I won't raise a 'dusty' son - but that's for me, not your daughter

"Trust me, I don't want 'dusty' sons either, but did this mum-shaming need to become a viral trend?" 

The 'dusty son' trend is adding to my mental load, which is already fully loaded.

My boys are not even close to walking down the aisle. My youngest has only been walking for 12 months! So there's that. 

So why is TikTok shaming me for what kind of husband they will be?

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What is a “Dusty Son”?

That's exactly what the viral “Dusty Son” trend is all about.

The origin of the Dusty Son came from content creator Payal Desai, who made a video series called "No Dusty Sons."

The 22-video series includes Desai, who posts under @payalforstyle, teaching her son about consent, skincare, cleaning, and manners, conceivably in an attempt to raise a good human who rejects toxic masculinity.

Text overlays read, "Teaching my son that no means no so he will be the kind of person to make your child feel safe." 

"This is one of the most important lessons anyone can learn—respecting others' boundaries—so many people just don't," one commenter wrote on Desai's video about consent.

Of course, all parents think about this.

As a mum of three boys, I'm constantly worrying about the kind of man they will be in the future. That's before my nightly doom scrolling.

So this is why the trend just feels like a lot more pressure, and yes, mum-shaming.

Jordana loves her boys, and wants them to be productive men. Image: Supplied

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“I feel like it’s an attack!”

But now, this trend has taken on a life of its own.

Fathers have been giving their daughters all sorts of experiences and opportunities in the hopes that their daughters won't end up with a "dusty son."

It feels like an attack on "boy mums" or "boy parents." 

"Showing our daughters the world so they won't be impressed by your dusty son flying them to Paris," one clip says.

*Anyone else wondering what's wrong with Paris?

Other examples include:

"Cooking for the in-laws so your dusty son better learn how to host for the ones who raised your lady."

"Exposing my daughter to various cultures, cuisines and food festivals at a young age so your dusty son doesn't impress her with his vanilla palette."

Jordana with her boys. Image: Supplied

"Taking my daughters on dates so when your dusty son comes around, they already know their worth and what it is to be treated like a queen."

"Playing with my daughter right after a three-hour run, so your dusty son better not have excuses. He's too tired to create family memories."

These are just a few that I came across in my algorithm. 

When it comes to parenting 'you do you', so if you want to take your daughter on a trip, buy her flowers on a random Tuesday, or write her an album (thanks, John Legend), then, by all means, do that - but if my son doesn't in the future, that won't necessarily make him 'dusty'. 

“Stop insulting boy mums”

I am constantly on my boys' case, forcing them to close the toilet seat, taking their plates over, helping with the washing, and being in the kitchen.

Now, let's clarify that me "dusting" the boys off is purely to make my life easier. Your daughter (or son) will simply benefit from my hard work. 

I'm not doing it for you.

I'm not opposed to the conversation about raising boys, combating toxic masculinity, and giving my boys the tools they need to be emotionally sound. What I take issue with is the finger-wagging. 

The responsibility to challenge toxic masculinity doesn't solely rest on the shoulders of women or the next generation. It's a responsibility for all adults, and it begins with how we interact with each other and nurture our children.

Can we all agree not to shame each other before our kids have even met? 

Originally published as I won't raise a 'dusty' son - but that's for me, not your daughter