cruising along it. Which, frankly, I understand. I hate parties on boats. You are stuck there for a designated time period which is always too long - or when the beer and wine package runs out, whichever comes first, the sound system is always terrible, and don’t even talk to me about the bathroom situation.

So no wonder that bloke jumped off, I would have jumped off too, if I wasn’t worried about a) getting caught under the motor b) being eaten by a bull shark or C) catching some hideous, flesh eating disease.

Anyway, the bloke I knew who did jump off (and I am by no means recommending this, no matter how bad the canapes are) made it to shore, but was violently ill for days afterwards with some sort of gastro illness.

Anyway the point is, that I do not recommend swimming in the Brisbane River, patrolled as it is by the occasional cow, bull sharks, not to mention being mowed down by a team of high school rowers shouting unintelligible things at each other.

Unless. Unless we somehow manage, as has been suggested, to clean up sections of it in time for the 2032 Brisbane Olympics.

Illustration by Jonathan Bentley.

Now this has actually been suggested as a real possibility by the very person who somehow managed to up the Seine for the Paris Olympics. Oui, Benjamin Raigneau (who, by the way was educated at our own University of Queensland and is therefore probably very well acquainted with our wide, brown snake from watching it from the verandah at the Regatta) says that it would be possible to make the Brissie River swimmable.

This man knows his stuff, he fast tracked the $2.3bn dollar Seine clean-up operations so that athletes could compete in both the triathlon and open swimming events. I’m going to go one further, Benjamin, and we also copy the opening ceremony’s use of the Seine ourselves.

Here is what I’m thinking, the athletes are transported down the river by a procession of CityCats, led by the Bluey ones, obviously, accompanied by a flotilla of other boats and watercraft, with people waving from the banks while singing Love You Brisbane.

I know, genius. I also think we should refloat The Island party boat for dignitaries, obviously.

What do you all think? Should we try to clean up the Brissie River for the Olympics? Or here’s a thought, how about we just try to clean it up, full stop?

My mother remembers a time when our river was not brown at all, but a lovely shade of greeny blue, and when there were designated swimming beaches along it.

It was a long time ago, granted, but wouldn’t it be wonderful to try to clean it up for future generations, as well as future Olympians? Still not sure what to do about the bull sharks, though.

Fran Loves: Rebecca Levingston and Susie O’Neill. Both of these women are hanging up their radio earphones - for now - and both are absolute gems both behind the mic and in person. Bravo, ladies!