Dating, death and being unkind: Aussie comedians reveal the things you can no longer joke about
Seven of Australia’s best comedians reveal their best jokes, all-time worst heckles and the things you can no longer joke about.
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Aussie comedians reveal what makes them laugh the most, the things they can no longer joke about and their all-time worst heckles ahead of their shows at the Brisbane Comedy Festival.
NAZEEM HUSSAIN
What is your favourite joke?
Don’t make me answer this. That’s like asking a parent to name their favourite kid. Yes, jokes are my children, and no, I will not choose between them. Not in public anyway. That said, like all parents, I do have a favourite. And like all parents, I lie about not having one. But here’s one joke I love. It’s by Ray O’Leary, and it’s a bit about mattress protectors. I’m gonna probably butcher it – which he deserves – he doesn’t need any more positive press, he’s doing fine. “I didn’t think I needed a mattress protector. I’ve been sleeping for 30 years and no one has ever stolen my mattress.” Deadpan the entire routine. “If someone breaks in, they’ll see me on it and go, ‘Oh no, that must be the mattress protector.’
Every time I see a mattress dumped on the side of the road, I think, ‘I’d never let that happen to you my queen’.” It’s like five minutes of mattress jokes.
What is a joke you’ve told on stage that didn’t land?
Half my jokes the first time. Adelaide usually cops that early material. By the time I hit Melbourne, Sydney or Brisbane, the bad stuff’s already decomposing in a South Australian bin.
What can you no longer joke about?
I think there are punchlines for everything. You can joke about everything, if it’s funny enough. The bar’s just higher for certain topics, which is fair enough. The audience will tell you what’s working. If they laugh, it’s a joke. If they don’t, it’s probably a sign it’s not funny, at least, not yet.
Most memorable heckle?
Edinburgh Fringe, 10 years ago. I walk on stage at Late and Live, not realising it’s a notorious gig filled with angry, drunk locals who hate the Fringe taking over their town each year. I barely get out my first line, when a woman stands up and yells, in the thickest Scottish accent, “Oh just tell us a joke would ya!” Then some guy jumps up and yells, “Just be fookin funny!” The crowd joined in, shouting at me, like I’d punched all their grandmas in the face. I yelled a punchline over the noise and ran off stage.
I genuinely thought they were going to bash me, so I borrowed my friend’s hoodie to disguise myself, and went straight home, looking over my shoulder.
How do you be a funny comedian on a bad day?
Being in a bad mood can help sometimes. The stage is where I get to let it all out. If I’m having a rough day or pissed off about something, I usually end up channelling that rage into my set, and the audience gets an angrier, funnier version of me. So in a way, a bad day is good for business. And it’s way cheaper than therapy.
BECKY LUCAS
What is your favourite joke?
A lot of my favourite jokes are too long to type out but a short one that I remember loving when I first started stand up is Mitch Hedberg’s “I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to too.”
What is a joke you’ve told
on stage that didn’t land?
I tell jokes onstage that don’t land all the time. Comedians fail constantly in order to deliver the jokes that eventually make it into their final show. It happens so often and frequently that the idea of it being some monumental occasion which I would remember is hilarious. But if you’re asking what the most recent one is … actually no, I don’t think you’ll be able to print it.
What can you no longer joke about?
I think you can still joke about whatever you want, you just have to accept the reactions of the people in the crowd. Crowds can be more sensitive to certain things these days and I’m not going to pretend that doesn’t annoy me at times but generally it’s because I haven’t done a good enough job at making it funny. But I think in general, if you have a twinkle in your eye and you’ve figured out the best way to let them know it’s a joke it’s all fine. If you deliver an offensive joke that’s not funny and you seem like a psycho then yeah, people probably won’t want to watch you do comedy, soz.
Most memorable heckle?
“You’re doing well darling, keep going.” Nothing worse than a supportive heckle, because you know you’ve been downgraded in a woman’s mind from a professional comedian to reminding her of her granddaughter who is putting on a little play.
How do you be a funny comedian on a bad day?
