I left their father and appreciate him so much more now we’re apart

"While he wasn’t the right romantic partner for me, I feel confident in my choice to have had children with him."

I left the father of my children when our youngest was just a baby, our eldest was about to become a toddler.

It became clear to me that we were never going to be a “happy family” together. We entered almost immediately into a custody court case.

By the time our youngest turned one, we had final orders in place, but our tension was at an all-time high. We celebrated that first birthday separately and thankfully the children were still young enough to naively enjoy the novelty of having two parties.

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"I never thought we'd be here"

I thought we would forever converse via hostile emails and texts, avoiding eye contact and faking smiles at each changeover. Which is exactly how it went for the first few years.

At some point (and at the children’s request) we managed to find the civility to celebrate their birthdays together, usually on the neutral grounds of a park.

To our credit we have always managed to shelter our children from the tension. They were none the wiser of the conflict and still to this day enthusiastically (and hugely unrealistically) ask if we might one-day all live together?

When they asked if I still loved Daddy, I used to grit my teeth and feign adoration “oh course I love your Daddy, because he’s your Daddy.”

We are at a place now that I honestly never thought we could get to. Somehow, and very slowly, over a number of years the resentment between us resided and now when they ask, if I love their Daddy, it’s an honest and heartfelt “Yes”.

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"As far as dads go, he's exceptional"

Having dated a few single dads and seen the dynamics of my friend’s relationships I can honestly say that I got lucky. As far as Dads go, he’s exceptional.

While he wasn’t the right romantic partner for me I feel confident in my choice to have had children with him. He is exactly who I wanted and chose to be their dad and I tell them that now, often and with deep sincerity.

In many ways the separation has forced him to step up into a more active parenting role. He cut back on work that had largely consumed him in our relationship and while he always adored and loved our children now has so much more time to spend with them.

Having felt like a single mother while we were together, the separation actually landed us in a more balanced family dynamic and the load is actually shared now.

On the days they are with him, he packs the lunchboxes, does pick-up and drop-off, remembers which day they need to wear a sports uniform, schedules play dates and makes costumes.

There is no “default parent” in our family, it's either of us depending on our kid’s schedule.

While I am the primary carer with majority custody, I know exactly that when they go to his house, I am getting a break. As a single mother I crave moments of silence almost just as much as I do that first cuddle when they come back to me.  

More importantly, I know that when they are at their dad’s house they are loved and cared for and thoroughly entertained. He was always a fun dad but now the (very un-fun) parenting duties of running a family home are shared between us. They see him cook and clean and he has put together a beautiful home for them.

While there are still moments of friction between us we generally manage to remain “child focused” in the decisions we make, and I can hand-on heart say that I appreciate and respect him more now than I ever did when we were together.

The kids love when we are all together so we will occasionally have dinners together or go out for ice-cream. Their father and I are innately bonded over our shared love for the kids, and we are finally, a “happy family”, apart.

Originally published as I left their father and appreciate him so much more now we’re apart