‘Fears my identity will be stolen’: My terrifying journey to unsubscribe

I recently tried to unsubscribe from the hundreds of unsolicited emails I receive. This is the dark place that journey took me, writes Fran Whiting.

A war on spam.

Do you receive hundreds of unsolicited emails every week from companies you have no recollection of providing your email to/ have absolutely no interest in hearing from/and suspect are not really offering you the chance to reclaim your rightful crown in a minor European principality?

Well I do, and during a bout of illness where I was confined to quarters recently, I attempted to unsubscribe from most of them.

Instead of mindlessly scrolling through Instagram to look at videos of dogs who look like their owners, I scrolled through hundreds of emails from people and companies I have never heard of, or subscribed to, including a site that wanted to give me a free “Pleasure Egg”. I don’t know who the person was who sent it to me; possibly Gwyneth Paltrow.

The thing is, as I learnt when attempting to unsubscribe from most of these companies, they don’t make it easy on you to do so.

How to unsubscribe?

They do this using a variety of strategies, starting off with the one where they appear to be faintly surprised by your move: “Did you mean to unsubscribe from our mailing list?” they ask gently, as if perhaps you have lost all control of your mind. And when that doesn’t work they then demand you tell them exactly why you are leaving.

“Before you go,” they say, “please take a moment to choose from the following reasons you are unsubscribing.”

All companies seem to then provide the exact same list of possible reasons kicking off with: “I no longer want to receive these emails.”

Fairly bleeding obvious this is the reason, you’d think, but no, after that there’s “I didn’t sign up to this mailing list”; “These emails are inappropriate (I’m looking at you, Pleasure Egg); “These emails are spam and should be reported” and lastly the rather intriguing “Other”.

Lying in my sick bed, I had plenty to ponder just what the “Other” reasons might be – and what I (or any one of us) might answer if we were to be honest …

Bulk delete.

So, here goes: “I guess lately I’ve just been feeling overwhelmed, not just by the sheer volume of emails I receive, but by the general overload of information I am bombarded by every single day of my life. I mean if it’s not unsolicited emails, it’s ads on Facebook, or pop ups on Instagram, or calls from numbers I don’t know and I’m worried if I click on them someone will steal my entire life savings, or my identity and then I’ll have to spend years trying to prove who I am, which, to be honest, I’m not even sure myself anymore. I mean who does? Do we even exist any more if we’re not on social media? I worry about the kids too. I mean I think they’re all right, but there’s just so much pressure on them these days, isn’t there? What with ATAR and social media and worrying about vaping. Is it worse than smoking? I’m not sure, there doesn’t seem to be any definitive research, does there? Then there’s Covid – who saw that coming? Or staying as long as it has? When I come to think of it, everyone I know is feeling this same low level of anxiety most of the time and I guess it’s just that the last couple of years have been difficult for so many people, haven’t they? Anyway, thanks for asking, I feel a whole lot better now.

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