I’ve always been funnier the more unhappy I am, which is tough because in life I’m trying to be as happy as possible but in comedy I’m trying to be as funny as possible. In the end I’ve settled for being fairly happy and a decent comedian.
LUKE MCGREGOR
What is your favourite joke?
I have no idea who wrote this, but my favourite joke is: A door-to-door salesperson knocks, and a child wearing a fancy robe, holding a glass
of whiskey opens the door. Salesperson: “Are your parents home?” Child: “What do you think?”
What is a joke you’ve told on stage that didn’t land?
There are many, but it’s honestly hard to think of one because I work very hard to purge them from my brain and the memory of me bombing. I had one that linked global warming to evil ice cream companies wanting to improve their sales and it always got groans.
What can you no longer joke about?
Nothing, but I would argue if your joke doesn’t make the world a kinder more inclusive place, why bother?
Most memorable heckle?
I had a joke ages ago about the brand of toilet cleaner – Toilet Duck. When I mentioned Toilet Duck, a lady in the front row stood up, turned to face the crowd behind her, and loudly proclaimed “I use that on my toilet!”. I don’t know if she just wanted to share, or if she was a rep for the company and saw an opportunity to get some new customers, but I was very confused by it.
How do you be a funny
comedian on a bad day?
Laughter brings me so much joy, sometimes bad days make me want to joke around more. That might not always be appreciated by those around me also having a bad day … but I do find the grimmer things get the more I tend to try and find anything funny in the circumstances I’m currently in.
MELANIE BRACEWELL
What is your favourite joke?
I would feel too bad to quote myself or butcher another comic’s incredible writing. So what I’ll do instead is describe my favourite YouTube video. It’s one minute long. It stars New Zealand comedian Leigh Hart. He does a monologue about music, and then presses one key on the piano and the piano falls apart. It’s possibly the funniest video on the internet.
What is a joke you’ve told on stage that didn’t land?
This is a TRICK question, I’ve never ever told a bad joke. I’m indestructible. That being said, I did try to tell an audience about a man on a sleep-talking app that I believe is pretending to be asleep. They weren’t on board but that’s just because they need to stop being sheeples and understand my conspiracy is correct.
What can you no longer joke about?
You can joke about anything. I firmly believe that. Anyone that complains about not being able to joke about anything these days is probably just not being that original. You can joke about anything but you just need to realise people don’t have to like it. They are allowed to get mad, that’s free speech too. I tend to want people to sit in my shows and not be mad, so I like to avoid topics I know nothing about. Not
because of “the world turning woke”, but because people have paid me to entertain!
Most memorable heckle?
In New Zealand during my show a man shouted “deez nuts” six times. I hope he’s doing well.
How do you be a funny comedian on a bad day?
On a bad day, the stage is a great escape. I love doing a gig on a bad day because I’m forced to forget about it and focus on making sure everyone else is having a great time. If I want to make myself feel better? Mostly I watch that video of Leigh Hart pressing a key on the piano and it falling apart.
ANISA NANDAULA
What is your favourite joke?
It’s by Donnell Rawlings. And the joke is basically him talking about how he has no idea what gluten is. Someone said to him “gluten-free” and he was like “damn, when did he get out?” I like it because it is such a silly joke and it really made me laugh.
What is a joke you’ve told on stage that didn’t land?
Most of the time when I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I try to wipe it from my memory forever. A joke not working leaves a very visceral level of trauma that you try to ensure that you never experience again. I specifically remember a really horrible joke where I was trying to compare male feminists to crabs. I tried to make this joke work by walking like a crab back-and-forth across the stage about three to four times. The audience didn’t laugh the first time I walked like a crab so I thought maybe let’s do it another three times for good measure. The worst part about this joke not landing is I have video evidence of it bombing multiple times but I just couldn’t stop doing it because I thought maybe it would get a laugh this time and it never did unfortunately.
What can you no longer joke about?
I think that I can no longer joke about dating. This used to be an area that I would write a lot of jokes about because I hadn’t been in a serious relationship yet and I had dated a lot of not very nice guys, so I was filled with stories. I had all these crazy dating stories, and I was able to relate with single women and being a GenZ girl trying to find love. But now that I’ve been with my partner for seven years, I’m so far removed from the dating world. I can’t even imagine what it’s like anymore. So I’m not on the frontline or the Warzone of f —kboys, so I just can’t talk about them anymore. Which sucks because I really enjoyed making jokes about it.
