Elite schools, church halls, the M1: Mel Buttle’s top venues for Brisbane Olympics

It’s time to get the butchers paper out and start locking in venues for Brisbane Olympic events in 2032. Mel Buttle has had a go.

Now that the green and gold streamers are in the wheelie bin and the fanfare has died down, it’s time to get the butchers paper out and start locking in venues for Brisbane Olympic events in 2032.

I’ve had a bit of a go here. I’ve kept it Brisbane-specific on this occasion. We really have got this covered.

Sailing: could there be a better spot than Wynnum? Hardly any water traffic to reroute while racing is on, only some occasional old blokes in a tinny bringing their crab pots in from Lota. I’m sure Keith and Brian wouldn’t mind going the long way round for a week or two. Lots of viewing spots for linen-clad sailing spectators from the esplanade.

I’m sure the Island View Cafe could knock up an Olympic special cod, chips and can snack pack for the occasion. Parking snarls could be avoided by catching the council-provided shuttle bus from Westfield Carindale.

Wynnum is a lovely spot for water sports.

Fencing: Any number of Brisbane inner-city private schools would have the facilities on hand to cover this event with aplomb. I’m unable to go into specifics here as googling “fencing in Brisbane” throws up results for companies that can provide an outdoor 2m-high barrier around your yard and not the sport.

Let’s just assume Brisbane Grammar School will have this in the bag, along with a parents and friends group who’d do a stunning wine and cheese soiree for the VIPs.

Beach volleyball: I suppose this one depends on how you define beach. For me it’s sand plus water with some form of current. With that in mind, there’s a strip of beach on the river at Colmslie that would be perfect for the beach volleyball, showcasing the sights, sounds and smells of the more industrial end of the river.

At present it’s a dog park cum jetski launch spot, but you’ve got to think of those watching at home around the world, and it does have a lovely view of our twin gateway bridges, not to mention the vacant industrial land that could catch the eye of a Ukrainian investor.

Brisbane church halls are perfect for taekwondo.

Taekwondo: I’d get the committee vetting church halls across Brisbane. The benefit of a church hall is the urn, tea, coffee and a large pack of Arnott’s Assorted Creams will be thrown in gratis.

Church halls are the home of taekwondo classes in Brisbane, so it fits that they’d be the most equipped to host an event of this calibre. I’d recommend looking into St Luke’s at Annerley. No stranger to the martial arts, its calendar is chockers with karate and taekwondo at present. Safe hands indeed.

We do need to be thrifty with our Olympic budget, so we can save by not building a custom venue for the slalom kayaking.

Instead, if we get the timing right and hold off until it rains, the Toombul carpark would come to the fore.

Similarly, the marathon could be run alongside the M1 on the way down the Gold Coast on a Saturday morning, with selected drivers stuck in traffic serving as water stations along the way for the runners.

Brissy! Brissy! Brissy! Oi! Oi! Oi!