Hey girl, hit me up, happy hump day: These are the worst email offences

At the risk of sounding like a grumpy, middle-aged woman, I would like people to stop sending me emails that begin with any salutation other than Dear Frances. That’s it.

At the risk of sounding like a grumpy, middle-aged woman – which, to be fair, I am – I would like people to stop sending me emails that begin with any salutation other than the following. Dear Frances. That’s it.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask, and yet, every day my inbox is increasingly overflowing with missives from people who appear to believe we met in a nightclub bathroom when I shared my lipgloss with them. Or at summer camp.

Now, these missives are invariably from public relations companies or marketing agencies promoting a product or a person they represent.

I have no problem with this whatsoever, they are just doing their job, and I understand how difficult it is to stand out in the avalanche of emails filling our inboxes.

But (again, could be me being a cranky, middle aged woman, could be perimenopause/menopause, could be just really annoying) I am increasingly receiving emails which begin with salutations like, “Hey there!” Or “Hey Frances, what’s up?”

I know, I should lighten up, but the following are real-life examples I have received over the past few weeks, and my question is this.

Am I wrong to expect work correspondence to be written in a professional manner?

Is a “Dear Frances” too much to ask?

What about the sign-off? What happened to the – admittedly passive aggressive – “Looking forward to hearing from you”?

Am I wrong to prefer that to “Hit me up!” which is how one person recently signed off their email to me.

Frances Whiting. Picture: David Kelly

Apparently I can hit her up for more information if I need to. I don’t know if I want to hit anybody up, it sounds vaguely like a date situation to me.

Anyway, at the risk of sounding like the Grinch who stole Christmas, and every other public holiday, here is a sample of salutations from recent emails I have received, and ignored, because they annoyed me.

Hey girl! Hey, person who does not know me at all! It has been a long, long time since I was a girl, so you either have not done your research as to my demographic, or you have seen a very, very old photo of me.

Hey girlie! I wish I was joking, but I’m not. Even when I was a girlie, I don’t think I was a “girlie”.

Good morning beauty! Look, I’m flattered, I really am, but clearly you have never seen me first thing in the morning.

Hello Queen! Actually, I quite like this one.

Hey Frances, what’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up. I’m not reading the rest of your email, that’s what’s up.

Happy Hump Day! Sent on Wednesdays only. Someone in HR once decreed that Wednesday was Hump Day, which is to say, the middle of the week. You’ve climbed the hard part of the figurative camel’s back, ie, Monday and Tuesday, and you are now at the hump, and ready to coast down to Thursday and Friday and the weekend. Ironically, it doesn’t make me giddy with joy because just reading Happy Hump Day has put me in a bad mood.

Happy Friyay! No.