Mel Buttle: Hilarious reasons kids are cooler now than I was in the ’80s

From gourmet school lunches to natural fibre outfits and birthday parties with hash tags, being a kid these days is way cooler than growing up in the 80s.

I know every generation whinges about the one below them – not me. I live in deep envy of the youngsters of today, living it up with their easy access to flavoursome, multicultural cuisine, clothing made of natural fibres and lighting-fast technology.

I reckon most kids these days have never come home to a salmon mornay and gone straight off to bed after Frank Warwick’s World Around Us.

Let’s run an eye over my late ’80s childhood compared to what’s on offer today.

The food of my childhood was, in a word, brown.

Sausages with brown onion gravy, well-done roast lamb which was then turned into a curry and, of course, for something exotic there was apricot chicken.

Hungry? Have a Sao, and watch it crumble all down your shirt on the first bite. To which Mum would then mutter, “I just washed that”.

Unlike the current nutrition-packed bento boxes that kids pull out of their cooler bags each morning tea, back in my day we had and loved, a squished whitebread sandwich, a rapidly browning apple and a Golden Pash Popper.

Parents pack much more exciting lunches for kids than in the 1980s.

The only vegie at the tuckshop was lettuce, under a lukewarm patty of what we hoped was chicken on the chicken, lettuce and mayo burger.

None of this would be considered Instagram-worthy but the lack of finesse didn’t stop the school bully putting the pressure on for my popper.

What do bullies want these days, the hummus and rice crackers?

The carob-coated, dried pear?

I’ve clocked some school lunches that could be MasterChef auditions; the knife-work, the presentation.

White bread was the only bread that was available until focaccia hit the Brisbane suburbs, and back then it was a white bread roll with oregano sprinkled on it.

If you were really good, and it was pay week, Friday night could be takeaway for dinner. There were two options: fish and chips or Chinese.

On my birthday the cousins would come over for a swim and we’d be fed a bowl of cheerios and sauce. No photo wall, no hashtags like #EthanIs8, just you losing games of handball to your big cousin ’til you cracked it and threw the ball on the roof.

Even socks have had a makeover.

In the ’80s socks were socks.

They were white or black, they came up well above your ankle, and were itchy.

Now you can get cushioned footlets, ribbed sneaker socks, bamboo socks, socks with your dog’s face on them. Socks have found their voice and chased their dreams.

Kids have so many interests these days, coding camp, hip hop dance class and archery.

Sport was more limited when I was a kid: karate, gymnastics, footy, ballet or netball.

Take your pick, which one and only one, did you want to do? Lord help you if you lost interest in your chosen sport after Mum had bought you the uniform and paid term fees. “What do you mean you don’t want to go to gymnastics anymore?” Mum would screech, as she dug you out from under your doona on Saturday morning.

Your room didn’t have a theme, your name wasn’t emblazoned on the door in a mosaic, your room’s theme was, “it’s the 1980s and we live in Ferny Hills, hope you like apricot and brown”.

Even parenting looks very different. I heard a lot of, “because I said so”.

Nowadays it seems to be a discussion held at the face height of a toddler about choices and consequences.

One thing hasn’t changed though, cries of, “I’m hungry”, are still met with, “why don’t you have a banana?”.