Buttle: Why New Years Resolutions should be made in May

When it comes to New Years Resolutions - either forget it or make them very small and very achievable (like putting a peg on chip packets once they’re open), comedian Mel Buttle argues.

I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions this year. I have made them every other year of my life, and look at me, I’m still a size 14, I’ve never run the Honolulu marathon and I’m yet to make an in-flight announcement like a hostie.

Fingers crossed this is my year. Looking at you, Qantas.

Imagine the disappointment I am to my family with stats like this. I remember when I was little, my resolutions would be things like, “I will ride my bike more”.

Now as an adult, my resolutions have gone full circle and we’re back to, “I will ride a bike at some point this year”.

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12.01am on January 1 passed me by without fanfare this year, I was in bed with headphones in, sleep mask on, meditation podcast on repeat.

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I need a mix of almost total sensory deprivation, with a bit of an Irish accent chatting softly to me about relaxing my sacrum over a background of quiet panpipes to fall asleep.

My mum says, “they didn’t have sleep masks and podcasts in the old days”.

Yes, but to be fair, in the old days I bet there wasn’t a queue of traffic past your house from 5am to get to the freeway onramp.

I’ve done it all when it comes to resolutions.

I’ve made general ones, like, “I’ll make healthy choices” to really specific ones, like, “I will not eat too much cheese at parties any more”.

Neither of these approaches works for me. I think the problem is my birthday is in January, which means that I’m torn between a blowout or a boring birthday sticking to my no more than five crackers with cheese on them rule.

I think we should give up on New Year’s resolutions, instead I’m keen for a May resolution.

May is a good month to make some new promises to yourself.

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here contestant comedian Mel Buttle. Picture: Network 10

It’s not super deep into the year, but we’ve had a bit of a taste of the flavour of the year by May. Certainly enough to assess what we need to work on moving forward anyway.

In May 2020, I would’ve made a resolution to not eat all three meals a day on the couch in pyjamas.

There’s no way I could have predicted that would be what I needed to change most in my life, back on December 31, 2019.

I think if I was forced to make some resolutions for 2021, they’d be really small achievable things. Perhaps something like, I will walk more carefully into the bathroom so I don’t stub my toe. I will use a peg to seal off a packet of crackers after I open them, instead of shoving them upside down back into the box.

I will have a designated spot in the fridge for jars, rather than having some of them in the door, and a few up the back of every shelf in the fridge, making it impossible to find the one jar that I’m looking for.

With a bar this low, surely I can clear it? You’d hope so. Check back in with me in May.