We're meant to stop saying 'good girl/boy' to our kids and FYI I shan't

COMMENT: "No disrespect to the  experts, but that's enough now. Shhhh. Thanks."

There's so much uncertainty in parenting in 2024, thanks to information overload, but one thing's for sure: you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

A study came out this week advising parents not to use "good girl/boy" when praising their kids, and ... that's it. I'm officially done.

No disrespect to the researchers and experts, but that's enough. Stop it now. Thanks.

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"May raise self esteem and identity issues"

Here’s the gist of what the experts say:

Don't say "good girl" or "good boy", as it may raise issues around gender identity and self-esteem. It also doesn’t actually give children clear feedback on what they did to earn such praise, apparently.

Don't under praise, because of that old self-esteem chestnut mentioned earlier. 

But don't overdo it either, lest your kid turn into a narcissistic asshole. 

Recent research suggests that inflated praise – i.e. using words such as “incredible”, “amazing” and “wonderful”, can foster narcissistic traits by causing children to have an unrealistic sense of their own competence. 

Constant praise is also a no-no and may mean children unconsciously feel they are doing things for adult approval, rather than for themselves. It can be bad for self-regulation and sense of identity, experts say.

So do we give the kids the silent treatment??

“Process praise” is apparently what we're aiming for here, people.

It's informational, giving children feedback on their efforts and strategies in achieving an outcome. In other words, what you want to be saying to your kid is, “I can see you tried really hard in that athletics competition, Jimmy”, rather than, “you are a winner, son!”

Image: Melissa Noble

This is how I was praised in the 90s

Looking back on my childhood, I wonder if my mum and dad thought about HOW they praised me?

All I know is that if I received a hug after a clarinet performance or a school running carnival that I came last in, that was enough for me. If there was a "well done, honey," afterwards too – well, that was icing on the cake. 

Frankly, I think in many ways, our generation of parents are making a rod for our own backs. Overthinking things. Overcomplicating things. And missing the bigger picture.

There’s no doubt that praise reinforces positive behaviours – psychologists told us as much as early as the 1950s, and in our household, we see it firsthand.

When my son does something kind for his little sisters, I’m the first to say, “very thoughtful, honey.”

Or when my daughter colours in a surprise picture for me, of course I want to make her feel acknowledged and special by saying, “wow – that’s beautiful, baby!”

What I don’t want to be doing is overanalyzing the language I use when I do say those things. 

Wondering to myself… have I praised you like I should, Fatboy Slim-style? And what kind of unconscious messages have I communicated through that praise?

For me, praising my kids is not some scientific measurement with the right dose of X and a dash of Z to come up with some desired outcome. Saying a kind word to my kids is something simple that comes from the heart. End of story.

Originally published as We're meant to stop saying 'good girl/boy' to our kids and FYI I shan't