Mel Buttle: What your dog says about you

Golden Lab? Sorry, you’re basic. French bulldog? The official dog of Teneriffe. Comedian Mel Buttle gives her take on you and your pooch.

What does you dog choice say about you? Allow me to explain. In the same vein as my recent wrap-up on Brisbane suburbs here’s my take on your pooch.

Rescue greyhound:
You had a big stint as a vegetarian in your 20s, and even though you’re back on meat, you still won’t eat bacon. You’ve got a worm farm and you’re constantly looking into a tree change.

Golden labrador:

You’re basic. I’m sorry, but you’re the potato salad at the barbecue.

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Chocolate labrador: The late-30s hipster’s labrador. The lab of choice for people who have a bit of coin and a Skoda wagon.

Black labrador:You love camping – these people are always away camping. The dog often has an ironic name, like Nigel or Beverley.

Mel Buttle with her beloved dog Ruby. Picture: Lachie Millard

Beagle:These owners are neat freaks; highly organised people own beagles. They always have to have treats in their pockets to get their dog’s attention back just in case.

Border collie:Owners are in training for a triathlon. They love to show off that their dog can roll over and bark on command in public. They’re always “up the coast”, never down the coast. You won’t find a border collie on the Gold Coast.

French bulldog:The official dog of Teneriffe. Frenchie owners have a baby wardrobe with their dog’s outfits in it. This is the dog of corporate power couples, lawyers and marketing execs – all of them love a Frenchie. Frenchie owners take their dog absolutely everywhere with them.

German shepherd:Owners have at least three kids and a husband who works away. Hence, why Rex was purchased.

Comedian Mel Buttle when she was a dog walker. Picture: Ian Currie

Staffy:The elite dog of the outer suburbs, a blue staffy is serious bogan cred. Staffy owners have a habit of yelling out “he’s friendly” as their dog barrels up to you. Staffy owners will have their dog’s name tattooed on them somewhere.

Cavoodle:These pets are a result of a power struggle between the couple: someone wanted a maltese, but the other person wanted a cocker spaniel. The cavoodle was the only dog that was somewhat acceptable to both parties. Cavoodle owners carry their dog across the road for some reason.

Jack russell:Owners are on the go. They’ve got to get to soccer, a dinner and then be at Clark Rubber when it opens tomorrow. Their backyards are covered in tennis balls and rope toys. Thought they were getting a small dog, instead they got a 7kg hurricane.

Great dane: Owners are sick to death of all the questions – they’ve got the answers prepped for you: “He’s six, 65 kilos. About four cups a day.” They’re mostly quiet people who now have to face being stopped on the street to chat about their dog.

Rescue dog:Owners will let you know their dog is a rescue straight away. They’ve had to train this dog to not be afraid of curtains, so you’re going to hear about Coco’s journey even if you don’t ask.

Comedian Mel Buttle when she was a dog walker. Picture: Ian Currie

Golden retrievers: The official dog of Bardon. Golden retriever owners spend their life apologising for their dog drooling on your pants.

Bulldog: The creative dog choice for tradies, bulldog owners go one of two ways with the naming of the dog: They’re either called Diesel or Coach, or a human name like Lionel or Betty. Tradies who own an Amarok ute often have a bulldog.

Husky:Owners will not take their sunglasses off to speak to you. They are cyclists in their spare time and are kind of impressed when their dog trots in the dog park and all the small dogs run away.

Dachshund: These owners are cardigan wearers. They’re quirky and so are their dogs. Ad agencies will have one of these under the front counter if you look closely.