‘Corny, cheesy and utterly predictable’: My embarrassing viewing habits

Feel like there is too much ugliness and harshness in the world at the moment? Do yourself a favour and put this on the television.

Frances Whiting. Picture: David Kelly

As many of you know, I want to own a bookshop.

Failing that, I want to work in one.

Or a florist. Or a bakery. Or in my grandfather’s hardware store that’s been in the family for generations but is about to go under because a multinational corporation has bought it specifically to put it out of business.

I would also like to be a ballet teacher about to stage my annual show with my tiny tots class, only it looks like “Babes in Wonderland” might not go on, because a stranger has bought my studio’s building and is about to evict all the tenants, including Old Mr McKiniry, the shoe maker. Who is, in fact, Santa. Also, the stranger who has bought the building turns out to be my ex fiance who cheated on me, with my sister.

Basically I would like to quit my job, become an actress in a straight-to-television Christmas romance movie.

I don’t have to be the lead actress, I would be equally thrilled to be in a supporting role. I feel I could, for example, pull off the lead actress’s sassy best friend who doesn’t give a damn about what anybody in the small town thinks of her and is very possibly a motor mechanic.

Now, some people poo-poo these sorts of holiday movies, and you know what? These are exactly the same people who refuse to believe that Lindsay Lohan is the greatest damn actress of our time.

Now in much the same way that Mariah Carey owns the Christmas song market with All I Want for Christmas, Lohan in a stunning second act of her career, has cornered the Christmas Rom Com market.

Lindsay Lohan in Falling for Christmas.

And if you have not seen her seminal work, Falling For Christmas, then I urge you to do so forthwith.

Let’s, let’s just say it involves an heiress, concussion, a rich fiancee, a small town boy, a failing ski lodge, and a Christmas miracle. Also, a neighbour who turns out to be Santa.

Lindsay wears a succession of gloriously themed Christmas outfits, all in red and green, many involving oversized woollen scarves.

Now, Lindsay has just announced her 2024 Christmas movie, Our Little Secret, and I make no secret or apologies for saying I can’t wait. Or for that appalling segue.

Because here’s the thing. These movies are not just my guilty pleasure, they’re my pleasure, full stop.

I know, these films are corny, cheesy and utterly predictable, but you know what? Sometimes I want corny, cheesy and utterly predictable.

There’s so much ugliness going on in the world at the moment, so much harshness.

So if I want to watch Linday Lohan and her glorious red tresses meet her fiance’s insanely rich family for Christmas, only to discover her ex boyfriend is there because he’s going out with her fiance’s sister, in a town where it appears to be snowing all non stop and there’s a man living there who may or may not be Santa, then dammit, I’m going to. Also the movie’s tagline is Merry Ex-Mas. What’s not to love?

Mariah Carey performs All I Want For Christmas is You. Picture: Terence Patrick

FRAN LOVES: Mariah Carey’s now annual announcement that “It’s Time” for her aforementioned hit All I Want For Christmas to be sung once more. Released every year online on November 1, this year’s effort is next level.