Mel Buttle: The weird things I do to get to sleep

It’s come to my attention that I have weird sleep habits … well mostly pertaining to the falling asleep part. To go to sleep, I need a lot of set-up.

IT’S COME to my attention that I have weird sleep habits … well mostly pertaining to the falling asleep part.

Mel Buttle.

I’m not sure what I do when I’m actually asleep. I assume I lie there looking cherubic not making a sound apart from an occasional sigh while I dream about carbs and cheese.

To go to sleep, I need a lot of set-up. Firstly, I must be wearing socks.
I assume it’s widespread knowledge that monsters can’t get your tootsies if you’re wearing socks.

Then, I need some solid sensory deprivation – I need my eye mask on and something to listen to. The something is quite specific though: I like true crime podcasts, or to have old episodes of Mother and Son playing me to sleep. Some people don’t understand how I can fall asleep listening to violent crimes, but there’s something soothing about a monotone American voice telling me about crimes that happened ages away from my home. I can’t listen to Australian true crime podcasts for the purposes of sleep – too close to home.

They’re reserved for daytime driving or cooking only. Once the sun goes down, the crimes need to be offshore or white-collar only. I’ve also had the same pillow since I was a child. Of course I can sleep on other pillows, but it’s never as good. Yes, it’s old and stained but it’s the perfect balance of squishy and firm for this girl. I don’t think I’m alone here on this next sleep stipulation: the doona or a sheet must be touching my face, yes, even if it’s hot. Monsters can’t see you if the blankets are over your ear. Best to play it safe.

I’ve been sleeping so well lately, maybe it’s the rain, or perhaps it’s my monster-proof set-up, keeping me safe.
I track my sleep with a sleep app. I’m not sure how accurate these apps are, but it’s nice to be able to play your own snoring back to yourself. I don’t snore as much anymore after cutting out booze and upping the exercise, but there are still a few minutes in there each night.

Nobody’s perfect, apart from Nigella Lawson.

Mel Buttle is a Brisbane comedian

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