Most memorable heckle?
At the Scottish Prince in Palm Beach two years ago. This night I was bombing horrifically, and the crowd was groaning and moaning to all of my jokes. They really wanted me to know that they did not like me. And at the end of my set, I said I’m almost finished, so this will be my last joke, and silence filled the room. All I hear is one voice piercing through the silence, saying the word yup. The word yup is probably the most painful response to me saying that I am finishing a set because he wanted me to know that they were fed up with me telling jokes. And it was even more terrible because the
headlining comedian after me said the exact same thing when he finished his set. He
was like, “I’m about to go. This is my final joke.” And that same guy who heckled me
said, “Oh no, please don’t go.” And that was the final nail in the coffin for me because I had driven two hours to be there and I didn’t get paid, so it was quite demoralising. But just like a typical comedian, I bombed and then proceeded to do stand-up every single day for the next three years.
How do you be a funny comedian on a bad day?
On a bad day, I try to connect with the audience and usually through connecting with them I can cheer myself up. I also try to be present because I don’t believe that sadness exists in the present only the future or the past. When you allow yourself to be present, the only thing that you can feel is what’s happening right now and you have autonomy over what that feeling is. So when I allow myself to be present with the audience by doing crowd work or talking to them or getting off script, then I can get back to the funny. I also remember that I am a funny person outside of being a comedian. That’s
just how God made me, so whether I’m happy, angry or sad, my default approach to life is just to be funny.
EMMA HOLLAND
What is your favourite joke?
The Dos and Don’ts of Passport Photography by James Acaster. Hard to explain with the written word, look it up though, it rules.
What is a joke you’ve told on stage that didn’t land?
For a while I kept trying to introduce myself as “The woman who breastfed Boss Baby” and it never worked. I was so convinced it was good I hung onto it for so much longer than I should have. If I’m completely honest, I still stand by it.
What can you no longer joke about?
The horse dying in The Never Ending Story. It’s not a taboo topic, it is just that it happened a while ago – it’s kind of past its pop culture reference point. It’s also sad when horses die. So very sad.
MOST MEMORABLE HECKLE?
I was performing in a comedy club and midway through my set someone dropped a full pint of beer off the top balcony onto a table below. Hard to come back from that one.
How do you be a funny comedian on a bad day?
I don’t have bad days, not since I’ve been vaccinated.
GERALDINE HICKEY
What is your favourite joke?
When someone discovers I’m a comedian and they then ask me to tell them a joke, my favourite go-to joke is: “Knock knock’’, “Who’s there?”, “Nobody. Who’d knock on your door?” I love it because the type of person who hassles me to tell them a joke tends to be quite annoying; this joke gives them what they’re after, plus it usually shuts them up, which is what I’m after.
What is a joke you’ve told on stage that didn’t land?
When I was in Montreal for the Just for Laughs festival, I was doing a joke about buying a boat, but I would mention it was just a tinnie, it’s a line that gets a little giggle but not there because they don’t have tinnies and saying a small aluminium boat with an outboard motor is not the same. If it was just the one time I wouldn’t have cared so much, but I had to do this one bit of material multiple times and each time I knew it wouldn’t land and there was no way of getting around it.
What can you no longer joke about?
Probably my dad dying. Only because I did them all in my last show and I have a new show now, so I’ve moved onto other things.
Most memorable heckle?
ABC Radio in Melbourne do a show at the start of the Melbourne Comedy Festival showcasing some people you can go and see at the festival. It’s in front of a live audience and is simulcast on the radio. In the middle of my set, they accidentally played a promo for Macca’s show. It’s the most memorable because normally I can’t hear exactly what someone might be yelling but Macca was clear as a bell. Thanks Macca!
How do you be a funny comedian on a bad day?
I’ll just remember that being on that stage making people laugh is a privilege, and that it’ll all be over in an hour, and I can be back on a couch eating a tasty treat watching TV.
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