'I'm over the pressure to throw picture-perfect parties for my kids'

"I know Mr 3 doesn't appreciate the finer details in life; I have witnessed his attempts to leave the house pantsless a number of times."

My son’s third birthday was approaching, and honestly? I was dreading it. 

Not because I would miss any opportunity to celebrate one of my very favourite people on the planet - I wouldn’t - but because he was asking for a party. 

Normally, I love parties. Kids parties, grown-up parties, Christmas parties, just-for-the-hell-of-it parties: you name it, I’ll party. 

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Parties look different now

But as anyone who has ever been on Instagram can attest, kids birthday parties these days look very different to the few balloons and a game of tip at the local park which characterised my early birthdays. 

For starters, there’s normally a theme, with an invitation to match.

Everything at the party, including the children themselves, will be decorated to match the theme.

The food will be healthy, sourced from local farmers, artisanal and also, somehow, dyed turquoise to match the theme.

The cake will be larger and more impressive than a wedding cake.

The lolly bags won’t contain any lollies, but a sticker pack featuring the face of the birthday boy and a carefully selected, hand-painted wooden toy for each invitee.

The party will feature a jumping castle, a children’s magician, and custom cocktails for the parents to enjoy.

Everyone your child has ever met is invited, and if you don’t have a house large enough to host that many guests, you can simply hire a castle. (I’m kidding, but only sort of). 

I don’t actually have a problem with those kinds of parties, as long as your kid enjoys them.

Honestly, if you’re bringing that much energy and enthusiasm to party planning, I’m impressed. 

Because, to put it bluntly, I personally could not be bothered. 

Image: Supplied

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I just... didn't do any of it

Let me be clear: I would go to the ends of the Earth for my son.

If I thought that kind of party was what he really wanted, I would swallow my apathy and make it happen. 

If I thought he appreciated restrained good taste, I would happily order a hundred pale blue cookies bearing the words MAX IS THREE in a tasteful gold font.

Luckily, I know he doesn’t appreciate restrained good taste, because his favourite outfit is a rainbow tutu, a pair of pink high heels, an array of costume jewellery and a fireman hat. 

If I thought a balloon arch would make him happy, I would piece it together with my own bare hands.

Luckily, I know he thinks balloons are for chasing (non-helium variety) or tying on your wrist and running around as fast as you can (helium variety) or whacking your little brother on the head (both varieties). 

If I thought he appreciated the finer details, I would engrave a bunch of pastel-coloured serviettes with his date of birth myself.

Luckily, I know he does not appreciate the finer details, because I have witnessed him trying to leave the house with no pants on a number of occasions. 

When I really thought about it, there weren’t really any parts of the picture-perfect party I felt pressure to plan for him that I thought he would enjoy. 

So, I just… didn’t do any of those things. 

Image: Supplied

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Chaos-themed party

What I did do was throw him a party in a local park.

There was no theme, no hired furniture, no matching plates and napkins, no paid party entertainment, no balloon arch, nothing with his name on it, no fancy cake. The birthday boy wore his tutu. 

It was messy. It was bright. It was silly. It was loud.

It involved a raucous game of Red Light, Green Light and an impromptu dance party to Chappel Roan’s Hot To Go.

It was total chaos, which is great, because you know what toddlers love? Chaos. 

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It was, honestly, really good fun, and I am an adult lady, so you can just imagine how absolutely rabid with glee the birthday boy was. 

As far as I’m concerned, it was a success, and a blueprint for all parties moving forward. 

And frankly? I’m never getting sucked in by a pastel Pinterest board again.

Originally published as 'I'm over the pressure to throw picture-perfect parties for my kids'