5 psychological terms we are misusing every day (and why we need to fix it)

Are you listening, Jonah Hill?

'therapy talk' is thrown around a. lot these days, but are we misusing popular terms? Image: Getty

From gaslighting to boundaries, the overuse of common psychological terms is undermining the effectiveness of their meaning. Here’s why we need to reassess how we use them.

With terms like toxic, gaslighting and boundaries being casually thrown around, an everyday conversation with a friend often sounds like you could be deep in a session at a psychologist’s office.

As a strong advocate for mental health and a sufferer of mental health issues myself, I have an appreciation for the terminology being a part of everyday vernacular. By that, I mean, it is positive to see that it has moved from a world where it was shunned and never spoken about, into one where it is normalised. 

The problem is (and it’s a big one) that a lot of the time these psychological terms aren’t being used correctly and this can be just as detrimental as not using them at all.

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Clinical Psychologist, and author of Difficult People, Dr Rebecca Ray tells Body+Soul that there are a range of issues that can arise from misusing psychological terms; including ableism, perpetuating a misunderstanding of health issues and actually stopping people who are clinically dealing with an issue from recognising they have one.

“Humans love labels. They help us categorise the gargantuan amount of information we are presented with on a daily basis, especially when that information is unpleasant or painful in some way,” says Dr Ray. 

“The thing is, we need to define something correctly to understand where boundaries are necessary, where behaviour is problematic, and where we have control (or not) for effecting change. If we rely on the commonplace misrepresentation of mental health terms and resort to name-calling in response, our capacity to remove ourselves from patterns of interpersonal difficulty will always be limited,” she adds.

So it's about time we all got some clarity on what these psychological terms actually mean – we asked Dr Ray to weigh in. 

Perpetuating a misunderstanding of health issues and actually stopping people who are clinically dealing with an issue from recognising they have one. Image: Getty

#1. Boundaries

The term ‘boundaries’ was probably most infamously misappropriated by actor, Jonah Hill recently when he told his now ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady via text, that she shouldn’t post photos of herself in bikinis or have friendships that he doesn’t approve of.

The texts made public by Brady, show Hill framing his own unreasonable expectations as boundaries, boundaries which she should respect in the name of his mental health and their relationship. This though, is most definitely not the psychologist-approved meaning of boundaries.

“They are not combat weapons designed to defeat others so that your needs can ‘win’; nor are they selfish, unkind or unreasonable,” says Dr Ray.

What it actually means:

“Boundaries can be statements or instructions to others about your preferences and needs or they can be values that you hold within that don’t need to be said out loud,” says Dr Ray.

“Boundaries enable you to set and communicate your choices about how you want to distribute your personal resources to live in alignment with your values. They are lines of connection that form your own personal operation manual to show others how to love and respect you while ensuring you do the same for yourself.”

Have you got that Jonah?!

Boundaries should not be confused with unreasonable expectations. Image: Getty

#2. Gaslighting

While it can be easy to label every uncomfortable interaction as gaslighting, this is not what it is.

“Just because someone disagrees with or questions you doesn’t mean they are gaslighting you,” says Dr Ray.

What it really means:

“Gaslighting can occur when someone causes you to doubt your memory of an event or question your feelings or turn the narrative on its head to make conflict appear to be your fault,” says Dr Ray.

“It refers to a legitimate form of manipulation that leads you to question your own reality.” 

Narcissistic behaviour occurs when a person elevates themselves and their needs above other people. Image: Getty

#3. Narcissist

“Labelling someone as a narcissist has become more common in response to a person who is manipulative and generally abusive, but there is a difference between narcissistic behaviour (infrequent or random state-based behaviours) and narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, (a psychiatric disorder that offers a full diagnostic picture),” explains Dr Ray.

What it actually means:

“Narcissistic behaviour occurs when a person elevates themselves and their needs above other people,” she says.

“They may use this sense of superiority to believe they are always right or to make you believe that you are incompetent.”

However, Dr Ray says that while narcissistic behaviour is common in difficult people, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they meet the criteria for NPD.

#4. Toxic

From behaviour, people, relationships and jobs, the term ‘toxic’ has become a go-to descriptor for many elements of our lives, but it is one that is definitely overused.

 “Toxic…has become something of a go-to word for any interaction someone doesn’t like,” Dr Ray says.

What it actually means:

“While not a recognised clinical term, it can refer to any relational, situational or behavioural pattern that is unhealthy,” says Dr Ray.

“Perhaps you know a person for whom life seems to be overly dramatic. There’s always a problem following them that would fit well in the storyline of a soap opera. And occasionally, they project their problems onto you. It’s toxic.” 

Being antisocial does not equate to being a homebody. Image: Getty

#5. Antisocial 

I am guilty of misusing this one from time to time, usually as a poor excuse for not attending events that I don’t want to go to.

But as Dr Ray points out, antisocial isn’t someone who is introverted, shy, or socially anxious (or, cough, cough, prefers the couch but then feels guilty the whole time).

What it actually means:

Antisocial is actually “clinically used to describe antisocial personality disorder,” explains Dr Ray and given that a lack of guilt or remorse is one of the common behaviours of someone with the disorder, it appears that my guilt-ridden nights-in are not actually anti-social behaviour at all…

Originally published as 5 psychological terms we are misusing every day (and why we need to fix it)