My five-year-old wants to change his surname to his biological dad's

"Honestly I wouldn't do it. He is not old enough for a decision like that. He can do it in a few years."

A mum has shared a dilemma with a parenting advice forum, delving into the complex nature of separation after kids. 

Her eldest child, a five-year-old boy, has just discovered he has a different surname to his siblings and has been enquiring about why. 

He now wants to share their surname, aka his dad's surname, but the mum is unsure he's old enough to make that decision himself. 

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"I told him his dad lost in a game of rock paper scissors and I won"

Taking to the r/Parenting thread, she explained, "My eldest child, five, is a child from a previous relationship, whilst my two younger (two and one yet to be born) are with my current partner.

"When pregnant with my eldest, my ex was pretty awful, left me for one of my friends, refused to acknowledge my pregnancy etc... Anyway, when my son was born, after a DNA test he took responsibility. He’s been an amazing father ever since, my son adores him. But when we went to register, I refused for the baby to have his last name. So he has my surname."

Then during a recent conversation about baby names, her son curiously questioned why his younger brother and the new baby both have the same 'middle name'.

"I explained it’s their surname, not a middle name and it’s from their daddy," the mum wrote.

She continued, "He wanted to know why he doesn't have the same as his daddy. (I didn’t explain his father was a jerk).

"I told him he lost in a game of rock paper scissors, and I won. He’s now asked if he could change it, so he’s got his daddy’s name. Do I change it? Do you think he’s old enough to make a decision that big? I’m torn."

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"He's not old enough for a decision like that"

The comments down below tended to agree with the mum, saying that he's too young for such a big decision like that. 

"I'd say 'I'll think about it' and see if he forgets. If he's still asking for it in a few months (or seems really affected by it) I would consider it," the top comment advised. 

The OP replied, "I told him I’d think about it and I’d have to speak to his father about it too. I don’t want to say no because in fairness he just wants the same as his brothers. He’s just a smart kid and notices absolutely everything."

"I think it’s okay to say kids get their last name from their parents, sometimes it’s mummy and sometimes it’s daddy. When you’re a grownup, you can change your name or even pick a whole new name," suggested someone else. 

Then this person said, "You could say something like, 'He's a great dad but sometimes relationships between adults don't work and that's okay. Because I'm the one that takes care of you the most, it made more sense for you to have my surname.' A five-year-old can easily understand that."

Someone else responded, "Honestly I wouldn't do it. He is not old enough for a decision like that. He can do it in a few years."

Some people said it was okay to let the boy choose his own name, with one writing, "I see no problem in it, as that is his father. He is involved and a good dad. I'd assume once you talk to him, he'd want the same thing as the son."

And another saying, "If he feels strongly about it, let him. Or you could always double-barrel the name."

Originally published as My five-year-old wants to change his surname to his biological dad's