Phil Brown: How to turn up without attending

As an arts editor and reviewer Phil Brown is regularly seen at social events and theatre openings but he’s been keeping a secret for some time about how he does it night after night.

I’ve been going to far too many social events recently.

One week I was out five nights in a row. I am cutting back though and thinking smarter about what I attend.

Because mostly I attend to do my duty and once I have been seen at the event my duty is done.

I can leave. Quietly. So no-one notices.

Rather than go out a lot one should be judicious about what one attends to get maximum bang for one’s buck.

I recently attended the opening of William Yang’s excellent exhibition at the Queensland Art Gallery. Everybody I know was there which was great.

I did a month’s socialising in one evening and can now cut down on what I attend in the coming weeks.

In my younger years I was, believe it or not, a social columnist.

The most anti-social columnist you would ever meet.

I had an excuse for flitting off early in those days, telling people I had to file my story. Which was bull.

But even if I was only at an event for 15 minutes people saw me so it counted.

In fact after one brief appearance I ran into somebody who wanted to talk about what a great night it was. “I was only there briefly,” I said.

But this person claimed to have had a long chat to me later in the evening.

That was, I suspect, due to the affects of alcohol.

So even if you just show your face people assume you were there all night.

Basically, if I go to a show at QPAC and I’m not reviewing it I really only have to turn up half an hour before the show, say hi to everyone in the foyer and leave, surreptitiously, as they are all going in and no-one would notice.

I could go away and come back for interval and the post show celebrations and people would be none the wiser.

And when they asked if I enjoyed the show I would say... “Let me get back to you about that.”

The best way to make an impact is to arrive at a function, make your way through the crowd nodding and waving and once you’re sure everyone has seen you just excuse yourself, say you are going to the loo, and go home. Try not to get spotted leaving though.

Sounds like a plan? Of course it does.