‘Food poisoning, earthquakes and savage monkeys’: Holiday horrors revealed

For many of us it’s been so long since we’ve been able to head overseas that we’ve forgotten that international travel rarely runs smoothly. Phil Brown is on hand to jog your memory.

You’re feeling all misty-eyed when you think about travelling overseas again, right? But you have probably forgotten that international travel has its problems.

I wrote a book about that called Travels with My Angst.

And that angst has continued over the decades.

Here I recall some of the things that went awry.

TRUDGING THE HIMALAYAS

Always do your research before you go.

Trekking in Nepal in the Himalayas sounded romantic enough. You walk from hotel to hotel, or so my wife told me, although she wasn’t my wife then. (We got married the following year, 1992)

I pictured myself with a walking staff and a little Tyrolean hat warming myself by the fire each night after comfortably strolling through alpine meadows.

Supplied Features Phil Brown in Nepal

Wrong. What you actually do on a Himalayan trek is slog it out all day up impossible slopes, crossing rushing rivers on dangerous bridges before collapsing upon arrival at a medieval hut with no electricity or running water. They laughingly call these dumps hotels. All this after a bone-shaking six hour journey from Kathmandu on the most dangerous roads in the world in a 1971 Toyota Corolla driven by a madman playing Simply Red over and over again.

I didn’t so much trek as trudge. My profanities are probably still echoing in the alpine recesses of the Langtang Valley.

HONEYMOON HELL

Start as you mean to go on they say. It was supposed to be a honeymoon starting in Singapore and then going on to Tioman Island, a jungly Malaysian jewel in the South China Sea. And it started well until a fateful snorkelling expedition.

Who gets seasick snorkelling?

Phil Brown snorkelling on his honeymoon.

“Lie down up here,” suggested the skipper of the small wooden vessel we were on for our day trip from the main resort. Woozy after being helped back aboard I lay flat on the top of the boat.

I remained there a tad too long and got a touch of sunstroke in the burning tropical heat.

By the evening I had nearly recovered until I made the mistake of eating a plate of noodles that contained meat, seafood, chicken and everything else that they had in the kitchen.

Trapped on an island with no medical assistance and food poisoning is not a lot of fun.

ROME OR BUST

Make sure you check all your documentation prior to travelling. Particularly the dates on your visas.

In the mid 1990s you still required one to visit France and we arranged ours before we left Brisbane.

We had a stunning trip planned by train from Paris to Rome. But we had to get from London to Paris first and that meant a ferry from Dover in those days. So after a week at swish digs in Knightsbridge we made our way to Dover and put our bags through to get on the ferry. Then it all went pear-shaped.

Phil Brown and his son Hamish in Paris.

The dates of the visas in our passports were wrong and the authorities informed us we could not cross and quickly returned our bags to us. I went white then red then white again.

My meltdown continued as I lay on the ground and spun around like Curly in the Three Stooges. A small crowd gathered. My wife Sandra ushered me outside. We were so traumatised we caught a taxi all the way back to London which cost a fortune.

We missed the Paris train so had to book flights to Rome. I’ll never forget arriving at the airport and checking in.

The British Airways guy looked at my passport and said “What’s it like being upside down?” Because we came from the land Down Under. Boom boom.

NEVER THROW INTO THE WIND

Know your limitations when travelling.

I forgot that when I agreed to go sailing in Vancouver, the gorgeous Canadian city where my brother lives. His father-in-law had a yacht moored at the exclusive West Vancouver Yacht Club and on a very crisp (make that freezing) November day we headed out on the water, which was fine until it wasn’t.

A half-hour into the voyage we hit some chop and I was gone for all money.

A yacht in Vancouver, Canada.

They propped me at the back of the boat where I swooned and tried desperately to keep my breakfast down. All I could think of was a line from The Goon Show, “Never throw into the wind.”

I should never go out on the water in a small boat. I had forgotten that. By the time we got back to the yacht club I was catatonic and they laid me on the couch in the foyer while everyone else had lunch.

Members arriving were greeted by this groaning despondent figure with his beanie pulled down almost over his face.

I’m sure I heard one of them mutter “drug addict” under his breath.

MONKEY BUSINESS IN BALI

Never make eye contact with a monkey. We learnt that the hard way.

I’m sure many of you may have visited the Sacred Monkey Forest Sanctuary in Ubud in Bali. My advice is simple. Don’t. Last time we were in Ubud we stayed in Monkey Forest road and one day took a walk down to the forest entrance.

I saw people going in and wanted to shout to warn them. “Let them find out for themselves,” my wife said. I’m sure they did. When we were a bit green we made the mistake of thinking the monkeys were cute and harmless.

They’re actually terrifying and if they suspect you have food you will be harassed as we were until I tossed my banana away.

We ended up shuffling along staring straight ahead with open palms to show we weren’t concealing food. They bared their teeth at us menacingly.

There are temples and forests all over South East Asia and the Subcontinent where you have to run the monkey gauntlet.

I keep well clear and you would be advised to do the same unless you like having rabies shots.

SNOWED IN AT JASPER

If you don’t do your homework thoroughly you may end up trapped in Jasper like us.

Jasper is a ski town in Alberta in the Canadian Rockies and it’s not the worst place to be trapped. We caught the train there from Vancouver early in a northern winter and were going to stay a night or two before driving to Lake Louise and Banff along The Icefields Parkway, which is famously picturesque.

