The 7 rules that will help you survive 2022

Before we truly drive into this year, I think it’s time to establish some ground rules moving forward for 2022. Here’s what I propose, writes Mel Buttle.

We’re still a sleepy bunch at this time of year; Australia really only gets in the swing of things once school starts back.

I wonder, before we dive into this year, if we could have some ground rules moving forward for 2022.

Here are some I’d like to propose:

● Unless you’ve made a purchase from a company, they’re not allowed to send you multiple emails a week. Companies are like smitten schoolgirls these days, with subject lines like, “Mel, we’ve got something to tell you.” What is it? That you’re going to pony club camp this year? Sure, I could search around for the 7 point size unsubscribe button, hidden down the very bottom, that when pressed says, “we’re sad you’re leaving us” with a big frown face. You need to find another group to sit with at lunch, you’re coming on way too strong.

Please don’t upsell me.

● We can also scrap the final upsell you get at the register: “These are actually three for $90, is there anything else you’d like to pick up today so you can get three for $90?” I reply, “No thanks, just that one is great.”

There’s still a long way to go before I get to swipe my tattered bank card though, “Now do you want to donate $2 to our charity fund today?” “Sure,” I reply, “I mean you’re the big company and I’m here putting a $35 T-shirt on credit, but I guess every little bit helps.”

I’ve now got my card out ready to swipe, it must be high time to be asked if I want the receipt in the bag. Wrong again. “Did you want to grab one of our $5 calico totes today, or are you right for a bag?” I guess I’m right for a bag at that price.

I get it, I’ve worked in retail too and I mean absolutely no disrespect to the frontline worker with very sore feet who is made to say these lines over blaring Billie Eilish remixes. If anyone reading this is in retail management, let’s have a little break from the three upsells at the register? Just for 2022, we can reassess later I promise.

● If you’re carrying shopping into your home, your neighbour must settle for a wave only and not start up a chat.

If I’m carrying a lot of bags, settle for a wave.

● If someone has a private account on social media, and they comment something troll-like or yucky on your public account, you are granted access to a quick little viewing of their account so you can arm up for the pending stoush in a more informed way. Fair’s fair in 2022.

● I’d like to be able to override parcels that get taken to the post office if you’re not home. Give me a box to click that says, “Yes I acknowledge that this parcel will be left on my patio and will be endlessly tempting to local thieves, however I’m willing to take this risk as this is a sample sachet of protein powder and my large brindle dog will pick up the slack here.”

● When radio stations say, “We’ll play some Adele after this” it had better happen straight after whatever this is please, or be honest and say, “We’ll play some Adele for you in 17 minutes’ time.”

● When a fast-food place launches a one-off special menu item, I want to know exactly when it will end. For a limited time is way too vague. Also restaurants that have opening hours, 10am til late, can we get a bit more specific here please? You’re open or you’re not, you can’t be pregnant-ish.

I’ll see you out there real soon, I’ll be the one putting a $5 tote bag on Afterpay.