'Marriage maths' is killing you

"A great dad and husband 98% of the time isn't good enough if he's abusive during the other 2%." Please note: sensitive content

"He's trying to break down the door!"

It was my sister, calling frantically from her bedroom, where she'd locked herself and her four-year-old while her husband raged. I called the police on my way to her home.

Fifteen years later, when she took her own life after enduring years of abuse, there was no call for help. Again, she was in her home, where she should have been safe.

But here's what stopped her making that call: for years, she'd tell us, "He's a great dad most of the time. It's only 2% of the time that he's got anger issues."

She was proud - but she was also an entrenched victim of domestic violence who saw no way out. So, she'd 'do the maths' on her marriage - and stayed.

If you think she's an idiot, or that no one thinks like that in an abusive relationship, you're absolutely wrong. 

It happens all the time - much more often than we know - and it's costing lives.

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"Does my marriage maths mean it's bad enough to leave?"

The marriage maths thinking is all over social media. Women, mums, desperately asking, "If he's the most incredible dad 80 percent of the time, and a complete monster the rest of the time, is it bad enough to leave? Is it affecting my kids if it's about once a month not every day?"

For those of us with no experience of an abusive relationship, the answer is clear: YES.

But for women who've been belittled, emotionally and/or physically torn to shreds, repeatedly told that they are 'nothing' and 'You'd never make it without me', it is difficult to see.

Last night, in an Aussie mum's Facebook group (which I obviously won't identify), I read:

"What's your honest opinion? Husband is a great partner to me, doing most of the housework and cooking, super fun on date nights, and affectionate and loving. He's also a truly amazingly hands-on, affectionate, loving and involved kind-of-dad. 98% of the time.

"The other 2%, when our healthy/normally energetic girls six and four, act up and don't listen to us or him (or I've questioned him about something that makes him mad), he has an EXPLOSIVE temper.

"He throws things while raging, even punching the walls with his fists. So, that 2% is scary to us. This happens maybe once a month.

"When he's calmed down, I explain he needs to work on his anger and he agrees and so I do see a very slight improvement, but when he does still rage, it is very loud and scary. I have no one else to ask who won't hold it against him. Help."

My sister could have written this; and I have seen similar time and time again online, the heartbreaking question: Help me do the maths on my marriage: should I go?

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Marriage maths. Image: iStock/Facebook

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"Marriage maths is killing you"

It's difficult for these women, who are often mums, to see that it doesn't matter one iota how amazing a person is when they are feeling fine.

Actually, all the good can be negated with one instance of abuse. And deep inside, they do know that, because they can feel that bit by bit it's not getting better. He won't change. I can't fix him. 

I am so very unhappy and I can't do this anymore.

Otherwise, they wouldn't ask strangers on the internet their marriage maths question.

Here is the advice I give when I see these posts: "The real marriage maths is to ask yourself: how you feel during that 2%? Is it worth the 'good stuff'?"

Answer yourself honestly, and you'll know that both your kids and you deserve better. You are in danger. Don't hang around to find out if your odds will improve; bet on yourself instead.

Just like my beautiful sister just couldn't.

Originally published as 'Marriage maths' is killing you