We picked up our car and drove to Fairmont Jasper Park Lodge where the Queen and Prince Philip once stayed. Nice.

On our second morning we were going to set off on our adventure when the manager approached me.

Canada's Winter Wonderland.

“You’re not thinking of driving are you?” he said. I nodded.

He suggested that would be folly. “Do you have blankets, flares and a satellite phone?” he asked.

I shook my head. Nobody mentioned the fact that there was no cell phone coverage or services on the famous highway in winter and that the road conditions made it virtually impassible by car at times.

I didn’t want anyone to find our frozen bodies trapped in our vehicle by the Athabasca Glacier so we arranged to stay put. We spent a week in Jasper instead wearing five layers of clothing and going stir crazy in our log cabin (a rather sumptuous log cabin I might add) as the snow fell outside. But at least we lived.

HURRICANE IN HAWAII

If you’re a nervous flyer like I am and you are overseas you should not look at weather reports. It doesn’t help.

I remember being in Bangkok with a typhoon brewing somewhere to the south and I was so worried watching BBC World News following it that I lost track of time and we nearly missed the plane.

On a trip to Hawaii a few years back I was relaxed and feeling fine until I watched the CNN weather report.

Mai Tai Bar, The Royal Hawaiian, Waikiki. Picture: Erica Nasca

There was a hurricane heading straight for us! I went into a permanent funk. We were having breakfast that morning with the PR person from The Royal Hawaiian at Waikiki where we were staying and I just stared down at my plate the whole time muttering about the hurricane. She must have thought I was mad. Or something.

The next few days were torture as I pictured the plane home bucking like a bronco in the middle of a maelstrom. Of course the hurricane fizzled out before it got anywhere near us and the flight home was fine but I lost four days over it.

FROZEN IN PARIS

You know the song I love Paris? It starts off with “I love Paris in the Springtime.” I reckon I would too because I certainly didn’t enjoy it much in winter.

In 2017 we arrived in the French capital in the first week of December and it was fricking freezing. We had come across from England and that was cold enough. We were staying at a luxurious hotel, The Peninsula Paris and I just wanted to stay in my room but my wife and son insisted on walking all over the damn city.

I had a coat which wasn’t quite warm enough and there was a constant drizzle with the temperature hovering around six degrees all day.

Peninsula Hotel in Paris.

We met up with a friend who lives there, the Australian film writer Helen Barlow and she insisted on walking everywhere with us too.

I got colder and grumpier with each step. We took in the sights and luckily the Eiffel Tower was closed. I don’t like heights either.

I was so glad when we finally got on the plane to come home although we just sat on the tarmac.

Then the pilot announced that due to an intense weather system and high winds we would have to wait for a while. When we got in the air we had six solid hours of turbulence. I turned to my wife and said: “I’m never going anywhere again ... ever.” I lied.

A LITTLE TREMOR IN TOKYO

I guess I forgot about the earthquakes.

We were having a great time in Japan and after a few days in Kyoto were back in the capital staying at The Peninsula Tokyo.

We had just been out for a meal and had come back to our room on the seventh floor when I noticed the shower door in the bathroom had swung open. Then there was a low rumble and a couple of others doors opened and then it struck us. It’s a bloody earthquake!

What next? An attack by Godzilla?

The Peninsula Tokyo.

You read about these things but you forget they really happen.

When it was over we all sat looking at each other. I rang down to the front desk? “What do we do now?” I asked. “Please sir, do not concern yourself, there is no problem.”

“No problem! We just had a f@*&ing earthquake!” I said.

I guess they are used to them.

I went downstairs and everything was normal.

No-one seemed even slightly perturbed but we were rattled. Luckily the hotel was relatively new and had been built for such things. Still, it freaked us out.

We were flying out the next day and needed a good night’s sleep but I slept with one eye open all night waiting for the big one. Thankfully it never came.

THE MOSCOW SUITCASE

FIASCO

I was very, very nervous about going to Moscow in early 2019 to interview the Bolshoi Ballet ahead of their visit to Brisbane.

But when I got there I was fine and had a wonderful time. It was February and freezing but I had a down jacket and a Russian hat that kept me warm.

The Bolshoi was amazing and I stayed at the famous Metropol Hotel across the road from the Bolshoi Theatre. But of course eventually I had to get home and that got me stressed again.

I probably shouldn’t have eaten Chinese takeaway the day before flying home though.

I was sick as a dog and not in the best shape for a flight that would take more than 24 hours all up.

In a state of nausea and tension about half an hour before the car was to pick me up to go to the airport I decided to close my suitcase.

I zipped it up and the zip tore all the way around, rendering it completely useless. Great. I swore profusely. Now I was in a panic. I rushed down to the concierge and asked where I could buy a suitcase.

He started giving me directions. “Just take me there!” I shouted and I grabbed one of the bellhops. In his uniform and cap he led me to a shopping centre near Red Square.

We sped back to the hotel where my car was waiting. I rushed upstairs, repacked in three minutes flat and rushed back down throwing myself into the back of a big, black BMW fit for a Russian Mafia don.

“That was fun,” I said to the driver, who completely ignored me. Russians are good like that.

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