‘My MIL doesn’t love my kid as much as her other grandkids’

“It was a bloody magnet! I was like, ‘Are you kidding me?! ' Who buys a one-year-old a bloody magnet?”

The relationship between mother and daughters-in-law can be one often fraught with passive-aggressive comments, disapproval and martyrdom.

Not for me, my mother-in-law (MIL) is an angel who I adore, but for Jemma*, it’s a different story.

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“Us and them”

Jemma married Aaron back in 2019 and welcomed their beautiful daughter Sienna in 2022.

Aaron, who has a younger sister, Katie, mum, Carol, and dad, Justin, grew up in a close-knit family that loves spending time together, especially since Katie had twin girls in 2017, and then the arrival of Sienna a few years later.

However, Jemma couldn’t help but notice her MIL treated Sienna differently from Katie’s twins.

“It was just little things that at first I thought I was imagining,” Jemma told Kidspot.

“We have a family group chat, and whenever Carol would have Katie’s twins, she’d send pictures of them making homemade cookies or pasta from scratch, but when she had Sienna, she’d grab a cheese and bacon roll from Baker’s Delight.”

Jemma mentioned it in passing to her hubby, but he just put it down to the age gap between the girls and was sure when Sienna was older, they’d do the same things.

“It felt very ‘us’ versus ‘them’, but I decided not to dwell on it,” she added.

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“I bought her a present”

After a whirlwind holiday to Europe and Fiji, Carol invited the family over for lunch to debrief about the trip and give some gifts she bought for her granddaughters.

“Carol was so excited to give the girls their presents and got them to sit down with her to open them,” Jemma recounted.

“Katie’s twins were given the most extraordinary Spanish flamenco dancer dresses, and Carol spent an age explaining that she went to a show in the south of Spain and knew the girls loved dressing up.

“When it came time to give Sienna her gift, my jaw literally hit the floor,” she added.

“She pulled out from the bag a piece of tissue paper, handed it to Sienna, and said to her, ‘Be very gentle. There are some turtles in here,’ and I had hoped she wasn’t about to open a baby turtle,” Jemma joked.

However, what Sienna opened left Jemma fuming. 

“It was a bloody magnet! I was like, ‘Are you kidding me?! ' Who buys a one-year-old a bloody magnet?” she exclaimed.

“I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was along the lines of a sarcastic, ‘Wow, look, a magnet’, and I saw Carol shoot a look right at Aaron.”

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Was Jemma overreacting or was Carol out of line? Source: Supplied

That’s not the end of it

From this moment, Jemma realised all the little micro-moments Carol had played favourites with Katie’s children that had gone under the radar.

“Katie’s twins had personalised Christmas stockings, and Sienna had a generic one without her name on it,” Jemma said.

“The twins also had toys bought for them, and Sienna was left with the hand-me-downs.

“Of course, I’m not expecting Carol to buy new things for Sienna, but she has literally never bought her anything just for Sienna to keep at her house.”

Jemma doesn’t know if she should speak to Carol about it or just accept that this grandma has a deeper connection with her own daughter’s kids.

“I guess I’ll just visit when we have to, but won’t go above that,” Jemma told us.

“My parents spoil Sienna rotten and treat her the same as my nephews so I’ll just put more focus on my own family instead.” 

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A toxic MIL isn't anything new. Source: BenderSpink

The case of the toxic MIL

Dealing with a difficult MIL like Carol can be emotionally taxing, but there are strategies to navigate such challenging relationships effectively. 

Marriage coach Anne Duvaux outlined several tips to help people like Jemma, deal with toxic MILs. 

Anne revealed that it's crucial to establish clear boundaries with your MIL and clearly communicate what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't.

This may involve discussing boundaries with your partner and presenting a united front. 

Additionally, practising assertive communication can help address issues as they arise, calmly expressing your feelings and concerns without escalating conflicts.

Anne deems prioritising self-care is also essential when dealing with a toxic MIL. 

Take time for yourself to recharge and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. 

Seeking support from your partner, friends, or a therapist can provide additional coping mechanisms and validation for your feelings.

It's important to remember that you can't control your MIL's behaviour, but you can control how you respond to it. 

*Names changed for privacy

Originally published as ‘My MIL doesn’t love my kid as much as her other grandkids’